37

In March, Xu Yan went to Italy on a business trip with Lu Sen. After returning, he took three days off to rest, and also to attend Li Ziyou's Wedding.

On the day of the Wedding Ceremony, Xu Yan left early in the morning, went to the Company to pick up some things, then went back to his parents' house for breakfast and to rest. After that, the family driver took him to the high-speed rail station, and Xu Yan bought a ticket on the spot and boarded the train.

He arrived at the wedding venue around noon. Among the guests were quite a few familiar faces from university. Li Ziyou, dressed in her gown, came up and hugged Xu Yan as soon as she saw him. Because the hug lasted too long, the groom expressed jealousy.

"Xu Yan, I'm really glad you could come." Li Ziyou looked at him with bright eyes.

Xu Yan was a little confused, smiled, and said, "Of course I had to come."

"What about Shen Zhi, didn't he come with you?"

At that time, their close circle of friends more or less knew about them, especially since they'd moved in together after graduation—it was impossible to hide. Xu Yan didn't want to spoil the mood; if he brought up their breakup, Li Ziyou would probably grab him and ask questions. He nodded, giving an ambiguous answer: "Didn't come together."

"Right, you're not in the same place anymore now. We thought you'd broken up before—how did you suddenly end up long-distance? And then someone—who was it—went and asked Shen Zhi, and Shen Zhi said no, and told us not to bother you."

"Mm." Xu Yan smiled faintly, giving a vague response.

He went to his seat and sat down. Glancing to the side, he saw that the chair next to his had Shen Zhi's name on it. Less than a minute after sitting down, his phone rang. Xu Yan answered: "Hello."

Shen Zhi understood as soon as he heard the noise coming through the phone, but still asked: "Have you arrived?"

"Yes."

"Okay, I'm driving, see you in a bit."

After the call ended, Shen Zhi glanced at Xu Yan's front door, then turned and walked toward the elevator, holding a bag of breakfast that had already gone cold—there was nothing to be done about it; he'd waited too long at the door for the food to cool down.

By the time Shen Zhi arrived, lunch had already been going on for over half an hour. Xu Yan was leaning against a long table chatting with college classmates. When Shen Zhi walked up beside him, Xu Yan only glanced up. Someone nearby asked Shen Zhi why he was so late, and Shen Zhi replied: "Something came up."

After lunch and some drinks, the wedding officially began. Most of those attending the outdoor ceremony in the afternoon were friends and classmates of the bride and groom; there weren't many elders, so the atmosphere was relaxed. When Li Ziyou threw the bouquet, everyone crowded to the front. Xu Yan watched them, finding it amusing, a smile on his lips. After he finished clapping and leaned back against his chair, he instinctively glanced to the side—and met Shen Zhi's eyes directly—Shen Zhi had been watching him the whole time.

Xu Yan turned his gaze away a little awkwardly. In the past, Shen Zhi never really looked at him; if he did, it was a cold, indifferent glance, probably no different from looking at furniture. Now, being watched like this from time to time, Xu Yan wasn't used to it from head to toe. That gaze, focused and burning, fell on him—hot.

"How's Lin Mian." Xu Yan picked up his glass and took a sip, asking somewhat abruptly.

"She applied to a school, preparing to go abroad for her PhD." Shen Zhi said. "Her parents were terrified by the Suicide incident and stopped forcing her, but Lin Mian herself wants to study abroad."

Xu Yan nodded: "She broke up with her boyfriend completely."

"Mm."

"That's good too." Xu Yan said. "She did everything she could. It was a bit brutal, but at least she has no regrets."

Shen Zhi was about to speak when suddenly there was a burst of cheering and screaming from that side. A bouquet flew out from the crowd, its long ribbon arcing and fluttering through the air—Li Ziyou had thrown too hard, the bouquet flew high, and somehow no one caught it. Instead, Xu Yan, sitting in his chair, was inexplicably hit full in the chest with the flowers, sloshing half his drink.

The crowd turned around and saw that Xu Yan had caught the bouquet. Several classmates who knew about him and Shen Zhi started making suggestive noises. Someone whistled and laughed: "Xu Yan, you've got the bouquet, hurry up and kiss the handsome guy next to you!"

Another chimed in: "After that kiss, the next couple to get married is you two!"

Others who didn't know the situation just went along with the joke, shouting "kiss" one after another. For a moment, Xu Yan felt like someone who'd come to watch the fun only to have it land on his own head—riding a tiger and unable to dismount, extremely awkward. Combined with the alcohol, his brain wasn't working fast enough to figure out how to respond. He was about to laugh it off when Shen Zhi suddenly took hold of his wrist—his wrist, not his palm. It looked normal, not overly intimate.

Shen Zhi led Xu Yan to his feet, took the glass from his hand and set it on the chair, looked up at Li Ziyou, and smoothly shifted the blame: "Ziyou, it seems like you and the groom haven't kissed yet."

Without waiting for Li Ziyou's response, Shen Zhi continued: "Xu Yan's had too much to drink, the sun's making him a bit dizzy. I'll take him to rest for a while, you all keep having fun."

He held Xu Yan's wrist and walked toward the hall. Xu Yan stumbled a few steps with the bouquet in hand, following behind him. The two of them, pulling and being pulled, one in front and one behind, looked rather like... Li Ziyou shouted: "Why are you two acting like you're running away from a wedding!"

Xu Yan looked at Shen Zhi's shoulders. In the past, he really had never considered marrying Shen Zhi—not to mention whether it was even possible domestically, but mainly Shen Zhi just had the look of someone who wouldn't stay with him for long. Xu Yan had always been on edge, anxious and fearful; how would he dare think about marriage.

The two stepped from sunlight into the shade of trees. Shen Zhi didn't take Xu Yan back to the hall, but stopped under a tree. It was early March, spring just beginning, the weather showing signs of warming, the sunlight unreasonably comfortable. The sound of laughter came from not far away; just standing here felt pleasant. Xu Yan tried to pull his hand free. Shen Zhi loosened his grip slightly but didn't let go, instead sliding down to hold his palm.

Xu Yan looked up and found Shen Zhi looking at the bouquet, his expression somewhat lost in thought.

"What, thinking about getting married?" Xu Yan asked casually. He didn't feel he knew Shen Zhi that well, but inexplicably, at this moment he had a premonition that Shen Zhi was thinking exactly that—though he certainly wasn't, so Xu Yan regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth.

Shen Zhi was startled for a moment, looked up at him. Xu Yan took the chance while he was distracted and pulled his hand free. Holding the bouquet, he stood face to face with Shen Zhi under the big tree, the grass green and lush, the afternoon sunlight warm. In the past, at a moment like this, Xu Yan might really have used the alcohol as an excuse to propose to Shen Zhi, even as a joke.

He could also imagine Shen Zhi's reaction—looking at him coldly with an expressionless face, saying "Boring," and turning to leave.

This was their past that could never be changed, and even if Shen Zhi now regretted and acknowledged his mistakes, it was hard to make amends. As long as he thought of these things, Xu Yan could always sober up immediately.

Some things were actually quite simple: love is love, not loving is not loving. If one is always anxious, guessing, doubting, desperately searching every detail for so-called proof of love, needing a magnifying glass to scrutinize—then that kind of relationship is bound to fail. Xu Yan had already failed once; the consequences were right there, and who wouldn't feel a lingering dread.

Because the painful and bitter parts of a relationship outweigh the rest, he couldn't bring himself to try again.

"Xu Yan, am I really terrible." Shen Zhi looked at him for a long moment, then suddenly asked.

His expression was serious, not joking, not putting on a pitiful face. Xu Yan's tongue pressed against his teeth; he wanted to brush it off with "How would I know, what's it to me," but couldn't.

Xu Yan replied: "Yes, absolutely terrible."

So much so that when Xu Yan recalled his past self, he felt a spontaneous sense of admiration—how he had gone from being someone who only cared about looks to falling into a bottomless abyss, wandering blindly and unilaterally for four whole years. It was a mystery.

The wedding venue started playing lyrical music; they must have reached the part that required some heartfelt emotion. Xu Yan turned his head to look. The wind brushed past his ear, a little cold. He heard Shen Zhi say: "I'm so terrible, and you still liked me... for so long."

Xu Yan was actually a bit stunned, but he kept his posture of looking away at the crowd, his Adam's apple moving slightly, and said seemingly casually: "Yes, but that was all in the past."

He couldn't bring himself to say "forget it, it's all in the past"—it wouldn't pass. Happy memories were pitifully few; when he recalled them, they were all cold, silent, lonely, and desolate. Like a torch burning in an icy wilderness, with no end, only slowly consuming itself in a chronic Suicide, year after year, until the last wisp of black smoke died out, and they would reap the result of a "civilized parting."

But Xu Yan didn't want a civilized parting. When he left, he was decisive and clean, and he knew well that the fire hadn't burned out. So he didn't want to see Shen Zhi, didn't want to talk to him, didn't want to have any connection with him. It was like jumping off a cliff—Xu Yan threw himself forward without a care for his life, whether he lived or died he bore it himself, which was better than slinking away in self-pity. As for Shen Zhi's reaction behind him, that was no longer his concern.

But unfortunately, Shen Zhi grabbed him and wouldn't let go, leaving him hanging on the edge of the cliff, unable to advance or retreat. Climbing back up to repeat the same mistakes was impossible, but Shen Zhi wouldn't let him fall cleanly either, leaving both of them wretched and exhausted.

No one spoke anymore. The wind rustled the leaves. The music was suddenly turned up a little, and they finally heard clearly what the song was about.

……

Many things have choices

It's just that often I only understand afterward

Emotions are a mess, words come out harsh

Communication between people

Sometimes is useless

Maybe only you understand me

So you didn't escape

Crying on one side while holding me tight

Whispering how much you love me

……

Why would a perfectly good wedding play such a sad song? Xu Yan blinked, stopped looking at Shen Zhi, and walked back to the venue with the bouquet.

After enough fun with friends in the afternoon, by evening Li Ziyou had changed and returned to the hotel with dignity for the proper wedding ceremony. Xu Yan, Shen Zhi, and other college classmates sat at one table. Because Xu Yan had to take the high-speed train home that night, he didn't touch alcohol. Shen Zhi didn't either; in front of each of them sat a glass of red wine, untouched from beginning to end.

After it ended, Li Ziyou had accompanied the groom to toast the elders, then came alone, dragging her wedding dress, to Xu Yan's table. The others had all gotten up to chat with people they knew. Xu Yan and Shen Zhi sat in their seats, and when they saw Li Ziyou coming, they both picked up their glasses.

The three clinked glasses. Xu Yan and Shen Zhi took small sips; Li Ziyou downed half a glass by herself, then set her glass down and looked at Xu Yan very seriously.

"Xu Yan, I've always wanted to say thank you to you in person."

Xu Yan: "Hmm?"

Li Ziyou said softly: "That email, you sent it to me, right?"

Xu Yan was startled, gave a somewhat dazed smile, and said nothing. Li Ziyou continued: "After I received the email, I thought about it over and over. That night, it seemed like you were the one who kept stopping me from drinking. I figured it might have been you."

"After that I went straight to Qiu Hao and asked him if that was what he was thinking, if he was trying to get me drunk."

Shen Zhi, who had been silent, slightly furrowed his brow and suddenly asked: "When did this happen?"

"Junior year, the night of your birthday." Li Ziyou said. "Qiu Hao tried to deny it at first, but then admitted it. That night he even deliberately had Xu Yan use his ID to help him book a room."

Shen Zhi stared at her, a nameless premonition surging up in his chest, very strong. The fingers holding his wine glass tensed and stiffened, his knuckles pushing the skin up into a bloodless white.

"I made him show me his phone, went through his chat records with his friends, and discovered he had even drugged me."

Xu Yan felt a chill of disgust: "Shit." He asked Li Ziyou, "What happened to you that night afterward?"

"Nothing really happened. I went back with my roommate, washed up and went to sleep, no reaction. I probably didn't drink the drugged wine." Li Ziyou seemed to remember something and asked Shen Zhi, "Shen Zhi, later did you hear about anyone feeling unwell..."

Before she could finish, there was a thud. Xu Yan turned his head and saw Shen Zhi's wine glass knock against the edge of the table and fall straight onto the carpet with a muffled sound. The red wine in the glass quickly drained out, spreading across the carpet and blooming into a dark ring.

Shen Zhi was clearly not the kind of person who was so careless he couldn't even hold a wine glass steady. Xu Yan looked up, somewhat startled—under the lights, in his line of sight, was a face utterly lost and bloodlessly pale.