Chapter 35

On the twelfth of the first lunar month, Xu Nian and Ye Xuan held their wedding ceremony. The groomsmen were many—Xu Yan and Ji Huai among them. The whole day passed in a frantic rush, and Xu Nian told Xu Yan no fewer than twenty times, "Ge, I'm so nervous."

"I know, you've already wrinkled my sleeve." Xu Yan peeled Xu Nian's hand off. "Relax, I'm right here with you."

Xu Nian was already half out of his mind: "Comrade? What comrade?! That's you, not me!"

Xu Yan gave a cold laugh and went off to find a place to smoke. Xu Nian turned to Ji Huai to vent: "Wuwu, Ji Huai-ge, seeing you makes me feel even safer than seeing my own brother..." Xu Yan, hearing this, turned his head and saw Ji Huai smiling faintly at Xu Nian—the same way he used to look at Xu Nian in their younger years.

So really, any feeling leaves traces behind; it's just that some people will never know.

The wedding ceremony began. Xu Yan and Ji Huai each gave Xu Nian a hug and watched him walk up onto the beautiful stage. Lu Sen was standing below with the camera, and as their eyes met he waved at Xu Yan, who raised his hand and waved back.

During the ring exchange, the ring on the groom's side was originally supposed to be delivered by Xu Yan, but Ji Huai suddenly asked, "Can I do it instead?"

Xu Yan didn't catch on at first. Ji Huai smiled and said, "Just consider it fulfilling a wish for me—standing on stage with him for a few seconds."

Xu Yan couldn't bring himself to look at that smile. He handed the ring box to Ji Huai and said, "Of course. Niannian did say seeing you is more reassuring than seeing his own brother."

Ji Huai took the ring and walked up onto the stage. Xu Nian's eyes were already red, and Xu Yan suspected his brother would start sobbing in public any second. Ji Huai patted Xu Nian's shoulder and handed him the ring. Xu Nian turned back, opened his mouth, and Xu Yan could tell he'd called out 'ge' to Ji Huai.

It really was only a few seconds. They stood on stage in their formal wear, Xu Nian took the ring and slipped it onto Ye Xuan's finger, and Ji Huai turned and stepped down.

"If it were me, I probably couldn't imagine watching the person I love get married with my own eyes, but you're standing right here, as his groomsman, giving him the ring." Xu Yan said this after Ji Huai came down.

Ji Huai only smiled. "This is already the best relationship I can have with him. I'm content."

He said he was content, but that was nearly ten years of unrequited love—that word 'content' was hardly believable. But Xu Yan knew Ji Huai genuinely hoped Xu Nian could be happy.

"You think you can't imagine it now because you still have room." Ji Huai said slowly. "Once you truly accept that you can never be together, watching him get married isn't necessarily that hard."

How strange—even in front of Shen Zhi he could harden his heart and make a decision, but hearing Ji Huai's words, Xu Yan hesitated and couldn't answer right away.

Every story has an ending, happy or sad, but the people in the story—Xu Yan looked up at the dim, scattered lights, and thought of Shen Zhi. Eighteen-year-old Shen Zhi, nineteen-year-old Shen Zhi, twenty-year-old Shen Zhi... the Shen Zhi who came after. Too many memories of him were rooted in his mind, drifting and floating, impossible to predict what fraction of his life those recollections would end up occupying.

The wedding ceremony was over, and Xu Yan and Ji Huai went to sit at a table for the meal, with Lu Sen joining them. Xu Yan introduced them in the middle: "Lu Sen, Tide photographer, my boss."

"Ji Huai, a buddy I've grown up with since we were kids."

"Hello." Lu Sen extended his hand to Ji Huai. "I just overheard you on the phone in the hallway—do you work in London?"

"Mm." Ji Huai politely shook his hand briefly and let go quickly.

Lu Sen nodded and smiled. "Nice accent."

It was nearly midnight before the wedding ceremony finally ended. Several groomsmen had gotten drunk from blocking drinks, and Xu Nian wasn't much better off—left arm around Xu Yan, right arm around Ji Huai, the three of them slumped against the table. Xu Nian kept giggling foolishly and told Ye Xuan, who was sitting in a chair, "They're both my real brothers!"

Ye Xuan, in her wedding gown, rested her chin on her hand and looked down at him with a smile. "I know. You've told me many times."

"Ji Huai-ge is the best! Xu Yan is a total dumbass!" Xu Nian shouted.

Xu Yan couldn't be bothered to respond. Ji Huai turned his head and said to Xu Nian with a smile, "Xiao Nian, congratulations on your wedding. Thank you for letting me be your groomsman."

Thank you for specially inviting me to witness your love.

He said it so calmly and lightly, but Xu Yan suddenly turned his head away, his Adam's apple bobbing, silently choking up.

Not everyone is lucky enough to have every feeling answered; what you can't forget doesn't necessarily echo back. Some people are toyed with by fate and make peace with it alone, some people's hearts die in a long frozen river, some smile and say congratulations on the wedding, some receive a long-overdue 'I love you.'

Unlucky, yet lucky.

Lu Sen picked up the camera and took a photo of the three of them in a heap on the floor.

The guests dispersed, and Xu Shen and Fang Hui went home as well. At the hotel entrance, Xu Nian hooked his arm around Xu Yan's neck and whispered in his ear. Xu Yan himself was dizzy and dazed, and asked blankly, "What?"

"Ge... last time you went to Japan, I called you... who exactly was the person in your room?"

Xu Yan looked at him with an expression too complicated to put into words.

"I heard him ask if you wanted water... at the time... I didn't recognize it, but later, I thought about it..." Xu Nian smacked his lips. "That sounded like Shen Zhi's voice."

"Was it Shen Zhi?" Xu Nian asked.

After a pause, Xu Yan said, "Yes."

"He went to find you... he's gone to find you many times, hasn't he..." Xu Nian leaned in closer and asked in a very small voice, "Ge, do you still like him?"

Xu Yan said nothing. Xu Nian muttered, "Don't like him anymore. He wasn't ever nice to you before... and, I'm telling you, I have a friend who told me Shen Zhi's been stripped of power at the company by his dad... no real authority anymore, really sad, don't know what family conflict is going on..."

"What are you two doing?" Lu Sen turned around. "The driver's here."

After putting Xu Nian and Ye Xuan in the car, Xu Yan stood where he was, tipsy, only remembering that Xu Nian had said Shen Zhi had been stripped of power at the company—why? He knew Shen Zhi's parents were strict and rigid, and he knew Shen Zhi had once had conflicts with his family over the matter between them, but now they had completely broken up, so why was this still happening?

Ji Huai's driver arrived and helped him into the car. Just as he was about to close the door, a hand reached out to stop him. Ji Huai tilted his head and looked up—Lu Sen was standing outside the car, smiling lazily at him. "You dropped something." Ji Huai said nothing, watching him with a faint expression. Lu Sen leaned over and tucked the white rose in his hand into the breast pocket of Ji Huai's suit—it was the groomsman's boutonniere.

"Your white rose." After pinning it, Lu Sen adjusted the petals, straightened up, and smiled. "Bye-bye."

Ji Huai looked at him slowly. "Thank you."

The car drove off. Lu Sen turned back intending to call Xu Yan over and drive him home, only to find Xu Yan staring in some direction. Lu Sen followed his gaze and, sure enough, saw a car parked by a flower bed not far away, with someone standing beside it.

"I still haven't settled accounts with you about that last thing." Lu Sen walked over to Xu Yan and lowered his voice. "You're not going to make me play the adulterer again today, are you?"

If that were really the case, it would be too boring and too ridiculous. Xu Yan of course shook his head, and Lu Sen immediately, without a care: "Alright, then I'm heading off first. Tell me when you get home, and tell me when you haven't gotten home yet either. Goodnight." With that he walked toward his own car. Xu Yan didn't react for a moment, and by the time he came back to himself, Lu Sen had already driven past, lowering his car window to wave goodbye.

Xu Yan looked at Shen Zhi. Since coming back from Japan, Shen Zhi hadn't appeared again, even though it had only been a few days. During that time Xu Yan had received one phone call from him, after ten at night—after connecting there was no sound, only very light breathing. Xu Yan didn't speak either, and they were silent together for two minutes before Xu Yan hung up.

Their eyes met for a moment, and Shen Zhi walked toward Xu Yan. As his face came into clearer view, Xu Yan thought that if he pressed his hand against it, he wouldn't feel any flesh—every time he saw Shen Zhi, he noticed he'd lost a little more weight.

Step by step he drew closer, Shen Zhi's fingertips curling unconsciously. When he reached Xu Yan, his Adam's apple moved, and he looked at him and said, "Xu Nian got married."—Neither a statement nor a question, more like not knowing what would be appropriate to say, so he could only open with this.

"Mm."

Shen Zhi's eyelashes were very long; when they drooped from his poor spirits, the shadow covered his pupils, making them impossible to see. He took off his jacket and draped it over Xu Yan, saying, "I'll take you home."

"Aren't you tired?" Xu Yan suddenly asked him.

Aren't you tired? That night in Otaru, calling out someone else's name while kissing—Xu Yan had thought that would be a tremendous blow to Shen Zhi, enough to make him disheartened and let go completely. But why hadn't he? So much so that now, seeing Shen Zhi again, Xu Yan felt tired on his behalf, felt it was hard, felt he was being tormented.

Shen Zhi paused, then looked away. "I'm not tired. You never felt tired before."

For the past few years he'd been so cruel and cold toward Xu Yan, and Xu Yan hadn't uttered a single word of complaint—what right did he have to say he was tired.

"I said I would pursue you." Shen Zhi said quietly. "As long as you haven't gotten together with someone else."

As for what to do if Xu Yan really did get together with someone else—Shen Zhi hadn't considered that possibility. He didn't dare think about it, didn't want to think about it; people always had the instinct to seek benefit and avoid harm.

"I'll end up with someone else eventually." Xu Yan looked up indifferently. "It's only a matter of time."

Shen Zhi's back stiffened. He quickly lowered his eyes, turned and went to open the passenger-side door. Standing there, he showed a profile that looked silent and dejected, as if avoiding that sentence.

"Get in the car, Xu Yan." His voice was a little hoarse. "Let me take you home."