22

Li Xuan never thought of himself as someone who ran away. Growing up, he hadn't really hit many rough patches.

If Su Xingchuan's mother hadn't shown up, Li Xuan probably would have kept right on believing he was fearless.

Seven years ago, winter break came early. Su Xingchuan and Li Xuan spent a sticky-sweet New Year's together, then each headed home.

Back home, Li Xuan was bored out of his mind, sighing and groaning all day. He'd gotten so used to clinging to Su Xingchuan, to having him by his side every minute. Lying in bed, he suddenly missed Su Xingchuan like crazy.

So he made a bold decision.

He'd take the bus to Su Xingchuan's place and find him.

It was snowing hard that day, flakes drifting down. Li Xuan used his phone's map to find Su Xingchuan's home. He'd deliberately not told Su Xingchuan; he was going to surprise him.

Only when he was right downstairs did he call Su Xingchuan, the corner of his mouth lifted high. As the call connected, he was ready to whine playfully and say, all smug: “Su! Xing! Chuan! Guess where I am? Right outside your building!”

But a strange voice came from the other end.

“I'm Xingchuan's mother.”

Li Xuan's smile froze on his lips.

“You're downstairs, right? I'm coming down.”

A few minutes later, Li Xuan saw a woman in a black-and-white checkered down jacket walking down. He recognized her at a glance as Su Xingchuan's mother—Su Xingchuan's features looked a lot like hers.

He Ning hadn't retired yet at the time; she worked as an accountant at a construction company. She walked up to Li Xuan, and she didn't look pleased.

Li Xuan wasn't the most polite kid. He just stared blankly at He Ning for a long moment before remembering to say, 'Hello, Auntie.'

He Ning seemed to already know who he was.

By then the snow was deep, almost up to his ankles. He felt freezing, and thought to himself: Tonight I'll make Su Xingchuan warm my feet, and I'll use his abs to warm my hands.

He Ning got straight to the point: “I saw your chat history with Xingchuan. You two are dating, aren't you?”

Li Xuan nodded dumbly.

“Are you gay?”

At the time, Li Xuan obediently nodded.

Every day after that, Li Xuan regretted it. He felt so stupid, so naively foolish. Because his parents spoiled him and reluctantly accepted his orientation, he'd thought all parents were like that. He kept replaying it: If he hadn't nodded, would things have turned out differently?

But back then, all he could do was nod obediently. No sooner had he done it than he saw disgust flood He Ning's eyes.

“Xingchuan isn't gay. I know my son best. In middle school, when he got a love letter from a girl, he was happy to tell me about it, so I'm certain—he's not gay.”

“You're the one who made him this way!” He Ning ground out through gritted teeth.

The color drained from Li Xuan's face, bit by bit.

He couldn't argue with that.

“Li Xuan, I'll just call you that.”

Because of the cold, He Ning's voice trembled slightly, but her stance was firm: “I know parents shouldn't meddle in their children's relationships, but this kind of situation, I have to step in. I don't agree to you two being together. Whether you're just playing around or you're serious, I won't allow it!”

“I don't understand your kind. I think it's a mental illness. How— how could you fall for a man? It's disgusting. I don't want my son to catch this disease. Please leave him alone, and don't pass your filthy diseases on to him!”

Li Xuan was so terrified he froze. “I—”

He Ning's emotions were out of control. Her mind was stuck on the chat log she'd accidentally seen on Su Xingchuan's phone a couple of days ago—Li Xuan asking when they'd go to a hotel.

She'd opened her son's photo album and found it was all pictures of Li Xuan, even some of him sleeping.

She'd stumbled backward and hit the cupboard, unwilling and unable to believe it. And then the very next day, this boy named Li Xuan showed up. She had to do something.

She couldn't just stand by and do nothing.

Furious, she said: “I don't care how you do it—no dragging it out, leave him as fast as you can! If you want our family to fall apart and be thrown into chaos because of you, if you want me to die with my eyes open from bitterness, then go ahead and stay with him!”

Disgusting. Fall apart. Die with my eyes open.

Every word she said felt alien and terrifying to the twenty-year-old Li Xuan.

He just liked Su Xingchuan. Why would that make Su Xingchuan's mother die with regrets? Li Xuan couldn't figure it out. His heart was pounding so hard it felt like it was in his throat. His whole body ached.

He asked shakily, “Auntie, what if Su Xingchuan never likes a girl?”

He Ning exploded in rage, her eyes red, pointing at Li Xuan: “I've never seen such a shameless person! So young, doing something so disgusting. The messages you sent him, I can't even bear to look at. Stay away from him!”

Li Xuan opened his mouth but no words came out.

His whole body was shaking. He'd never been scolded like that in his life. For the first time, he felt like a bad person.

“I can accept him not marrying or having kids, but I cannot accept him liking men. Not in this lifetime!”

Li Xuan felt hopeless.

“Xingchuan is a filial child. If you want to see him torn between family and love, if you want me to hate you till I die, you can call him down right now and pretend tonight never happened.”

Tears streamed down Li Xuan's face.

In that moment, he felt so hopeless, so terrified. He cried inside, thinking helplessly: Su Xingchuan, what do I do?

“If you have any sense at all, you can leave now.” That was the last thing He Ning said to Li Xuan.

That night, Li Xuan trudged through the ankle-deep snow alone, carrying a big gift box, as he left Su Xingchuan's house. Later, he broke up with Su Xingchuan but didn't dare say why.

He grew up in one night.

He hated his own childishness, his cowardice, his cluelessness. If he'd been a little smarter, more articulate, more flexible—if he'd known to just lie and smooth things over, then figure it out together with Su Xingchuan later—maybe Su Xingchuan's mother wouldn't have gotten so angry.

But he was too scared at the time. All he could think of was running away.

It was his fault.

The shadow He Ning cast over Li Xuan loomed over him for the next seven years. Even after he went abroad, whenever he heard people talk about homosexuality, he'd instinctively avoid it. He was afraid of hearing their judgments.

He thought he'd slowly forget, that his current maturity would cancel out his youthful foolishness. But meeting He Ning again seven years later, he still froze in place, mouth opening and closing, unable to speak.

“What are you doing here?”

He Ning walked toward him.

He Ning had more white hair than before, more wrinkles on her face, but she didn't look old. When she fixed her gaze and frowned, she still carried that intimidating authority that terrified Li Xuan.

He Ning looked up at the hallway sign, and her face changed instantly. She raised her voice, questioning him: “Why are you here? Don't tell me you're with him again!”

Li Xuan wanted to run again.

He instinctively took a step back and reflexively said, “No…”

“Then why are you here?”

Li Xuan stammered, unable to get the words out.

In truth, he had so much to say. He wanted to tell He Ning that he and Su Xingchuan truly loved each other, that even after seven years apart, they still missed each other, that no one was more right for each other than they were. He'd grown a lot, wasn't as childish as before; he wouldn't unilaterally rely on Su Xingchuan's care. They could support each other and grow old together, just like any normal couple.

But looking at He Ning's face, he couldn't say a word. He even started thinking about his uncle, his mom—like a child, pinning his hopes on others, unable to make a decision himself.

He felt so pathetic.

“Mom?”

Su Xingchuan's voice broke the standoff between Li Xuan and He Ning.

After hanging up, Su Xingchuan had decided to go see Li Xuan anyway. But as soon as he came downstairs, he saw Li Xuan and He Ning standing face to face.

He walked up, about to introduce them, when he heard He Ning's cold interrogation: “Xingchuan, are you with him again?”

He Ning had found a photo of Su Xingchuan and Li Xuan together before. She hadn't said anything then, so Su Xingchuan thought his mother was more accepting than most parents. He figured this was a good chance for Li Xuan to meet her.

Before he could get a word out, he heard He Ning snap: “You've disappointed me so much!”

He froze, and Li Xuan, terrified, kept backing away.

Li Xuan turned and left.

Su Xingchuan tried to grab him, but He Ning pulled him back.

“Why are you doing this?” He Ning asked him, tears in her eyes.

Su Xingchuan was stunned. His usually gentle mother was like an enraged lioness. He'd never seen her with such a fierce expression. He felt completely lost, then snapped back to attention under her barrage of questions.

His mother had known all along? She even knew Li Xuan's name and kept mentioning 'seven years ago.' And Li Xuan had just gone pale and fled in panic, looking terrified.

Could it be—

“You went to him?”

He Ning stopped abruptly.

Her silence said it all. Su Xingchuan felt the blood freeze in his veins. He grabbed his mother's arm, incredulous: “You went to him? What did you say to him?”

He Ning averted her eyes.

“So he broke up with me.”

“Yes! I went to him. So what? You were still in school, I didn't want to affect you!”

Su Xingchuan couldn't control his emotions anymore. He said angrily: “What exactly did you say to him? Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you discuss it with me? You didn't want to affect me, so you went to affect him instead? He was raised in the palm of his parents' hands too!”

“What was I supposed to do? I didn't want him to ruin you.”

Su Xingchuan's heart ached so much he could barely speak.

What had the twenty-year-old Li Xuan gone through, what had he endured, to silently withdraw from his life?

He gripped his mother's arm and said, word by word: “Mom, I'm telling you—I didn't become gay because of him. I was the one who fell for him first.”

He Ning said, “Impossible.”

“Before I met him, I never felt anything for any girl. But the first time I saw him, I couldn't look away.”

He Ning's face went pale. “You've always been so good. Don't talk like that. Xingchuan, you just haven't met a girl you like yet. Listen to me, break things off with him—”

Su Xingchuan said hoarsely, “Believe it or not, that's the truth. I was with him. I was the one who asked to make it official. Everything that happened after, I started it all. I like him, I like him so much, and I'm dead set on him for this life.”

He Ning grabbed Su Xingchuan's jacket. “Xingchuan!”

“I'm going to find him right now. I have to find him,” Su Xingchuan said to his mother. “Mom, I've waited seven years for him.”

.

Su Xingchuan called Li Xuan, but no one answered.

His heart ached so much he was nearly going mad.

Just a few hours ago, on the phone, he'd said he hoped Li Xuan would have a smooth life, free of hardship. Turns out, seven years ago, the first rough patch Li Xuan ever hit was caused by him.

Li Xuan was such a delicate crybaby. Normally, if you spoke to him even a little harshly, he'd feel wronged and sulk for ages.

How could he have endured a mother's scolding?

For seven years, about the breakup, Su Xingchuan had thought the worst of Li Xuan countless times, but never once considered the problem might be on his side. Otherwise, how could the Li Xuan who just the day before had sweetly said they'd set off fireworks together for the new year suddenly break up out of nowhere?

When they broke up, Li Xuan had cried and said, “I can't.”

He should have sensed something.

He kept calling Li Xuan, but Li Xuan still wouldn't pick up.

He couldn't see Li Xuan anywhere in the neighborhood. He guessed Li Xuan had gone home, but he didn't know his address. After thinking it over, he had no choice but to call Xu Zhengdong's driver, pretending he had documents to deliver, and wormed the address of the Xu Family Old Mansion out of him.

As soon as he got the address, he drove over immediately.

The villa complex didn't allow outside cars, so he had to park on the street and walk in.

His steps were all over the place.

He knew Li Xuan was hurt and scared.

He'd finally, after so much effort, gotten a single 'I miss you' from Li Xuan. Seven years of waiting had just seen a glimmer of dawn. He couldn't let it all fall apart. He had to see Li Xuan. Even if it meant clinging shamelessly and throwing away all pride, he'd get Li Xuan back.

As he walked, he suddenly spotted a familiar figure.

It was Li Xuan.

Li Xuan was running while clutching a pile of things. In his haste, he tripped, pitching forward and sprawling on the ground, the things in his arms scattering everywhere.

Su Xingchuan rushed over and helped him up.

He held Li Xuan's wrist and asked nervously, “Are you hurt? Do your elbows or knees hurt?”

Li Xuan froze for a second when he saw him, then immediately scrambled to pick up the scattered items. “Did your mom leave?”

“What?”

“I want to see her.”

“No need, Xiaoxuan, I'll handle my mom.”

But Li Xuan looked at him, eyes glistening with tears, and said stubbornly, “I'll tell her myself.”

Su Xingchuan hugged him, heart aching.

“I'm sorry. This time I won't run away. I just wanted to come back and get my things,” Li Xuan said, picking up the items one by one and clutching them to his chest. Sobbing, he said to Su Xingchuan:

“These are my certificates—my diplomas, my medical license and practice certificate, my award certificates from last year, my health check-up report. I've been living seriously all these years.”

Su Xingchuan stared at him, dazed.

Even though Li Xuan's face hadn't changed much from before, and his tear-blurred look still made your heart ache, Su Xingchuan felt it directly for the first time: Li Xuan had really grown up.

Li Xuan said, crying: “I want to tell your mom that I don't have any nasty diseases, I'm not a bad person, I just like you.”