15

Xu Zhengdong waited outside for a moment.

A server walked over. Just as she was about to speak, Xu Zhengdong shushed her, motioning for her to stay quiet. He told her to go in and pour water, then leaned slightly to the side to peek through the gap in the door.

As expected, Su Xingchuan had moved to sit next to Li Xuan.

They were awkward with each other, deliberately leaving a bit of space between their seats, yet their bodies leaned toward one another, talking about something.

Xu Zhengdong chuckled softly.

He'd thought Su Xingchuan was so mature, but he was just a hot-headed kid after all.

A hot-headed kid was fine, as long as he was good to Xiao Xuan.

He could see Su Xingchuan had something he wasn't saying, that he was sulking, but Xiao Xuan didn't seem to notice. He wasn't going to spell it out. In matters of the heart, outsiders could only hint at things — spelling it out would ruin it. Besides, the paper on the window was already on the verge of tearing; if they still couldn't see through it, then they simply weren't meant to be.

He told the server to keep the door closed and not disturb the guests inside. As he was leaving, he added, 'Pack me an order of those salt-and-pepper shrimp to go — they smell pretty good.'

The door was gently closed, the footsteps in the corridor disappeared instantly, and the private room grew even quieter.

Li Xuan's 'I hate you' became startlingly clear.

Li Xuan always had a ton of catchphrases, each one capable of carrying several emotions that Su Xingchuan had to decipher.

'So you hate me again.'

Su Xingchuan smiled helplessly. 'Aside from hating me, do you have anything else to say?'

'You have bad taste.' Li Xuan said coldly.

'What?' Su Xingchuan didn't get it.

Li Xuan refused to repeat himself. He slowly wiped his hands clean with a wet napkin, then picked up his chopsticks and took a piece of shrimp.

Su Xingchuan finally caught on, belatedly.

'You mean Xie Liang?' Su Xingchuan laughed. 'What makes you say I have bad taste? I think he's great.'

Li Xuan's expression soured even more.

'He has a good personality — doesn't throw tantrums for no reason, works hard, never orders me around. And his looks, well, he's just not your type — that doesn't mean he's bad-looking.' Su Xingchuan was deliberately needling Li Xuan. After saying it, he turned to look at him with a mean little smile. 'You think he's no good? What's wrong with him?'

Li Xuan's tears nearly spilled over.

Su Xingchuan's words stabbed into his heart like needles. He had always been spoiled and used to getting his way, never thinking his petulance and coquettishness would annoy Su Xingchuan. After they broke up, every time he looked back on those four months, he secretly regretted it all: he shouldn't have taken advantage of Su Xingchuan so much. Now, thinking about that relationship, he couldn't even remember what he had contributed.

He had just been along for the ride. He was afraid Su Xingchuan would hate him for it, meet someone better, and then forget him.

The more he thought, the more miserable he felt, acid churning in his stomach.

'Drink some hot soup.' Su Xingchuan noticed his slightly furrowed brow and gently reminded him, 'Are you feeling unwell somewhere?'

'None of your business.' Li Xuan turned his head away.

Su Xingchuan ladled him a bowl of steaming chicken soup and set it in front of him.

The steam made Li Xuan's eyes sting even more.

'How many surgeries did you have today?' Su Xingchuan started making small talk. In the past, he could chat with Li Xuan about everything under the sun; now they could only talk about work. 'Are you only at the clinic on Wednesdays and Thursdays? What time do you have lunch? Didn't you eat all afternoon?'

Only after Su Xingchuan mentioned it did Li Xuan realize he was hungry.

And with that came a wave of hurt feelings.

Li Xuan wasn't in the habit of snacking. In the past, when Su Xingchuan had a lot of afternoon classes, sometimes the last one ran until 5:30, and he was afraid Li Xuan would be hungry waiting, so he'd stuff two packs of crackers into his pocket. Li Xuan didn't like them either; he'd only tear one open and eat a couple of pieces when he was starving, then send Su Xingchuan a cranky message: [So dry. My throat's clogged. Su Xingchuan, you're done for.]

Su Xingchuan would always crack a smile in class when he got messages like that. Li Xuan would say he was done for, but Su Xingchuan already knew the consequences — just a few extra kisses, hardly a punishment.

Both of them were probably remembering similar things.

Li Xuan muttered sullenly, 'It's none of your business.'

Su Xingchuan slowly pulled back the shoulder that had unconsciously been leaning toward Li Xuan and went back to peeling shrimp. 'I know. None of my business.'

He placed the peeled shrimp into Li Xuan's bowl.

Li Xuan bowed his head and drank his soup.

Su Xingchuan suddenly asked, 'What does Xu Zhengdong mean by leaving us alone here?'

Li Xuan said sullenly, 'I don't know.'

He thought for a moment, then frowned. 'Why are you calling him by name? He's a whole ten years older than you.'

Su Xingchuan's hands froze mid-peel.

He really felt like a fool.

How could someone be this pathetic?

Xu Zhengdong left him here, and he shamelessly went right over to Li Xuan, peeling shrimp for him, asking after his health.

Seven years, and he hadn't made a bit of progress emotionally.

Hearing Li Xuan's words, he felt a knot of anger trapped in his chest, slamming all around his insides with nowhere to go.

He was really about to die of frustration.

He gritted his teeth and asked, 'Then how should I address him?'

Li Xuan said, puzzled, 'Just call him what he is. Didn't you just call him President Xu?'

Su Xingchuan couldn't take it anymore. The last trace of humor in his eyes vanished. He shot to his feet, his jaw clenched tighter and tighter, grabbed the wet towel beside him, wiped his hands roughly, and without a word to Li Xuan, pushed back his chair and left.

The server outside had been worrying about how to deliver the last dessert when the door suddenly flew open.

Su Xingchuan strode out quickly.

Out of Sizhuan Restaurant and into the crowded dusk of Changting Street.

Changting — the place where parting meets the wilted grass stretching to the sky.

Fitting.

He felt he was starting to hate Li Xuan. Why did he have to show up again? Giving him hope, then letting him down — just like seven years ago, when he abruptly broke up with him for no reason.

A love cut short is too cruel, like a roller coaster stuck at the very top — neither up nor down, no way out, no way in.

It took Su Xingchuan ages to save himself by filling his life with work, and now Li Xuan had appeared again — it was just brutal.

Scenes flashed through his mind, contrasting seven years ago with now. Li Xuan had changed a lot, yet it felt like he hadn't changed at all. Had he himself changed? Had he really been wrong about Li Xuan?

He wanted to keep walking straight down Changting Street without stopping, but as he walked, he ended up looping back.

Stepping on the dead leaves by the roadside, he returned to the entrance of Sizhuan Restaurant.

He saw Li Xuan sitting on the stone bench at the entrance, hugging his briefcase, bundled up in an oversized padded jacket, all hunched over.

He used to like holding Su Xingchuan's backpack like that.

Sitting by the Basketball Court, swinging his legs.

Su Xingchuan stopped in front of him.

Li Xuan slowly lifted his head, his eyes rimmed red.

For the first time since they'd reunited, he dropped his cold facade in front of Su Xingchuan and let his true nature show.

Su Xingchuan didn't understand what he was so upset about, but his heart still ached. He crouched down in front of him, lifted a hand, and wiped his tears away with the pad of his thumb.

Li Xuan finally couldn't hold back. Through choked sobs, he asked, 'Su Xingchuan, do you really only like men now?'

So Li Xuan wasn't special. He wasn't important. Anyone — a Wang Xuan, a Chen Xuan — could have made Su Xingchuan fall for them as long as they were coquettish, took the lead, played cute. Su Xingchuan was naturally into men; Li Xuan was just a passerby at a crucial moment. After that, Su Xingchuan's life had nothing to do with him.

Li Xuan didn't want to face that reality.

'Is that all you care about?' Su Xingchuan said, at a loss.

Li Xuan tossed the briefcase at Su Xingchuan and cried, 'Yes, that's exactly what I care about! I don't care if you like me now — I just want to know how important I was to you back then. I only care about myself. I'm selfish and unreasonable!'

He stood up to leave, his fists clenching his cuffs. He was waiting for Su Xingchuan to say something, yet terrified of hearing the answer.

He walked forward, his legs heavy as lead.

The next second, he heard Su Xingchuan say, 'You were important.'

Tears streamed down.

Getting the answer he wanted didn't make him happy — it gave him a deeper sense of hopelessness. He was important back then, but now? He'd already been replaced.

Did he still have a chance? Could he still fight for it?

Li Xuan suddenly clenched his fists.

Su Xingchuan watched Li Xuan's hurried retreating figure and murmured to himself, bereft, 'You really were important.'

Important enough that no matter how angry he'd been with you, no matter that he'd never considered liking a guy for the first twenty years of his life, no matter that reason had told him over and over not to choose such a difficult path — he still, uncontrollably, fell for you.

*

*

Seven years ago, Yu Qinglan had said to Su Xingchuan, 'You're done for, Su Xingchuan. Don't you realize you're way too into that boy?'

Su Xingchuan said indifferently, 'Really? I don't think so.'

He'd always regarded Li Xuan as a strange, fussy kid — until that noon in the woods, where the summer heat was cut by a cool breeze, and Li Xuan leaned over and planted a kiss on his cheek.

In an instant, the wind died, the woods fell silent, everything stopped.

That night, Su Xingchuan had his first sleepless night in twenty years — he hadn't even been this anxious the night before the college entrance exam.

Though it wasn't his first encounter with homosexuality — he'd met somewhat effeminate boys before, and there were rumors one liked guys — he'd never cared, never thought that community had anything to do with him. Until—

Li Xuan's soft, warm lips pressed against his face.

Su Xingchuan took a deep breath.

He covered his forehead, trying to blank out the memory, but the harder he tried, the clearer it became.

He didn't dare think about it.

That night, Su Xingchuan only slept for about half an hour.

The next morning, he had three classes. He dragged through them in a daze, then went to the cafeteria to eat with his roommate.

He prayed Li Xuan wouldn't show up.

But Li Xuan not only came, he walked right up to Su Xingchuan carrying a bowl of boiled beef.

Su Xingchuan snapped wide awake. He quickly scowled, projecting rejection and disgust, about to draw a clear line in front of his roommate, when Li Xuan set the bowl of boiled beef down next to his hand.

'Eat this.'

Su Xingchuan choked, not understanding.

Li Xuan dug a box of chocolates out of his pocket and shoved it into Su Xingchuan's hands. 'This is good too.'

Su Xingchuan froze.

After giving the gifts, Li Xuan turned and walked away.

Was Li Xuan... pursuing him?

His roommate's gaze lingered on Li Xuan for a moment, then shifted to Su Xingchuan. 'What's going on?'

How was Su Xingchuan supposed to know?

He decided to stay away from Li Xuan.

He stopped going to the cafeteria, the Basketball Court, the study room in the Library. He refused to be anywhere Li Xuan could find him, and he didn't reply to his messages.

Cat Head: [Where are you?]

Cat Head: [Why aren't you eating?]

Cat Head: [I don't need you to feed me anymore. I'll eat by myself.]

Su Xingchuan gave a cold laugh, put away his phone, and thought: Since when did feeding yourself become a reward for me?

Li Xuan kept messaging him.

Cat Head: [Are you mad? I'm sorry.]

Cat Head: [Pay attention to me.]

Cat Head: [I bought you a present. Pay attention to me.]

Cat Head: [You don't want me to hate you, do you?]

When Su Xingchuan ignored him, that evening he received a message that practically had a voice built in.

Cat Head: [I hate you.]

Su Xingchuan wasn't surprised at all.

Li Xuan had always been a young master's temper with a princess's fate.

He thought that by giving Li Xuan the cold shoulder like this, he could end things between them. Unfortunately, it didn't work out that way.

A week later.

Su Xingchuan saw Li Xuan at the Skateboarding Club.

Su Xingchuan was in only two clubs — debate and skateboarding. He had no idea how Li Xuan found out, but there he was, having properly bought himself a skateboard.

The Skateboarding Club's group activities were held at seven in the evening every Wednesday and Sunday in front of the Grand Auditorium. Su Xingchuan attended occasionally.

Today, he'd just sat down when he saw Li Xuan heading his way, hugging a long skateboard, his right hand still wrapped up like a little pig's trotter.

He thought to himself: What a clingy pest. Can't shake him off no matter what.

He was about to stand up when the Skateboarding Club's Senior Student stepped forward to greet Li Xuan first. Su Xingchuan scowled and sat back down.

Out of the corner of his eye, he glanced over. The Senior Student had delicate features and spoke gently — definitely the type a gay guy would like. He didn't know what he was saying, but Li Xuan kept nodding.

Under the streetlights, his eyes were shiny.

For some reason, Su Xingchuan felt inexplicably annoyed.

So Li Xuan looked at everyone with that expression.