50

"How did you—"

Xu Yan had barely opened his mouth when Shen Zhi lowered his head and opened the transparent bag in his hand, took out the dry suit jacket inside, walked two steps to drape it over him, then immediately pulled out a bag of McDonald's, still hot, and handed it to Xu Yan.

"I was in too much of a rush coming over. Only had time to grab this." Shen Zhi wiped the rainwater that had rolled to his chin and said hurriedly, "Eat something first."

Xu Yan had come straight from a shoot and hadn't eaten lunch yet — his stomach was empty. He reached into his trouser pocket, wanting to get a tissue to wipe Shen Zhi's face, but the tissues seemed to be in his backpack. Xu Yan said, "Over there, there are chairs."

The two sat down at a table. Xu Yan still hadn't quite recovered. He handed Shen Zhi the napkins from the McDonald's bag. "Wipe your face."

Shen Zhi took the napkins, but didn't wipe his face right away. Instead, he took out a bottle of mineral water from the bag, unscrewed it, and set it in front of Xu Yan.

Xu Yan didn't eat either. He pulled more napkins from his bag and piled them in front of Shen Zhi. "Wipe up, quick."

"Okay."

He really was hungry. Xu Yan took a few bites of the burger and swallowed. "How did you get here?"

"Speedboat."

"Doesn't that require—" Xu Yan started to say that operating one needed a license, then suddenly remembered that Lawyer Shen had gotten his yacht license back when he was still President Shen, not yet Lawyer Shen. He just didn't know whether President Shen's yacht had been sold by now.

Xu Yan said, "Driving here in rain that heavy is dangerous."

"It only started raining halfway."

"Just back from a business trip?" Xu Yan guessed as much — after all, Shen Zhi hadn't shown up for nearly a week, and by all logic he must have been on a trip. Xu Yan had even figured out the pattern.

"Mm."

"Get more rest when you have time. Spending it on me isn't necessary." Xu Yan said.

"It is necessary. You're important." Shen Zhi clearly didn't want to discuss this. He changed the subject. "Eat up."

Xu Yan fell silent and focused on eating. The storm was still going. After he finished, he tidied up the wrappers. They sat under a tree, very dark. Xu Yan glanced at Shen Zhi, then turned to rummage through his backpack and finally found a towel at the very bottom.

"Dry your hair." Xu Yan handed him the towel, then took off his own suit jacket. "Take off your shirt, put this on."

Shen Zhi took the towel and dried his hair. "I'm fine, it's not cold. The temperature dropped — you wear it."

"Don't you think what you're saying is contradictory?" Xu Yan asked him.

Contradictory or not, Shen Zhi didn't know. He only felt dizzy, shivering in waves, his head seeming hot at the same time. This project had a tight timeline; he'd pulled several all-nighters, sleeping less than four hours a day in total, and now he'd been caught in the rain. He figured he probably had a bit of a fever.

Realizing this, Shen Zhi was suddenly overcome with exhaustion. He shifted his chair closer to Xu Yan. The moment the distance between them closed, Shen Zhi felt as if he might dissolve from the fatigue. He took Xu Yan's hand and slid his own fingers, one by one, slowly into the spaces between Xu Yan's. In the end their fingers were laced together tight. Shen Zhi lowered his head, resting it against Xu Yan's shoulder, and said softly, "Don't let go. Let me hold on for a bit."

"Just five minutes," he added.

Xu Yan sensed something was off, but the light was too dim to make out Shen Zhi's complexion. He draped the jacket over Shen Zhi with one hand, thinking — forget it, that McDonald's meal was probably sixty yuan, and Shen Zhi had braved the heavy rain to deliver it, plus nine yuan for delivery. A meal softens the tongue.

"If you're tired, go home and rest. Why come all this way." Xu Yan said.

Shen Zhi kept his eyes closed, mentally counting down the five minutes for real, but Xu Yan's question interrupted the count. Shen Zhi answered somewhat off-topic: "It's thundering."

"I'm not afraid of thunder." Xu Yan wasn't being stubborn — he really wasn't afraid.

"I am." Shen Zhi said.

Then Xu Yan suddenly remembered — back when they lived together, one night there had also been a heavy storm with thunder, very loud. Shen Zhi had been in the study at the time, but less than half a minute later he was back in the bedroom. Xu Yan had been reading and asked him what was wrong. Shen Zhi said nothing, just got straight into bed. When Xu Yan asked again what was going on, Shen Zhi took the book from his hands, closed it, set it aside, and said, "Time to sleep." Leaving Xu Yan completely baffled.

Looking at it now… maybe he really was afraid. Xu Yan even suspected that the urgency of Shen Zhi's knocking earlier had been because of the thunder.

Once the past came back to him — Xu Yan looked down at Shen Zhi's right hand and asked, "How's your hand doing?"

Whether he'd been keeping up with his follow-up acupuncture, whether he'd been careful to avoid lifting heavy things, whether it still hurt on rainy days.

Shen Zhi's fingers moved slightly; his wrist ached sharply. He was silent for a few seconds, then said, "It's fine. It's nothing."

Another clap of thunder — three minutes left, Shen Zhi thought. His head was growing dizzier. He wanted to start a topic to keep himself awake, but suddenly heard Xu Yan ask him, "Didn't you want to study law a long time ago?"

Xu Yan knew what kind of person Shen Zhi was — he certainly wasn't the type to act on a whim or have a three-minute burst of enthusiasm. A few years ago, when Shen Zhi had left the Company, Xu Yan had assumed he was planning to start his own business, or something along those lines. He hadn't expected him to enter an entirely new field and become a lawyer. It proved Shen Zhi had harbored this idea long ago, yet Xu Yan had been completely in the dark the whole time.

"Yes."

Xu Yan said lightly, "I never heard you mention it."

What was there to say? Shen Zhi thought about it seriously. In his junior year of college, he'd secretly prepared for the LSAT behind his parents' back, intending to apply for a JD program. But at the end of that year, he and Xu Yan had gotten together. If he actually got in, it would mean years of long-distance life between them. The moment Shen Zhi decided to pursue a relationship with Xu Yan, he decisively gave up that path. Instead, he applied to several law schools' summer programs. If he could secure a guaranteed graduate placement, even if they weren't in the same city, he could transfer back during his internship — not a big problem.

Whether going abroad or to another city, Shen Zhi was unwilling to picture Xu Yan giving something up or following him somewhere just to be with him. He was the one who'd proposed they try first — he couldn't just charge ahead for himself and make no plans for their relationship.

But after receiving a few summer program acceptance notices, Shen Zhi then received an email. Inside were several photos of him and Xu Yan — the two of them sitting in a car, Xu Yan leaning in to kiss him — along with all of Xu Yan's private information, including family members and his family's Company. The text, data, and photos were laid out in such detail that they were a hundred times more thorough than what Shen Zhi himself knew about Xu Yan.

Shen Zhi went home that very day. The family sat on opposite sides in a cold, negotiating posture. Meng Yuwan laid out her demands — give up studying law, join the Company immediately after graduation. If Shen Zhi could do that, they would temporarily not interfere with his relationship, let him 'play around' as he wished, but on the condition that it stay private, not made known throughout their social circle.

Shen Zhi compromised for the time being. He'd always been the type to weigh pros and cons quickly and make a decision — the only time he'd ever hesitated was when Xu Yan confessed to him. As for studying law, he hadn't held out much hope to begin with; the family would find out eventually. He'd just wanted to try his best. Now that he had an additional vulnerability, Shen Zhi cleanly stopped, postponing it until after graduation. At the same time, he and his family fell into a cold war.

Approaching graduation, the two had been together for over a year. If this relationship was to continue — Shen Zhi went home again and promised he had given up completely, that he would settle into working at the Company. At that point, he felt no regret. People always had to make trade-offs.

He admitted that many of his choices had been about Xu Yan, without Xu Yan's knowledge. But that was all in the past, and even so, the harm he'd caused Xu Yan over those four years was real — he'd mapped out his direction, but failed to meet even the passing mark in their relationship, letting Xu Yan suffer too much grievance.

So this alone was nowhere near enough to make up for it. Bringing it up now was unnecessary — it would just look like playing the victim or currying favor. Since he hadn't said it before, he certainly wouldn't now. Shen Zhi understood that what he most needed to do was love Xu Yan earnestly in the present and treat him well. That was all.

"My family didn't agree back then, so I didn't think about it." Shen Zhi lowered his eyes. "After I left the Company, I still wanted to do what I liked."

"Why didn't you take the entrance exam for your own school? It's a 985 university, at least — sounds impressive." Xu Yan paused, then added, "Not that your current school is bad, just asking."

Shen Zhi pressed his lips together, omitting certain unspeakable reasons, and simply answered, "My current school is also very good, from the standpoint of the law program itself. A professor there was a former student of my maternal grandfather — a senior I have a good relationship with. I exchanged a lot with him while preparing for the exams, and in the end I decided to apply there. He's my advisor now."

Xu Yan nodded. "That's solid, then."

Had the five minutes passed? Shen Zhi wondered, but he didn't want to let go of Xu Yan's hand — not at all. Xu Yan had finally softened a little, willing to sit with him like this, even if in these circumstances there might be a sense of being compelled… Shen Zhi was very afraid there wouldn't be another chance like this in the future.

"Xu Yan." He called him softly. "I'm sorry."

He felt Xu Yan's fingers tighten in his palm, and then go slack — Xu Yan had pulled his hand away.

Shen Zhi slowly sat up straight and turned to look at Xu Yan. "I want to apologize to you properly. Whether it's a personality flaw or not, even if you think I was getting back at you before, it doesn't matter — because it really was all my fault."

"The misunderstandings I had about you, the cold violence, making you sad, making you feel wronged, making you feel unsafe, making you go through so much — all of it was my fault alone. I'm sorry."

"Stop." Xu Yan's voice trembled slightly, clearly audible even over the wind howling outside.

That wall of his, so solid it could stand unmoved even when Shen Zhi lost control — Xu Yan couldn't understand why it would be shaken by these few unprompted words of apology. Perhaps Shen Zhi's 'I'm sorry' was too sincere. Not cried out when the truth came out, not spoken with pain when old matters were raised — they came without cause, and yet sounded heavier than any previous time.

"Xu Yan." His head was heavy and dizzy. Shen Zhi closed his eyes briefly. "Those years we were together — you had it hard."

"If I hadn't misunderstood you, things might not have been like that back then." Shen Zhi gave a small, solitary smile. "But these past three years you've been doing well. I'm happy for you."

"I've thought about it — after we broke up, you were doing even better. I hoped you'd always be that well…" His voice dropped. "But I can't help it. I keep thinking whether I could get a little closer to you again. I'm sorry."

Xu Yan frowned and turned his head away. He found he couldn't see clearly. He blinked, then realized he was crying.

Shen Zhi's regret, Shen Zhi's apology — they crushed not only himself but Xu Yan as well. Xu Yan had always believed everything was in the past. He could bring up old matters without changing expression, and he could look at Shen Zhi coldly, because he'd long since lost heart. He only wanted to cut ties cleanly and never see him again.

But at this moment Xu Yan realized that such confession still had the power to wound him. The longer he held out, the more miserably he would collapse at this point. Some things are conserved — they can't be resisted, like today's bad weather.

"It's a good thing." Xu Yan drew a breath, doing his best to keep his tone steady. "We're both doing what we like now. It proves we really weren't suited for each other — separating was better."

Shen Zhi looked at the tabletop and shook his head gently. "I'm not doing well. Not at all."

"If carrying guilt makes you feel that bad." Xu Yan surreptitiously wiped his tears. "Then I'll say it — I forgive you."

The rain outside had lessened. Shen Zhi turned his head and stared at him, dazed.

"I forgive you." Xu Yan said again.

He hadn't wanted an amicable parting before, and so he'd gotten exactly what he wished for — a thoroughly painful ending. People had to grow up, even if it was starting at twenty-four — that was fine, Xu Yan thought. He should learn to make peace with his younger self. The love he'd given wasn't wrong. Even if it hadn't been treasured, even if it hadn't been reciprocated, he couldn't deny it on that account. That love itself was innocent.

If Shen Zhi wanted relief, if a sincere word of forgiveness could make him feel even slightly better, then Xu Yan would give it to him.

"Everything else aside — if you can't accept being strangers." Xu Yan spoke up immediately after. "We can be ordinary friends. Nothing more."

Shen Zhi was still stunned, completely unable to speak. Ordinary friends… ordinary friends. That was fine too — at least better than strangers. It proved Xu Yan was willing to accept him a little. That was good.

But 'everything else aside' and 'nothing more' were like a basin of cold water poured over him. Shen Zhi felt his heart tossed up and down, like a drifting balloon that couldn't land — a swelling excitement laced with loss. He knew he should be content, but how could he be so greedy, still wanting to ask Xu Yan for a little more, just a little more.

Everything went quiet. The rain had stopped. Xu Yan stood up. "Let's go." The dark clouds had passed and the light was a little brighter. At a glance he noticed an unhealthy flush on Shen Zhi's face. "Do you have a fever?"

"No…" Shen Zhi shook his head, pressed his hand against the back of the chair and stood up. After a brief silence, he suddenly reached out and hugged Xu Yan.

"Thank you for forgiving me." His voice was hoarse.

The waves weren't big. They each drove back to the dock. At the parking lot, Xu Yan noticed Shen Zhi keeping his head lowered, looked at him more closely, and saw a streak of blood on his left ring finger — cut by something, he didn't know what.

"Wait." Xu Yan called out to him, found a band-aid in his bag. "Hold your hand up."

Shen Zhi's white shirt was half wet, half dry; so was his hair. His lips were a little pale. He raised both hands in confusion. Xu Yan bent his head to apply the band-aid and asked again, "You really don't have a fever?"

"No, I'm fine." Shen Zhi stared at the band-aid. After a long moment, he looked up. "Drive carefully. Take a hot shower when you get home — don't catch a cold."

"You too." Xu Yan turned and got in the car, driving off without looking back.

Shen Zhi stood in place, pinched the bridge of his nose, and forced himself to get into the driver's seat.

Two hours later, Lan Qiuchen came downstairs to the infusion hall and sat beside Shen Zhi. "Out of 365 days a year, you're sick for 360 of them, aren't you."

Shen Zhi didn't answer. His gaze dropped to his own ring finger.

"What happened to your hand?" Lan Qiuchen asked.

"I don't know." Shen Zhi said. "I didn't even notice I was hurt. He put the band-aid on for me." He looked up, as if his brain had shorted out, and asked an absurd question: "Does it look like a ring to you?"

"…" Lan Qiuchen was speechless. "Let me disinfect it and put on a new one."

Shen Zhi shook his head, turning his palm over and over — in any case, he kept looking at the band-aid. When he showered, he held his left hand up the entire time, and even got his hair washed at a barbershop on purpose, successfully protecting the band-aid to perfection.

"He said he forgave me." Shen Zhi's voice was very low. "He's really so good."

He'd been so dizzy before, muddled the whole time, his mind not online. Only now had he come back to himself a little. The layer of paper in his head tore with a ripping sound, and he finally clearly recalled what exactly Xu Yan had said.

He had been forgiven.

But this forgiveness brought Shen Zhi no relief at all, no sense of a burden lifted — only a deeper, more intense guilt toward Xu Yan. Xu Yan was so good. Shen Zhi wanted to take out every bit of love inside him, from the inside out, and hand it all to Xu Yan. How he wished he would accept it.

Lan Qiuchen was startled, happy for Shen Zhi, but couldn't resist teasing him: "Then why didn't you let him know you had a fever and bring him to the Hospital with you? What a perfect opportunity."

"Being sick is my own business. Using it to fish for sympathy is unnecessary." Shen Zhi blinked very slowly. "He's very busy with work, and he was so tired today. He should have gone home to rest early."

Lan Qiuchen: "…Let me change the band-aid for you."

"No."

"…" Lan Qiuchen patted his shoulder. "When you're done with the IV, come upstairs. I'll arrange some tests for you — otherwise you're so busy I can never pin you down."

"Okay."

Lan Qiuchen stood up. As she walked out of the hall, she glanced back — Shen Zhi was still looking at the band-aid on his hand, very intently.