55

Xu Ze had a habit: every time Lu Heyang asked him a question, he would nod first without thinking, then go back over what Lu Heyang had actually said. This time was no different — the moment Lu Heyang's voice fell, Xu Ze nodded.

A moment passed. Xu Ze stood there, body and gaze both frozen, trying to recall Lu Heyang's exact words but unable to — only the general shape of the meaning surfaced.

Lu Heyang watched Xu Ze's eyes widen slightly after a long daze, then blink once, slow. And then he heard Xu Ze answer: 'No.'

An answer well within expectation. Sometimes liking and being in love were two entirely different matters; if one wanted to find, anywhere in the world, a person who had never once considered dating Lu Heyang, Xu Ze would certainly be among them. His liking Lu Heyang did not mean he would want to, or have the courage to, be with Lu Heyang — certain commonplaces of human feeling were difficult to manifest in Xu Ze.

'Is that so.' Lu Heyang smiled, with a touch of regret in his voice. 'A little heartbreaking, that.'

Xu Ze now needed several seconds just to let Lu Heyang's words reach his ears and be processed. He said: 'I didn't mean it that way.'

'Then what did you mean?' Lu Heyang returned the question in kind.

'It's not...' Xu Ze did not know how to phrase or explain it. He tried to organize his words, but in the end could only admit: 'I haven't thought about it.'

Never thought about it — not even in his sleep had he dreamed such a generous dream. Xu Ze believed he had already received far more than he had ever expected from Lu Heyang; he was not greedy. Even if Lu Heyang one day wished to take it all back, he would obediently return everything to its rightful owner.

Xu Ze thought Lu Heyang had asked on a whim, but he still answered honestly, conveying his position to Lu Heyang — I haven't thought about being with you, not even a little, don't worry.

But Lu Heyang said to him: 'If you haven't thought about it, then think about it now.'

That sentence turned the understanding Xu Ze had just built back into a tangle. He frowned, almost lost: 'What?'

'Think about being together.' Lu Heyang cupped Xu Ze's jaw with both hands, squeezed his cheeks between his palms. 'And from now on, whatever you want to know, ask me — I'll answer.'

He looked at Xu Ze for another two seconds, let go, and before pulling open the door said: 'The driver's at the school gate. I have to leave soon. Ride carefully on your way home.'

Seeing Xu Ze not respond, Lu Heyang prompted him: 'Say you understand.'

Xu Ze's eyes finally moved — like a robot being plugged in to charge. He looked at Lu Heyang and said: 'Understood.'

'Good.' Lu Heyang smiled at him and walked out of the stall.

By the time Lu Heyang had finished showering, Xu Ze had only just finished folding the towel in his hands — he didn't know why he was folding it, so he unfolded it again and hung it on the hook beside him.

'I'm leaving.' Lu Heyang's voice bounced with a faint echo off the empty shower room. 'Go home early.'

'...Okay.'

That evening, after Xu Ze got home, showered, and washed up, he worked on a test paper for over an hour. The paper was He Wei's — his tutor had assigned too much, and he really didn't want to do it, so he had given it to Xu Ze. It was very useful to Xu Ze, because none of the questions in it would appear in textbooks or reference books sold through ordinary channels.

After checking the answers and working through the solutions to his mistakes, Xu Ze began to space out.

He had a floating feeling that would not leave him — unreal, like being poor for a long time and suddenly receiving a million out of thin air: the first reaction is not joy but bewilderment, incomprehension, worry.

The night wind rose outside, blowing through the leaves with a sound like ocean waves. After a while, Xu Ze heard a knock on the door — not loud, but he flinched suddenly, and when he stood up he nearly knocked the chair over.

Xu Ze had originally had many things to think about, to consider, the whole of him retreating back to that rational line — but upon seeing Lu Heyang's faintly smiling face and his hair a little disheveled by the wind, Xu Ze decided to abandon all his concerns.

Lu Heyang was not a million. He was far better, far more precious than a million — someone who would never be encountered again in the rest of his life. Xu Ze realized he had never, from the very beginning, conceived of the option of 'refusal.' He could never refuse Lu Heyang, even though this matter was full of concerns and unease.

Throat dry, body unable to react, Xu Ze pressed one hand on the door handle — nervously, without knowing it, blocking Lu Heyang outside the door.

'Anyone else at home?' Lu Heyang stood politely in the stairwell and asked him.

'No.' Xu Ze stepped back and pulled the door open a little wider.

He saw the folder in Lu Heyang's hand and understood that Lu Heyang must have come for some matter.

Entering the room, Lu Heyang sat in the chair at the desk, pushed Xu Ze's test paper aside, took out a stack of materials and a signature pen from the document bag, then turned his head to look at Xu Ze standing by the bed: 'Come here.'

Xu Ze walked over. Lu Heyang wrapped an arm around his waist, shifted his left leg behind Xu Ze, and had him sit on his lap.

'Showered already?' Lu Heyang leaned close to Xu Ze's shoulder and sniffed, asked.

Never having sat on anyone's lap before, Xu Ze appeared very stiff at this moment. He nodded.

'Here, sign here.' Lu Heyang handed the pen to Xu Ze, pointing at a certain signature line.

Without looking at what document it was, without even asking — Lu Heyang told Xu Ze to sign, and Xu Ze signed. One after another, he signed more than ten names in total, until Lu Heyang said 'done,' at which point Xu Ze capped the pen and set it on the desk.

'Not going to ask what it is?' Lu Heyang touched Xu Ze's ear.

Xu Ze stared at the desk. His ear tickled from Lu Heyang's touch; he tucked his neck in slightly and asked: 'What is it?'

'A contract of servitude.' Lu Heyang answered.

'Sold to whom?' Xu Ze tried to play along with the joke.

Lu Heyang laughed and countered: 'Who do you want to sell yourself to?'

Xu Ze turned his head to glance at Lu Heyang, then quickly turned back to keep looking at the desk. He felt he really wasn't suited for joking with people. Quietly, he said: 'No one.'

'Some subsidies, reimbursements, insurance, that sort of thing.' Lu Heyang's fingertips rested on the edge of the materials, roughly aligning them. 'Some you might not have known about before, so you didn't apply. I've sorted out everything your grandmother qualifies for.'

'Can the Private Sanatorium be reimbursed too?'

'Yes. Hospitalization and medication costs can both be partially reimbursed.' Lu Heyang answered, unruffled and certain.

Xu Ze had questions, but his thinking was too scattered right now — he didn't know where to begin. He said: 'If you have time, could you send me an electronic copy to look at?'

'Sure.' Lu Heyang said.

Anyway, even if he didn't send it, Xu Ze would find all kinds of excuses for him — too busy, forgot, that sort of thing. Lu Heyang carried little psychological burden.

He asked Xu Ze again: 'Anything else you want to say?'

Xu Ze's two hands were curled into fists resting on the desk. After a few seconds of silence, he asked: 'Why did you say this semester you wouldn't come to class often?'

From behind, Lu Heyang saw Xu Ze's shoulders tense after asking the question — proof that Xu Ze actually very much wanted to know the reason.

'Because I might attend the Military Academy.' Lu Heyang reached his right hand over, slid two fingers into the gaps of Xu Ze's fist, and spread his palm open. 'If I'm applying to the Military Academy, the written and physical exam content will be quite special, so I need extra tutoring and training, and I also need to visit the Military Academy and Military Base in advance.'

Xu Ze seemed not to have reacted. After a while he turned around and asked: 'Attend the Military Academy?'

He had thought Lu Heyang would certainly go into politics afterwards — even after graduating from the Military Academy one could still enter political circles, but League University was obviously a hundred times easier than the Military Academy. If the ultimate goal was the same, Lu Heyang was essentially taking a great detour — unless he also intended to engage with the military world.

'Yes.' Lu Heyang answered.

'Is it a family requirement?' Xu Ze's tone was very cautious, because he didn't know whether asking this counted as overstepping.

'No.'

'That's good' — this sentence Xu Ze did not say aloud, but his whole body relaxed.

'Tomorrow morning I have to go abroad, to participate in the first phase of course training — probably one or two weeks.' Lu Heyang held Xu Ze's shoulder and turned him around to face himself. 'Not just this one or two weeks. In the future I might need even longer.'

Not just referring to attending the Military Academy — in all aspects, it would take a very long time, a very long road to walk.

'It's okay.' Xu Ze said.

They had always been two non-intersecting parallel lines, each with their own things to do, to accomplish. Lu Heyang was willing, when he had time, to take a detour and fold over to look at him — that was enough. Xu Ze had no other requirements.

...No, he had a requirement. One requirement.

Xu Ze found Lu Heyang's wrist and loosely held it in his hand. He did not look at Lu Heyang's eyes, did not know where he was staring; his voice dropped: 'If one day, when you really have to leave — can you say goodbye to me.'

No matter how long this relationship could last, in any case Xu Ze needed Lu Heyang to personally end this overly unreal dream. As long as Lu Heyang said it, he would wake up immediately — would not close his eyes and pretend not to hear.

Goodbye meant a formal farewell — not asking Lu Heyang to promise they would meet again.

The wind outside was still blowing. Lu Heyang pressed one hand against Xu Ze's lower back, making sure this dandelion-like Alpha had not been blown away. He said: 'I will.'

More than once, Lu Heyang could feel the pessimism in Xu Ze — perhaps Xu Ze himself did not realize it. What had improved was that this time Xu Ze did not brood in silence; at least he could say it out loud.

Lu Heyang did not stay long. When he was about to leave, Xu Ze was still holding tissues, standing by the desk, looking down carefully. Lu Heyang advised him: 'It probably didn't get on those places.'

'...' Xu Ze put down the tissues and raised his head. His face and lips were a little red, but his pupils were unexpectedly bright and wet. He tugged at his wrinkled T-shirt and followed behind Lu Heyang.

Before opening the door, Lu Heyang looked back at Xu Ze. Xu Ze's reflex arc was quite long — or perhaps, after disbelief and worried pessimism, he had finally begun to feel happy, so his face seemed to hold a faint smile, that indescribable look of being able to be silly-happy only alone.

'You're so dumb.' Lu Heyang laughed, pressed Xu Ze's shoulder, and kissed him on the mouth.

Xu Ze's eyes were still bright. He took Lu Heyang's hand, let go after a few seconds — not delaying Lu Heyang's time overmuch.

'I'm leaving.' Lu Heyang said. He closed the door and walked to the stairwell. He had only gone down a few steps when he heard a very quiet sound of a door opening, turned around, and saw Xu Ze looking at him through the crack of the door — through the security door. Lu Heyang waved at him.

After going down one floor, Lu Heyang suddenly realized that high summer had passed, and the Plum Blossom in the residential area were no longer blooming; he could only smell the scent of trees and wind.

After Lu Heyang disappeared into the stairwell, Xu Ze closed the door, went back to his room, drew open the curtains, opened the window, and leaned his hands on the windowsill, looking down.

About half a minute later, he saw Lu Heyang step out of the stairwell. After a few steps Lu Heyang turned around and raised his head through the swaying branches. Mottled light and shadow scattered all over him; the leaves swayed like ocean waves. Lu Heyang stood under the night trees as if standing at the bottom of a deep blue sea. Tonight's moon was actually quite beautiful, but Xu Ze did not look up — only looked down from afar, from the windowsill, looked down at the moon in the sea.

Xu Ze could not sleep early today. He worked on the test paper until midnight. Before going to bed he pulled open the drawer, took out that little notebook, flipped to the page with twelve circles drawn, then flipped one more page, used the pen to write today's date at the beginning of the first line, and then drew one horizontal stroke.

Perhaps this tally would never be completed, or only a few strokes could be drawn before stopping — it didn't matter.

This beginning of one horizontal stroke was already, for Xu Ze, an ending without regret.