Three

These past few days Xu Yan had been in a good mood—he was about to leave his job. He'd put in his notice over a month ago. Quitting without another job lined up wasn't a wise decision, and it wasn't that he couldn't find one; he just really wanted some time off, to do anything—lie around at home, go traveling, shoot outdoors. Speaking of which, his Camera really hadn't been touched in ages. Back in college he'd been a campus-famous photographer, after all...

College, college. So it had already been over two years since graduation, and he'd known Shen Zhi for six years.

Xu Yan was in the Literature department, Shen Zhi in the Economics department. At the start of freshman year, Shen Zhi's name had spread like wildfire—because of his grades and his looks. Xu Yan had been dismissive at the time: surely there were a few handsome guys among the swarm of new students, I'm plenty handsome too, OK?

During military training everyone was afraid of getting sunburned, hat brims pulled lower and lower, but Xu Yan had never managed to spot Shen Zhi among those dusty, grimy figures. Later he realized he hadn't found Shen Zhi not because Shen Zhi looked the same as everyone else, but because he genuinely hadn't run into him—once he did, Xu Yan would have spotted him at first glance for sure.

Tall, fair, upright, long legs and broad shoulders, the hat brim covering his eyes, revealing a delicately sculpted lower face. Others in camouflage were doing military training; he in camouflage was shooting a poster—very handsome, very noble, as if four big characters were written across him: Don't touch me.

For this Xu Yan had specifically followed the university's official account. The daily posts had a column featuring freshman military training highlights. The school media seniors were sharp—they'd caught Shen Zhi and photographed him to death. Front shots, side shots, low angle, high angle, close-ups, mid-shots, full-body shots—boldly and unbridled using the handsome guy to drive traffic to their posts... and in driving traffic, they'd driven Xu Yan in too.

Especially later at the basketball game, when Xu Yan saw Shen Zhi's calm and composed demeanor—even after winning he was this calm. The whole arena cheering, only he was the cold unattainable flower, sweating slightly panting, among his teammates' wild hugs and shoulder bumps just giving a faint smile. That basketball game produced a legendary candid shot—Shen Zhi's backward glance while dribbling. Jersey, sweat, gaze, jaw, neck and shoulders, lines—an eighteen-year-old boy's clear features against the blurred crowd around him.

The photo was taken by Xu Yan of the Photography Association.

No matter how long ago, Xu Yan could still recall the scene. The basketball gym was so loud the roof was about to be torn off. He held his DSLR, chasing a certain figure through the viewfinder, and then suddenly one moment that figure paused, turned back, across half a basketball court's distance, ink-black eyes looking straight at him. Just a very short second—maybe not even a full second. But Xu Yan felt that moment stretched very long, no sound at all, the surroundings seemed completely empty. They gazed at each other quietly in the viewfinder, so quiet Xu Yan could hear his own heartbeat.

So much so that when he pressed the shutter Xu Yan's fingertip almost slipped, and when he dazedly lowered the DSLR, leaving that small world in the viewfinder, everything returned—the cheers deafening, Shen Zhi scored, the whole arena screamed.

Later that photo pushed the Photography Association's official account article to hundreds of thousands of reads. The photo was only published after getting consent from all basketball team members. Xu Yan looked at the byline at the end of the article—Photography: Xu Yan. He wondered, would Shen Zhi see this post, would he notice the photographer's name, would he remember him.

The answer was he didn't know. Probably not. But Xu Yan didn't care—at least now Shen Zhi definitely remembered him.

'Look.' Xu Yan hugged the DSLR and ducked into the walk-in closet. Shen Zhi was putting on his jacket. Xu Yan said quite happily, 'I haven't taken photos in so long.'

Shen Zhi glanced at his hand, paused, said: 'You don't have that much time.'

'I will soon. I'm quitting in a few days...'

'It's not early.' Shen Zhi didn't seem to be listening. He finished dressing, checked his watch, brushed past Xu Yan's shoulder and walked out. 'We can head out.'

Xu Yan stared at the Camera for a while, tugged at the corner of his mouth, set it on the cabinet beside him, and left the walk-in closet. The two went downstairs together, Xu Yan with both hands stuffed in his jacket pockets, said: 'In college I took photos for a lot of people, they all said they were pretty good.' What he actually wanted to say was the best photo I ever took was of you, but I never got the chance to do a set for you.

His phone rang. Shen Zhi unlocked it and opened it, scrolled through messages. He stared at the screen and slightly frowned—whether because of the message content or Xu Yan's words—then answered blandly: 'What's that got to do with me.'

When he said this Xu Yan was reaching out to open the door, cold wind hit his face, no sun today, clouds piled up gloomy. Xu Yan looked up at a sparrow flying across the sky, as if he hadn't heard Shen Zhi's words—actually he had, heard it clearly. It was after all Shen Zhi speaking.

The driver was already waiting outside. Shen Zhi walked a few steps, noticed Xu Yan hadn't followed, turned back and asked him: 'Not coming?'

Xu Yan slowly looked at him, smiled, said: 'I forgot something, you go ahead.'

Shen Zhi then turned and walked forward—the two's Companies happened to be in opposite directions. There had never been a precedent of going to work together, and no need.

At noon Xu Yan was smoking on the Company terrace. He didn't smoke often because Shen Zhi didn't like it, but today he didn't want to hold back. Less than two months until New Year, Xu Yan suddenly missed home. When he'd first come here for college, he was definitely going to go home after graduation. He hadn't expected to meet Shen Zhi, get together, move in together, so Xu Yan came out to his family, and had a falling out with them.

He came out unilaterally—Shen Zhi had no idea at all, certainly no interest in knowing. His father had given him a slap, told him not to come home if he had any guts; his mother was crying; his younger brother Xu Nian, one year younger, simply said nothing. Xu Yan thought about it now—he was really brave back then, and really heartless, hurting his closest people for an ambiguous relationship. Calling him love-brained would be generous.

The cruelest twist of fate was right here—the ambiguous relationship back then was still the same now, unchanged.

In college Xu Yan still went home for New Year. In the two years after graduation and the falling out, on New Year's Eve Shen Zhi went home, Xu Yan went out with friends to ring in the new year. Actually not lonely, but thinking about it, something always felt off. Just that the 'off' between them was really too much—this point didn't count for much.

Should he go home this year? Xu Yan smoked, looking at the grey sky, suddenly thought this. Just didn't know what Shen Zhi's plans for New Year's Eve were—would he suddenly want to ring in the new year with him? Too unlikely, but he'd wait and see, in case... in case there was some turning point. Xu Yan laughed self-deprecatingly. He always held onto fantasies.

In the afternoon Xu Yan sent Shen Zhi a WeChat message, telling him he had to work overtime today and couldn't go back to cook. As usual Shen Zhi replied with a 'mm' after about an hour, nothing extra—Xu Yan was used to it. After thinking, he asked again: Are you eating out tonight?

This time the reply came pretty quickly. Shen Zhi: Mm.

Shen Zhi often had social engagements, banquets or dinner meetings, and often came home late, but Xu Yan never suspected he'd do anything out there—given Shen Zhi's personality, if he wanted to be with someone else, he'd absolutely be too lazy to hide it from Xu Yan, he'd definitely just kick him out directly, swap in someone more satisfactory to keep by his side.

Xu Yan: Then drink less, I'll make you sober-up soup when I get back.

Shen Zhi: Got it.

Just chatting a couple lines with him made him happy. Xu Yan sent a slightly idiotic emoji sticker over, and as expected Shen Zhi didn't reply to him anymore.