Chapter 29

The instant the cap was taken off, Xu Ze squinted by reflex, but the light in the changing room was dim and did not sting. Xu Ze was not a person who read faces well, and drunk he would only grow duller, yet he instinctively sensed pressure from Lu Heyang—even though Lu Heyang's pheromone was held in careful check by the wristband.

Before he could think it through, Lu Heyang's fingertips traced along his collarbone and pressed against his chest; the pressure was a little heavy, the fingers sinking a few millimeters into Xu Ze's muscle through the T-shirt.

"Is the injury healed? Watching your match today, it ended fast."

Lu Heyang kept his eyes lowered on his own hand, not on Xu Ze, his voice low, giving off a feeling impossible to read.

Xu Ze carefully steadied his breathing and answered, "It's already healed."

"Sorry," Lu Heyang said suddenly.

Xu Ze was immediately at a loss, not understanding why he was apologizing.

"I should have told you in advance before bringing He Yu over to talk about this—I didn't think it through." Lu Heyang lifted his head, his expression settling back into the usual calm Xu Ze knew. His hand dropped, resting loosely at Xu Ze's waist.

"No," Xu Ze shook his head at once. "It's fine."

No matter when He Yu came to ask, the answer would have been the same. Lu Heyang, as the one offering kindness out of goodwill, ought not to apologize for this on any account—there was no such reason.

"Can you tell me the reason?" Lu Heyang stood between Xu Ze's legs, both hands braced on the edge of the table, looking up at him.

Xu Ze turned his head aside, a little uneasy, avoiding the gaze. "I signed a contract. A year and a half, with half a year left. Breaking it would be a mess."

Whether it's the Breach of Contract Incident or Tang Feiyi, both are extremely troublesome.

"I want to know what you think," Lu Heyang said.

Xu Ze was silent for a moment, still refusing to look at Lu Heyang, and answered, "I need to stay here."

"Xu Ze." Lu Heyang raised a hand and patted the outside of Xu Ze's thigh, a light reminder. "Look at me."

For that single second Xu Ze's breath stopped; he slowly turned his gaze toward Lu Heyang, and when their eyes met at close range, the alcohol sent a wave of heat rushing up into his head, making it hard to draw air.

He knew he was in the wrong—Lu Heyang had reached out to help him out of kindness, and he had not only refused but hemmed and hawed, evasive and vague. If he were Lu Heyang, he too would be displeased.

"I just want to make quick money. One match a week, finish it, get paid." Xu Ze forced the words out. "Pro matches need training, need accumulation, I don't have the time. I only fit in a place like this—the audience here doesn't care about technique, they get excited at the sight of blood. It's simple."

"I'm not what you imagine. I don't like fighting. I'm only doing it for the money."

Admitting this to Lu Heyang made Xu Ze feel unbearably wretched, but in the end he said it. He wanted Lu Heyang to see clearly that he was not worth pitying in the slightest.

"I haven't imagined you as anything," Lu Heyang said, looking at him. "The choice is in your hands."

The more he said it that way, the more Xu Ze felt he could not be at ease.

"I'm sorry," Xu Ze lowered his head. "You don't actually need to bother with me, and don't—"

His throat moved once before he went on, "—don't pity me."

On any ordinary day he would not—would absolutely not—have said this aloud, but tonight he had drunk a great deal, so he could just barely manage it.

Xu Ze did not consider himself especially wretched. Not everyone was blessed with good fortune and good luck; he simply happened not to have received them, and there were plenty of people in the world like him. Toward Lu Heyang, Xu Ze held no expectations at all—he could accept never hearing an echo back, even being ignored, overlooked; anything was better than being pitied.

If Lu Heyang really was pitying him, then he was the truly pitiable one.

For some reason Lu Heyang did not speak. Xu Ze closed his eyes, his head tilting back until it rested against the wall.

His head was spinning; every quiet second stretched itself out, and it felt as though a long while had already passed when Xu Ze said, "It's very late. You should go back. It's really not safe here."

"Leave me a number." Lu Heyang took out his mobile phone, unlocked it, switched to the dial screen, and handed it to Xu Ze.

Xu Ze opened his eyes, stared at Lu Heyang's hand for a few seconds, then took the phone, typed in his own number, and gave it back. Lu Heyang pressed dial as soon as he had it, and a moment later Xu Ze's mobile phone rang.

He sat there blank and dazed, waiting for Lu Heyang to hang up—but Lu Heyang instead lifted the phone to his ear, all the while watching Xu Ze's eyes.

Xu Ze caught on half a beat late; he moved his fingers, drew his own mobile phone from his pocket, looked at the unfamiliar number on the screen, blinked once slowly, and tapped answer. Xu Ze too brought the phone to his ear. There was no sound inside the phone, because no one was speaking.

"Hello?" Xu Ze spoke up suddenly.

He heard his own voice, and at the same time heard his own voice coming out of Lu Heyang's mobile phone.

"Are you dizzy?" Lu Heyang asked, still watching him.

"Dizzy," Xu Ze said while nodding—answering, all at once, both the Lu Heyang on the phone and the one in front of him.

"I'll take you home." At the corner of Lu Heyang's mouth there was finally a trace of a smile.

Lu Heyang's suggestions were always a quiet temptation to Xu Ze; he had not phrased it as a question, only smiled faintly, leaving Xu Ze unable to think of any way to refuse. Xu Ze's gaze drifted down to Lu Heyang's lips, and he felt thirsty—he had drunk so much, and yet now he was suddenly parched beyond bearing. Xu Ze licked his lips and said, "Sorry for the trouble."

After today, he and Lu Heyang would have no more crossings.

A beep—the call ended. Xu Ze was still holding the phone, staring at Lu Heyang's lips in a daze, when he heard Lu Heyang ask, "What are you thinking?"

"Your… mouth." Xu Ze, fully demonstrating drunkard's honesty, said it plainly. "Very good-looking."

"And then?"

The tail of the word lifted, each syllable like a hook, lifting Xu Ze's whole heart up to the base of his throat—so that the moment he opened his mouth, the truth would come spilling out beyond his control.

"Want to…" Xu Ze mumbled, vague and dazed, the drunkenness washing his mind into a haze. He was being drawn forward; his body tilted a little, his head dipping down.

It seemed he had never been so close to Lu Heyang—their nose tips nearly touching, their breaths crossing, only centimeters left between their lips. And Lu Heyang maintained his stance of neither drawing back nor leaning in, watching him quietly. Xu Ze could feel his own boldness being inflated by the alcohol, urging him to set aside, for the moment, all his caution and his restraint. Xu Ze's breath was trembling faintly; he heard his own quick heartbeat, like the war-drum of a sprint—

But in the end, at the threshold of the finish, he lowered his flag and went silent.

Xu Ze turned his head aside, let it drop, and merely pressed his forehead against Lu Heyang's shoulder.

He was not that direct, not that brave—someone else, in his place, would probably already be seizing the chance for themselves; but he was only Xu Ze, and no matter how much he drank, the things he did not dare to do he still did not dare to do.

"I'll give you three chances. Do you want them?" Lu Heyang asked suddenly.

Xu Ze's nose twitched—he caught Lu Heyang's pheromone—and he raised his head, looking at Lu Heyang with some puzzlement. "What chances?"

"Chances like the one just now," Lu Heyang said.

He had not spelled it out, but Xu Ze understood without being told; he had no mind to ask Lu Heyang why he would offer such a chance, and even the resolve he had at last managed to muster was forgotten in an instant. He only stared for a while, then asked, "Can I do anything?"

Lu Heyang seemed to be considering. Xu Ze, hooked by him, grew serious in his gaze, watching him without looking away.

"I suppose so," Lu Heyang finally answered.

Then, with regret, he informed Xu Ze, "You've already used one of them just now."

The blow came without warning; Xu Ze instinctively grabbed the hem of Lu Heyang's T-shirt, his tone a touch urgent. "Why?"

An agreement ought only to take effect once both parties knew the terms—how could it have begun ahead of time?

He had barely finished asking when several knocks sounded at the door, each one separated from the next by a very regular pause. Lu Heyang did not turn around, but his expression cooled a little; he glanced at the time on his wristband and said to Xu Ze, "It's late. I'll take you back."

So Xu Ze quietly stopped pressing the matter; he put on his cap and walked out of the room with Lu Heyang. Strangely, there was no one outside, and Lu Heyang's face wore the look of someone long accustomed to this.

The hallway lights had long been broken. Xu Ze gripped the handrail while Lu Heyang held his other arm, guiding him up the stairs. After the door was opened, Xu Ze turned on the living-room light—he could barely stand steady at all, his whole field of vision swaying, but he still had to ask, "Would you like some water?"

"No need."

Once inside the room, Xu Ze sat down on the bed; Lu Heyang leaned against the desk and turned on the fan for him, saying, "Rest well. I'm leaving first."

As he said this he straightened up. Xu Ze hesitated, wanting to speak, and at last could not help standing when Lu Heyang had taken a few steps. "Wait."

Because of the dizziness, Xu Ze nearly fell back onto the bed, and could only brace himself against the edge for support; he felt his voice just now had been too quiet, afraid Lu Heyang had not heard, and said it again, "Wait a moment."

Lu Heyang turned around. He happened to be standing beneath the light—the brightest patch in the room pouring down from above his head, then scattering out into the corners of the room and growing dim.

"You said earlier that I'd already used one of the chances." Xu Ze was still brooding over it; the thought that he had wasted a chance out of cowardice stung him with a keen, lingering regret.

To miss one chance was to miss a third of a precious moment of closeness with Lu Heyang—33.333… percent of an endlessly recurring loop.

"Yes," Lu Heyang said.

"Can it not count?" Xu Ze's face fell at once; he lowered his head and, not at all clearly, mumbled, "I didn't know, back then."

After a long time with no answer, Xu Ze stood there, growing drowsy in the whir of the electric fan and the chirr of insects below the window. The scene before him suddenly darkened a little; he raised his head and found Lu Heyang already standing in front of him.

"If it doesn't count, what do you plan to do?" Lu Heyang's gaze moved slowly between Xu Ze's brows, his eyes, and his lips, and asked him.

"You haven't agreed yet." Xu Ze, even now, was being scrupulous—if Lu Heyang did not agree to restore the first chance, and Xu Ze did something now, it would amount to using the second chance, which was too extravagant.

Lu Heyang looked at him for a while, then said, "I agree."

The moment the words fell, Xu Ze, without hesitation and almost staking everything on a single throw, leaned in toward Lu Heyang, and on his right cheek, near the corner of his mouth, pressed a light kiss.

Then he looked at Lu Heyang, his face and his eyes both carrying a trace of a smile—the kind drunk people often wear, very honest and a little foolish. His pupils were unusually bright; one could not tell whether what gathered at the bottom of his eyes was water or tears.

Xu Ze would never know that, in that single second, his gaze and his expression had already surpassed any confession that could be put into words.