Chapter 61

'My car's fixed, I drove over to show you.' Pulling into the garage, Xu Yan got out. He'd deliberately tousled his hair across his forehead to partly cover his reddened eyes. He pointed at the front of the car. 'See? Not a trace.'

Shen Zhi bent down to look at the headlights, nodded. 'Mm.' Then asked Xu Yan, 'Have you eaten dinner?'

'No. Will you cook for me?'

'What do you want to eat?'

After Shen Zhi finished speaking, he paused, reached to brush Xu Yan's hair aside, but Xu Yan hugged him first, head lowered: 'Just make something simple. I'm really tired today, so tired.'

'I should have come to pick you up, or gone to your place.' Shen Zhi said.

'I wanted to come here.' Xu Yan's eyes were stinging unbearably. He said, 'I'll shower first. The filming location was a mess today, my face is covered in dust.'

But Shen Zhi held him a little tighter. Xu Yan stroked his back and asked, 'What's wrong?'

'Every time you suddenly appear.' Shen Zhi said quietly, 'I feel like I'm dreaming.'

Xu Yan's throat tightened. He blinked hard, barely managing to hold back his tears. He took a breath and asked, jokingly, 'So is this a good dream or a nightmare?'

'The best dream.' Shen Zhi answered.

After showering, Xu Yan pressed a hot towel over his eyes for five minutes, until he looked more or less presentable before going out. He tossed his clothes in the washing machine and went downstairs. Shen Zhi was just bringing dishes to the table—two dishes, a soup, a bowl of rice.

'Have you eaten?'

'Mm.' Shen Zhi poured two glasses of water, one set beside Xu Yan's bowl, one for himself. 'I'll eat with you.'

Xu Yan ate quietly, his mouth stuffed full. Shen Zhi was looking at his phone, glancing up at him every so often. Xu Yan took a sip of water and asked, 'Busy with work?'

'There's a contract I haven't finished drafting. I'll go to the study.' Shen Zhi handed him a napkin. 'If you're sleepy, go ahead and sleep.'

After dinner, Xu Yan let Shen Zhi work first while he made juice downstairs. When he opened the fridge, he glanced at the message board—the ugly little smile in the bottom-left corner had been erased by Shen Zhi.

Something he hadn't been able to bring himself to touch for over three years, and now Shen Zhi had erased it, just like before—because Xu Yan drew it badly, he'd wipe it away again and again, then wait for Xu Yan to redraw it.

'Childish.' Xu Yan muttered to himself. He was smiling, but his eyes were stinging terribly.

He picked up the marker and, in the bottom-left corner, drew another ugly smiley face.

After nine, Shen Zhi closed his computer, stood up, and walked to the two safes—one large, one small. He entered the code to open the small one, took out a pillbox, counted out the medication he needed to take, turned back to the desk, and with a glass of water, swallowed the pills.

The small safe held no property deeds, no cash, no jewelry, no important documents—only a great many medicines, and all of his medical records and examination reports.

Leaving the study, Shen Zhi stood outside the master bedroom door. He could feel his fingertips trembling. He couldn't be sure whether Xu Yan was really in the room, whether Xu Yan had really come to find him—he even wanted to go to the garage to check if Xu Yan's car was there.

He opened the door gently. Unlike the total darkness that greeted him every time he entered before, the room held a very faint light. Shen Zhi walked in and saw the bedside lamp was on—not on his side, but on the other side, Xu Yan's bedside.

Xu Yan was lying under the covers, hugging Little Crocodile, quietly in bed, with only his head showing—black hair, pale grey pillow.

This was the scene Shen Zhi had once had but later lost, the one he'd imagined countless times in dreams only to have it shatter in the end.

Xu Yan had already fallen asleep, but his sleep was still light. Even though Shen Zhi had made very little noise opening the door, he still woke. Xu Yan opened his eyes, lifted his head, saw Shen Zhi standing at the foot of the bed, sat up, rubbed his face, and asked, 'What time is it?'

'Not quite nine-thirty.' Shen Zhi walked to the bed, sat down, reached up and pinched his earlobe. 'Sorry I woke you.'

'I wake easily anyway.' Xu Yan showed that slightly drowsy smile, looking soft and helpless. 'I thought it was the middle of the night. It's only nine-thirty.'

'I squeezed you some orange juice, it's not fresh anymore.' Xu Yan reached for the cup on the bedside table, lowered his head to sniff it, his nose twitching twice, like a dog. 'I can't really tell.'

Shen Zhi silently reached over, took the cup from his hand, set it back down, then hugged Xu Yan, enclosing him completely in his arms.

'Why do I always want to hold you?' Shen Zhi sighed, unsure whether he was asking Xu Yan or himself.

As if holding tighter could make it more certain—certain that Xu Yan was really in front of him.

Xu Yan said nothing. He understood Shen Zhi's emotions perfectly, and precisely because of that, he couldn't find words. Comfort or reassurance wouldn't work for Shen Zhi; embrace and company were more effective.

He nuzzled Shen Zhi's neck, kissed his neck, could feel Shen Zhi's Adam's apple rolling beneath his lips, and the arms holding him tightening little by little. Xu Yan lifted his head, kissed Shen Zhi's chin, jaw, cheek—he also wanted to ask 'why do I always want to kiss you'—they had never properly and patiently kissed before.

Xu Yan had almost kissed every part of Shen Zhi's face, except his lips. Shen Zhi's breathing grew heavier. He looked down at him, voice a little hoarse: 'Yan-yan...'

'...Let's change it.' Xu Yan thought he still had reservations about this form of address, because he could never be sure. He kissed the corner of Shen Zhi's mouth. 'Call me something else.'

Shen Zhi wanted to ask why. He felt this way of calling him was already the most intimate. But he didn't ask, thinking perhaps Xu Yan was always called that by others, and had grown tired of hearing it.

'What should I call you?' He humbly sought Xu Yan's guidance.

Xu Yan was also thinking—what would be good? Xiao Xu? Xiao Yan? It sounded like calling a subordinate.

While he was thinking, Shen Zhi kissed his nose, a little awkwardly, but still began—

'Baby.'

His voice was very low, and soft, as if it would melt into the warm, dim light of dusk.

Xu Yan: '...'

Shen Zhi: '...'

Xu Yan said: 'Forget it.'

Shen Zhi replied: 'Okay.'

He thought Xu Yan didn't like it—if he hadn't seen Xu Yan's ears and face gradually reddening.

Xu Yan's whole head was burning. He'd always been shameless—when Shen Zhi was colder, he'd be thicker-skinned. He'd once thought it was a balanced equilibrium between them. But the best state of feeling in the world was always mutual sincerity, face to face.

It turned out that beyond physical desire, psychological satisfaction and tension could also make one's blood surge.

It turned out that being called 'baby' by someone you really like could truly make you shy, regardless of gender.

It turned out that dating Shen Zhi could also bring this kind of joy and pleasure.

Shen Zhi leaned down to kiss him, lips against lips, and called him again: 'Baby.'

'Mm?' This time Xu Yan didn't let Shen Zhi 'forget it.' His heart was racing. He unconsciously gripped Shen Zhi's clothes. After a long, lingering kiss, he asked, 'Did you take your sleeping pill?'

'One.' Shen Zhi kissed the corner of his mouth, his head resting on Xu Yan's shoulder. Not just the sleeping pill—other medications also contained sedatives to varying degrees, and combined with the side effects of the new drug, he felt dizzy now, more tired than ever before, his voice growing weary. 'I'm a bit sleepy. I was worried that if I had insomnia, it would affect you, make you unable to sleep too...'

His voice grew lower and lower. Xu Yan patted his back gently, again and again, as if soothing a child to sleep, and said softly, 'You won't.'

'Baby.' When Xu Yan said these two words, his eyes held a smile. He said, 'You're the baby.'

'Mm...' Shen Zhi had already slipped into a deep, drugged sleep, unable to hear clearly what Xu Yan was saying, only responding with a vague consciousness.

He fell asleep on Xu Yan's shoulder. The room was so quiet only their breathing remained. Xu Yan slowly laid him down on the bed. Shen Zhi instinctively curled his legs. Xu Yan gave up his spot, moved to the other side, pulled the covers over him. The lamp was still on. Xu Yan and Shen Zhi lay face to face. Xu Yan touched his face, then his eyelids, and finally kissed the bridge of his nose.

Xu Yan lay flat, cradling Little Crocodile in the crook of his arm. He closed his eyes. About a minute later, Shen Zhi moved, then draped an arm over Xu Yan's waist.

Xu Yan had thought that after more than three years apart, lying in the same bed again, they would continue in this peaceful state until dawn. But in the early hours of the morning, while he was sleeping soundly, he dimly felt Shen Zhi tremble sharply, and his breathing grow rapid. Xu Yan was about to open his eyes, but his eyelids were covered in time—by Shen Zhi's hand.

'Sorry I woke you.' Shen Zhi's voice was hoarse, and one could hear him forcefully suppressing his heavy breathing. He said, 'It's nothing. Go back to sleep.'

Xu Yan knew he'd been woken by a nightmare, and knew he didn't want Xu Yan to worry, so he said, 'Mm.'

After a few minutes, Shen Zhi removed his hand, got out of bed very quietly, and turned off the lamp.

Xu Yan heard the slight sound of the balcony door opening. He opened his eyes. The curtains were swaying—Shen Zhi had gone to the balcony. He sat up and looked at the clock: 2:47.

At 2:50, Xu Yan got out of bed, walked over, and pulled the curtain open a little. Tonight's moon was very full, like a distant lamp, illuminating the entire terrace, along with the tall magnolia tree. Shen Zhi sat in the moonlight, in the tree's shadow, a glass of water on the small table beside him. He was hunched over, elbows on his knees, face buried in his palms. As the evening breeze blew, the leaves swayed, and dappled light danced and drifted across his bent back.

Xu Yan walked up to him and touched his head.

Shen Zhi froze, looked up. Half his face was in shadow, the other half in moonlight. A pale face and red-rimmed eyes, a stark contrast. But Xu Yan said nothing, only asked him, 'Had a nightmare?'

'Mm.' Shen Zhi answered hoarsely, reached out to hug Xu Yan's waist, his face pressed against Xu Yan's abdomen. 'Sorry I woke you.'

'Why didn't you tell me.' Xu Yan stroked his hair and the back of his neck. 'You know I wake easily, but I also fall back asleep easily.'

He could feel Shen Zhi trembling.

'How long were you planning to sit here alone?' Xu Yan asked again. 'What if I woke up and found you gone? That would be scary.'

'I haven't lived here in a long time, I'm not used to it.' Xu Yan said. 'Shen Zhi, I need you. We just got back together. If you have a nightmare and run off like this, I'll think the nightmare is me.'

'Is it me?' Xu Yan asked him.

Shen Zhi held him tighter. Xu Yan's words 'I need you' were like a lifeline to him. He knew better than anyone who needed whom more. He said quietly, 'I dreamed that we were clearly sleeping together, but when I woke up, you were gone.'

'I've dreamed this before, many times. Dreamed we were lying in the same bed asleep, but when I woke up I was at the Airport. You were far from me, about to go abroad.'

There had been many similar midnights—waking in a cold sweat, the pillow beside him empty. Tonight, Xu Yan was finally sleeping beside him, but Shen Zhi feared his loss of composure would frighten him, so he'd come to the balcony to recover.

'Then you should keep an eye on me, not come to the balcony alone.' Xu Yan crouched down, took his hand, and looked up at him. 'Shen Zhi, I'm here with you.'

His eyes reflected the moonlight—the same gaze as nine years ago, clean and sincere, such beautiful eyes.

Shen Zhi felt the painful, cold shards of ice inside him slowly melt and soothe, receding, gradually returning to him a calm and peaceful shell.

This shell, when looking at Xu Yan and being looked at by Xu Yan, would be filled with a full soul, becoming a complete person.

'Go back to sleep. If you can't sleep, I'll tell you a story.' Xu Yan smiled at him, stood up, took Shen Zhi's hand, and led him back to the room.

The evening breeze was still blowing. From somewhere, a leaf fell, landing in the cup holding moonlight, a shimmer of ripples.