Chapter 55

When Shen Zhi woke, the room was dark. He was about to reach for the remote when someone pushed the curtains aside; they slid open on their own. Light poured in. Shen Zhi buried his face in the pillow, and only after a while did he raise his head—his expression went blank, his gaze drifted, and he stared dully at Xu Yan carrying a glass of warm milk to the bedside and sitting down.

He stayed in that raised-head posture, beginning to suspect that last night might not have been a dream, that it was real—no, no need to doubt, it really wasn't a dream, it really happened, and that was why Xu Yan was here this morning.

"Get up and wash up. Drink the milk after." Xu Yan said.

Shen Zhi was still dazed, unmoving. Xu Yan waited with considerable patience. A long time passed before Shen Zhi finally sat up, his voice hoarse as he began: "You..."

He had dreamed this scene countless times—whether before sleep or after waking, Xu Yan was by his side. But only this time was the sense of reality so strong it could not be questioned.

Xu Yan set the milk on the nightstand: "Why are you looking at me like that? Never seen me before?"

Shen Zhi shook his head and asked softly: "Why... did you come." Why had he come last night, and why had he stayed.

"What else could it be? To see you."

Actually, whatever Xu Yan's real reason for visiting, it didn't matter. Shen Zhi smiled with reddened eyes and reached to hug him. Xu Yan sat there, didn't dodge.

The instant their bodies touched, Shen Zhi felt no physical sensation at all—he hadn't hugged Xu Yan, only gathered a holdful of air—Xu Yan had vanished. Shen Zhi fell weightlessly toward the floor, but he simply closed his eyes calmly.

Thud—hitting the ground, Shen Zhi opened his eyes. The room was dim, and he was alone.

He was used to it.

Shen Zhi was used to it—used to seeing Xu Yan in dreams, then losing him at the last moment. No matter how real a dream was, it was still a dream; it always had to end. He was long familiar with this kind of fall.

But the period after waking was always very hard to endure. Shen Zhi pressed his dull-aching chest, caught his breath, and slowly sat up.

He still vaguely remembered last night's dream—he had dreamed Xu Yan crying, looking so sad. Shen Zhi thought: fortunately it was only a dream—he didn't want to see Xu Yan that heartbroken. But at the same time he regretted it: the dream-version of himself could say happy birthday to Xu Yan face to face, but in reality he couldn't.

After washing up he went to the walk-in closet. Xu Yan's wardrobe was still open. Shen Zhi bent down, picked up the gray hoodie he had held in his arms last night, slipped it onto a hanger, hung it up, then moved the clothes that had been pushed to the other end back to their original places one by one. He stood there looking for a long while, then finally closed the wardrobe door.

He came out of the closet, pulled open the curtains and stepped onto the terrace. The wine bottles on the table were askew, looking messy and disheveled, like him. There was no sun this morning; the wind blew past, gloomy and stifling.

Another new day, with nothing to look forward to.

Xu Yan was off today. He had left Shen Zhi's place just past one in the morning. Shen Zhi had fallen asleep right after saying happy birthday, and Xu Yan didn't know why he had still sat by his bed for another hour.

He slept past three in the morning, woke at eleven noon. After getting up, Xu Yan went to his parents' house for lunch.

"Ge, why are your eyes so swollen?" Xu Yan was drinking soup when Xu Nian leaned over and asked.

"...Didn't sleep well." Xu Yan said.

"What's the matter? Something on your mind?" Xu Nian glanced at him sideways. "You've been working non-stop for so long, finally got a day off, and you still can't sleep well? How can that be."

Xu Yan: "Can you not go looking for a beating on my birthday, please."

Xu Nian slowly sat up straight, silent for three seconds, then opened his mouth and shouted: "Mom—! Ge is going to hit me!"

After resting half the day, in the evening Xu Yan went to the Company to handle some things. Once finished, he was going to a bar—Ji Huai and the others were throwing him a birthday.

Xu Nian got in the car with him, chattering the whole way; Xu Yan let his words go in one ear and out the other. Last night had drained him too much. He hadn't cried this hard in years; his whole body felt on the verge of collapse.

"What's going on, ge, what happened?" Xu Nian babbled on his own for a while without getting any response, then snapped his fingers by Xu Yan's ear. "You're definitely not just not sleeping well. What happened?"

Xu Yan stared at the road ahead and said very calmly: "I think I might have to disappoint you."

Xu Nian froze, sucked in a sharp breath: "You're going to be the 1?"

"..." Xu Yan couldn't be bothered to reply, but because he'd only said half, Xu Nian was in agony, scratching his ears and fidgeting as if sitting on needles, constantly asking 'ge what do you mean finish your sentence don't be ungrateful or I'll kneel down and beg you right now'.

This scene felt familiar—in high school, boarding, one night Xu Yan secretly played on his phone and sent Xu Nian a message: I'm going to tell you something.

Xu Nian, also secretly playing on his phone in the sophomore dorm, replied instantly: What what what!

Xu Yan: Never mind, forget it.

Then no matter how Xu Nian bombarded him with messages, he didn't reply. So at eleven at night, Xu Nian, in pajamas, climbed down from the third floor along the water pipe, then climbed up to the second-floor balcony of the senior dorm along the water pipe, crossing mountains and rivers just to get to Xu Yan's pillow and ask him in person: "Tell me quick, what is it?!"

Xu Yan stared at his didi in the dark for a few seconds, then decisively called the dorm supervisor to send Xu Nian back to the sophomore dorm. Xu Nian, being carried off by security, kept turning back and shouting: "What is it, ahhhhhh!!!"

At the Company building, Xu Nian was still asking what what what. Xu Yan tossed off a "wait in the car" and opened the door to leave. Xu Nian wouldn't have it, cursed furiously, and quickly followed him out.

He stuck to Xu Yan like a conjoined twin, muttering tell me tell me quick quick. Xu Yan looked at his phone while walking forward. Lu Sen said he happened to be at the Company too; they'd go to the bar together later.

Suddenly Xu Nian stopped talking, quiet for two seconds, then said softly: "Oh yo, is that a model from your Company? That figure really..."

His voice strangely cut off the moment the person walking toward them raised his head. Xu Yan, curious, raised his head too, and at first glance almost didn't recognize the other.

Shen Zhi wasn't wearing a suit, just a white T-shirt and a pair of black-framed glasses, his hair casually draped over his forehead. The glasses on their own looked a bit plain and heavy, but perched on his nose bridge they looked high-end. For a moment Xu Yan thought he was seeing college-era Shen Zhi.

Xu Yan had seen his tear-streaked sleeping face just past midnight; less than a day later, Shen Zhi had recovered as usual, looking flawless. No one knew how many times this kind of breakdown and self-healing had cycled through him.

He had treated last night as a dream—Xu Yan knew, because Shen Zhi had once said, "I don't want to see you crying even in my dreams."

Shen Zhi hadn't worked today. He'd gone to Lan Qiuchen's private clinic in the afternoon, and was now stopping by to pick up stamped documents for a colleague. He knew Xu Yan was off today, so he hadn't hoped to run into him—but even if Xu Yan were at the Company, Shen Zhi had no intention of doing anything; he clearly knew he shouldn't see Xu Yan again.

Their eyes met. Shen Zhi was the first to look away.

Though they had only met eyes for a moment, Shen Zhi noticed Xu Yan didn't seem well, looked listless. He wanted to say the words from yesterday's dream to Xu Yan in person: take care of yourself, rest more, eat on time.

But he could only stay silent.

It was Xu Nian instead—after all, Yixin Law Firm had a long-term working relationship with them; setting other things aside, the professional rapport absolutely had to be maintained, especially since Shen Zhi's attitude toward their Company business was plain for all to see. So Xu Nian took the initiative to greet him: "Attorney Shen, what a coincidence."

Shen Zhi looked at him and nodded: "President Xu."

The brief greetings over, the three passed each other. After entering the Company, Xu Nian said: "Actually, every time he calls me President Xu, I feel a lot of pressure. Other people call me that and I don't feel this way at all."

Xu Yan didn't speak. Xu Nian stared blankly for a while, then suddenly exclaimed in shock: "Ge, the thing you said about disappointing me—could it be..."

Before he could finish, he immediately denied himself: "No no no, definitely not. You two don't look like people about to get back together at all."

Xu Yan stayed silent, but he genuinely loved watching Xu Nian perform his one-man show.

Going upstairs, Xu Nian ran off to find Lu Sen. Xu Yan went to the photography studio, then back to the office to sort things—birthday gifts from brands and celebrity studios, many of which had already arrived in dribs and drabs.

His head was a bit muddled. Xu Yan walked to the floor-to-ceiling window and lit a cigarette. Looking down, he saw Shen Zhi hadn't left yet, standing by the car on a call. He could see the hem of Shen Zhi's T-shirt lifted slightly by the evening breeze, the sunset light spreading softly at his feet, like sunlight on a tree growing in summer.

Shen Zhi stood there, tall and slender, but what Xu Yan thought of was his curled-up form in the wardrobe.

Xu Yan felt Shen Zhi was like a lone goose, trapped in the forest of the past, having tried every cold branch but refusing to perch.

The relationship between people was actually very simple, and very cruel—as long as one person never again cast a glance, the other would eventually give up, and both would head toward a future with no intersection. The Xu Yan of before last night had decided this, and Shen Zhi, who had cried "I won't bother you," should have made a similar decision.

But no one could estimate how long Shen Zhi would go on like this, including Shen Zhi himself.

Up to this point, Xu Yan could no longer doubt Shen Zhi's feelings, but what made him hesitate was whether those feelings, like all the untouched details in Shen Zhi's home, remained stuck in the stale past—whether they could still generate new love between them.

What if they repeated the same mistakes? What if old patterns returned? What if he couldn't return to the state of loving Shen Zhi? Xu Yan hated unequal feelings most of all; he had too many concerns, and couldn't bear another failure.

But following every side path back to the starting point, at the end, the problem turned out to be only one—were you willing to try.

Willing to give Shen Zhi a chance, and to give yourself one too.

After Xu Yan quietly finished his cigarette, Shen Zhi's call ended. He lowered his hand, his head dropping too, looking very tired. After a while, Shen Zhi raised his hand to look at his phone, as if hesitating, then tapped the screen a few times.

Within two seconds, Xu Yan's phone buzzed—a text from an unknown number: Happy birthday, take care of yourself.

Xu Yan called back directly.

He put the phone to his ear and watched Shen Zhi freeze when the call came in, then instinctively turn to look behind him, but there was nothing there, so Shen Zhi looked up at the Company building. But the glass was one-way; Xu Yan stood by the window, motionless.

Ten seconds later, Shen Zhi picked up.

He didn't speak. Xu Yan could hear his breathing, suppressed, but still a little rapid.

"What do you mean sending me the Storage Card and USB drive?" Xu Yan asked him.

"I think there are a lot of photos inside, ones you took. They should be returned to you." Shen Zhi's voice was a little hoarse. He had originally wanted to apologize, but Xu Yan had told him not to say sorry anymore. So he said, "A few years ago you asked me to find it. Actually I found it, but at that time..."

At that time he hadn't expected everything later to develop like that, hadn't expected Xu Yan to completely cut ties with him and go abroad.

"Later you went abroad. I never had a chance to give it to you." Shen Zhi said.

"It's too late now. I don't need it."

"Then can..."

Wind picked up outside, and Shen Zhi's second half was blown away. Xu Yan asked him: "What?"

"Can you give it to me." Shen Zhi paused. "If you don't want it."

Xu Yan felt his chest tight, unable to breathe. He could already imagine: if he really gave those Storage Cards to Shen Zhi, Shen Zhi would definitely take them back and put them in the original desk drawer.

Like everything in that house abandoned by him three years ago, Shen Zhi had preserved all of it intact, maintained as before, living self-punishingly day and night in the most familiar scene, while the other person would never return.

What's the point, isn't it tiring. Xu Yan wanted to ask him this, but thinking further back, his own reckless years could probably only be summed up by those six words.

"What would you do with it?" Xu Yan asked. "Do you have some habit of collecting old things?"

Shen Zhi looked at the ground. In the sunset, his shadow stretched into a very long line. He knew this was probably the last phone call between him and Xu Yan; he should have felt sad, but being able to receive this call at all was an unexpected joy.

He smiled a little and said: "Maybe a little."

"Okay." Xu Yan answered. "Then I'll think about it."

A few seconds of silence; the sound of wind came through the phone.

Finally, Shen Zhi said: "Xu Yan, happy birthday."

Xu Yan gave an "mm": "Thanks."