48

Look, he's turned back into the calm, steady Lawyer Shen. Xu Yan thought.

He didn't speak. Shen Zhi held his arm and pulled him up. It had rained during the day, and the evening wind was a bit cool. Shen Zhi draped his jacket over Xu Yan's shoulders. Seeing that Xu Yan kept his head down and said nothing, and didn't resist, Shen Zhi carefully put an arm around Xu Yan's shoulder and led him toward the building.

"When did you get back from Beijing?" Xu Yan suddenly asked in the elevator.

"Just got off the plane and came over. Happened to run into you heading home."

Xu Yan only commented: "So busy."

"Mm, lots of things going on, got held up a few days." The elevator doors opened. Shen Zhi said, "We're here."

Xu Nian had miscalculated. Shen Zhi wasn't going to wave a hospital admission form in front of Xu Yan and play the sympathy card.

His head was getting dizzier. Xu Yan pulled out his key, poked at the keyhole for a long time without getting it in, getting so frustrated he almost started cursing. In the end, Shen Zhi, who hadn't spoken the whole time, took the key from his hand and opened the door.

The moment the door opened, Xu Yan broke free from Shen Zhi's embrace and stumbled into the bathroom, kneeling in front of the toilet and vomiting violently. He hadn't drunk heavily in a while, and today suddenly pouring that much down, he couldn't quite handle it. Shen Zhi came over and squatted beside him, patting his back, while reaching out to press the flush button. Xu Yan stared at the toilet with bloodshot eyes. The swirl of water carried away the filth — vomit it out, flush it, and it's clean.

Shen Zhi stood up, wrung out a towel, filled a cup with water for Xu Yan to rinse his mouth, then used a damp towel to wipe the corners of his mouth and face. Finally, he helped Xu Yan up: "Go rest in the room. I'll go boil some hot water."

Xu Yan was very obedient. His drunk behavior was excellent — he never caused trouble when drunk, never made a racket. Apart from slow reactions, everything else was easy and reassuring.

Seeing Xu Yan sit quietly on the bed, Shen Zhi turned on the air conditioning and went to the kitchen to boil water. The moment he left, Xu Yan fell backward, the room spinning. He felt the ceiling lights running around on the ceiling, which was annoying. Shen Zhi's jacket was pressing against his back. Xu Yan reached out and pulled it off, tossing it aside. Something dark fell from the suit's inner pocket and landed on his chest with a slap.

Xu Yan fumbled to pick it up. It was a wallet.

He remembered this wallet.

A black Montblanc folding leather wallet — about six years ago, he'd given it to Shen Zhi as a graduation gift. On the back, he'd specially had the counter emboss the letters: SZ.

He turned it over. Those two letters were still there, just not as clear as when it was new.

When he'd first given the wallet to Shen Zhi, Shen Zhi had paused and said bluntly: "I didn't get you a gift."

If he had, that would have been weird. Xu Yan hadn't expected one in the first place, but he pretended to think hard for a while and said: "As compensation, you replace your wallet right now."

Shen Zhi didn't refuse. He tossed his old wallet to Xu Yan: "Up to you." Xu Yan was surprised by how agreeable he was, and immediately transferred all the cards from the old wallet.

Later, Shen Zhi kept using this wallet. Xu Yan didn't know if he was too lazy to switch or too lazy to switch. Either way, looking at it now, the wallet was quite durable — good quality. Though it was noticeably old, there were no obvious signs of wear or cracks.

After turning it over and looking at it for a while, Xu Yan was about to put it back, but his thumb accidentally slipped into the fold of the leather wallet and pried it open. What jumped into view was a very conspicuous blue-background ID photo in the photo slot.

The young man in the photo had a smile at the corners of his eyes and mouth, his gaze bright as he looked at the camera — it was Xu Yan from his university days.

There was no need to guess how Shen Zhi had gotten this ID photo, because the edge of the photo had a quarter-circle of red stamp residue — Photography Association, with only half of the final character remaining on it.

So the photo had been torn off a certificate from the university Photography Association — once Xu Yan graduated, he'd moved into Shen Zhi's place, and all those messy volunteer certificates, blood donation certificates, and various other documents had been stuffed into his home.

Behind the ID photo was another photo. Xu Yan pulled it out and found it was himself wearing a graduation gown on the day they took graduation photos — a profile shot, holding a bouquet, smiling. The focus wasn't quite right, the image was a bit blurry, and there was even half a passerby's head in the lower right corner. From a photographer's perspective, the photo must have been taken in a hurry.

He and Shen Zhi were in different departments, so their graduation photo days weren't on the same day. On the day Xu Yan took his photos, Shen Zhi had to go to the company for a meeting, and when Shen Zhi took his photos, Xu Yan was on a business trip with his boss. The two of them just happened to miss each other. Xu Yan had sighed countless times about how he never got to personally use his DSLR to take Shen Zhi's graduation photo.

There was no explaining how this profile photo had come to be — whether it was taken by Shen Zhi, who was supposedly in a meeting that day, or whether someone else took it and it just happened to end up in Shen Zhi's hands. Either way, it had been developed, cut to a suitable size, and placed in Shen Zhi's wallet.

The transparent film had slight raised marks where the photo edges pushed against it. On the inside, the leather covered by the photo was darker and newer than the surrounding area, proving they had been inside for quite some time.

During this time, Xu Yan's consciousness gradually became clearer, then gradually became muddled again. He thought a long time had passed, but in reality it was less than five minutes. Just as he put the photos back in the wallet as they were, and put the wallet back in Shen Zhi's jacket, the door was pushed open. Shen Zhi came in carrying a glass bowl with peeled tangerines and sliced pear pieces.

"Have some fruit first."

Shen Zhi walked over and knelt on one knee in front of the bed. Xu Yan's pupils followed his movement. A segment of tangerine was brought to his lips, but Xu Yan didn't open his mouth. Shen Zhi switched to a piece of pear, but Xu Yan still didn't open his mouth.

He looked at Xu Yan for a while and asked: "Want something else?"

Xu Yan didn't speak. He raised his hand to rub his eyes, but before he'd rubbed twice, his hand was pulled away by Shen Zhi. Xu Yan blinked hard with his right eye and mumbled: "Itchy."

Shen Zhi reached out and covered his right eye, rubbing it very slowly and gently with his fingertip. His other hand was still holding Xu Yan's hand, wanting to grip it tighter, but afraid Xu Yan would react and pull his hand away, so he just held it loosely, without force.

"Better?" Shen Zhi removed his hand and asked.

Xu Yan slowly opened his eyes. His right eye was a bit red, but it didn't itch anymore. He said: "I want tangerines."

A sweet-and-sour segment of tangerine was fed into his mouth. Xu Yan chewed a few times and asked a question that should have been asked from the start but was actually pointless to ask: "What are you here for?"

Shen Zhi stared at Xu Yan's hand in his palm: "To see you."

"We just saw each other last week."

"Not enough." Shen Zhi, as if he'd made up his mind, slowly tightened his grip on Xu Yan's hand. "I want to see you every day."

Xu Yan looked at the lamp in a daze, gave a tipsy hum of laughter: "You might not have experience, but one of the basic qualities of being a backup is to be content with what you have."

Shen Zhi's breath hitched. He didn't know whether to be delighted that Xu Yan was allowing him to be a substitute, or to feel sorrow at the word "backup." After all, it was something he'd proposed himself. At the moment of his mental breakdown, his only thought was that he couldn't lose Xu Yan, so even existing in such an identity was acceptable.

Only after sobering up did Shen Zhi realize he was completely insatiable.

But after finally waiting for Xu Yan to relent and allow him to take a step closer, even if it meant hardship and heartache, it was all deserved.

Shen Zhi lifted Xu Yan's hand, pressed his palm against his own cheek, and gently nuzzled it a few times. He looked at Xu Yan without looking away: "Then give me a little sweetness, let me learn to be content."

Xu Yan turned his head. His fingers moved slightly, his fingertips sliding slowly along Shen Zhi's jaw, and finally he hooked Shen Zhi's chin and lifted his face slightly. After studying him carefully for a long time, Xu Yan said: "You know, back then I was taken with your face."

"So I'd suggest you take better care of it. Keep it healthy, keep it presentable."

Shen Zhi froze for a few seconds. He stared into Xu Yan's eyes, and finally couldn't help but take a deep breath. Something rose up in his chest, impossible to suppress. He suddenly gripped Xu Yan's wrist, realizing he was utterly insatiable — Xu Yan had finally given him scraps, and he wanted more instead. He wanted Xu Yan to touch his face more, wanted Xu Yan to say openly "I worry about you," wanted Xu Yan to keep looking at him even after sobering up...

He wanted Xu Yan to love him again.

It was very quiet. Xu Yan didn't avoid Shen Zhi's gaze, his expression still not quite clear. Shen Zhi's Adam's apple bobbed, and he leaned down toward him. Very close now, he could see Xu Yan's long eyelashes. Those eyes were still dazed, but also bright.

His lips were about to brush the corner of Xu Yan's mouth — the phone rang suddenly. Xu Yan flinched as if startled, seeming to come back to himself a bit. He turned his face away, reached into his pocket, and pulled out his phone.

Shen Zhi glanced at the caller — Yu Xue. Just two characters, dousing all hope, ruthlessly shattering the fantasy. Bitterness surged from the root of his tongue. Shen Zhi bit the tip of his tongue, feeling he was the one who'd been drunk and then sobered up, and that his drunkenness had been so brief — just two minutes — not enough to treasure, not enough to have a rare beautiful dream. He stood up: "I'll go get some hot water."

Xu Yan didn't look at him and answered the phone: "Hello?"

Yu Xue was finally being normal today: "What are you doing? I've been on set for a week, you know."

"I heard." Xu Yan smiled. Knowing she was tired from filming, he softened his voice, making it sound especially gentle. "We'll be able to see each other soon enough."

When he said this, Shen Zhi had just walked out and closed the door. Through the crack in the door, he heard Xu Yan's voice, carrying a soothing, comforting tone — almost the same as three years ago, just given to someone else. Shen Zhi had thought he'd already accepted and could face reality. Apparently not. Apparently he couldn't.

Yu Xue laughed on the other end: "You mean the next cover shoot? It is coming up soon."

"Right. I heard the island is private, no one knows what it's like inside. I'll go check it out next week first."

"Mm." Yu Xue responded. "It's Lin Yan's. He never let anyone take photos on the island before."

"So it's President Lin's... no wonder no one knows what it looks like, not even photos."

"Nothing special. There's a sunroom on it, with flowers planted inside. Someone goes regularly to tend to them." Yu Xue said.

Xu Yan asked: "What kind of flowers? Let me see if any can be used for the set."

"Lilac Flower." Yu Xue seemed almost asleep, her tone light enough to float away, but Xu Yan felt she was more likely lost in some memory. She said, "Only Lilac Flower."

"Okay, got it." Xu Yan said. "You must be tired. Once you're done for the day, rest early."

"Okay~"

After hanging up, Xu Yan closed his eyes. When he'd said "shoot" and "photo" earlier, his mind had actually been full of the two photos in Shen Zhi's wallet. He seemed to see himself from a long time ago — eyes full of light, eager and sincere — and also the Shen Zhi of the past, cold and impatient. They stood facing each other, completely mismatched, very incongruous, and that process had lasted for a full four years.

He didn't want to experience that kind of feeling again for even a second, so he could only keep Shen Zhi at arm's length. People always had to seek advantage and avoid harm.

The door was pushed open. Shen Zhi came in with a cup of hot water. Seeing Xu Yan with his eyes closed, he thought he was asleep. He put the cup on the bedside table, sat on the edge of the bed, and pressed the back of his hand against Xu Yan's flushed face. Xu Yan frowned and mumbled. Shen Zhi felt unreasonably that it would be better if Xu Yan stayed drunk.

"Thirsty?" He tried asking softly.

Xu Yan slowly lifted his eyelids. After a long pause, he responded with a sluggish "Oh." He propped himself up on his elbow, raised his upper body, tilted his chin up slightly, and opened his mouth. Shen Zhi brought the cup over. Xu Yan tilted his head back. He hadn't felt thirsty before, but once he touched the water, he seemed especially thirsty. He was a bit eager, leaning forward, his lips closing around the rim of the cup, his Adam's apple bobbing, his throat making gurgling swallowing sounds. The cup tilted up slowly. Shen Zhi watched Xu Yan the whole time, reaching out to wipe away the water that had spilled at the corner of his mouth.

After drinking, Xu Yan licked his lips, closed his eyes, and fell back onto the bed.

"Want more?" Shen Zhi asked.

Xu Yan shook his head.

"Take a shower?"

Xu Yan shook his head again: "You go. I'll shower when I sober up later."

After saying this, he turned over, hugged the pillow, and was about to sleep. Shen Zhi watched him for a while, wanting to touch his hair, but ultimately didn't. He pulled a thin blanket over Xu Yan, stood up, walked to the door, turned off the light, and closed the door.

Passing through the living room, Shen Zhi turned his head to look at that sofa, lost in thought.