9

Deeply closeted?

Su Xingchuan had heard the word before, but it was the first time he'd ever connected it to himself. He thought it was absurd.

Yu Qinglan looked at him with a complicated gaze.

Su Xingchuan snorted scornfully, 'No way?'

He waved a hand and went back into the club room, saying, 'Let's keep setting up, finish before five, then we'll all go eat together.'

Everyone responded in agreement.

Yu Qinglan raised an eyebrow but said nothing.

Su Xingchuan dismissed it verbally, but inside he was rattled. Throughout the club anniversary event, he kept glancing at the door and windows, afraid Li Xuan might be waiting outside.

Luckily, he wasn't.

As the event drew to a close, Su Xingchuan, tired out from being pestered by a crowd of Senior Students and junior classmates, sat to the side to rest. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Yu Qinglan sitting with the junior girl who'd just sent him a friend request. Yu Qinglan was covering half her face with her hand, chattering away, glancing at Su Xingchuan now and then with great enthusiasm.

Su Xingchuan shot her a death glare.

Yu Qinglan noticed, gave the junior an awkward laugh, then circled around a row of tables to Su Xingchuan's side.

'What?'

Su Xingchuan tilted his head to give her a sidelong glare. 'You were exactly like the village gossip just now. I feel like rumors are already spreading about me.'

Yu Qinglan laughed. 'No really, I was praising you.'

'I may not be interested in that junior, but don't go spouting nonsense and ruining my reputation.' Su Xingchuan rubbed his temples.

'I didn't call you a closet case, relax.'

'...I'm not one to begin with.' Su Xingchuan felt like he couldn't clear his name even with a hundred mouths. 'He's just a new friend, that's all. I'm always good to my friends, you know me.'

Yu Qinglan gave him a once-over. 'But haven't you noticed you've been distracted all evening?'

With one line, Yu Qinglan punctured Su Xingchuan's pretense.

His eyes turned slightly cold, his face stiffened, and he forced himself to sound calm. 'Just a bit tired today.'

Yu Qinglan folded her arms and smiled. 'Let's hope so, or that junior will be awfully disappointed.'

'Ridiculous,' Su Xingchuan said.

Back in his dorm, lying alone on his bed with his arms folded behind his head, Li Xuan's face kept surfacing in his mind.

It can't be.

I just think he's cute, fun to be around.

It's not... that. Really, it's not.

He closed his eyes.

He thought that, but the next day he still subconsciously avoided Li Xuan. Li Xuan normally went to the canteen at eleven for lunch, sitting behind a pillar in the southeast corner. Today, Su Xingchuan made a point of going before eleven and deliberately sat on the other side.

In the end, Li Xuan still caught him.

Halfway through his meal, Li Xuan came over with a plate of yu xiang rou si over rice and sat down next to him.

Not a word spoken, but the air of questioning was already pressing in.

Su Xingchuan nearly choked.

Turning to see Li Xuan's puffy, indignant expression, he actually felt a bit guilty. 'You—you're here early?'

Li Xuan shoved the spoon into Su Xingchuan's hand.

Very practiced at it.

As if Su Xingchuan had become his personal nanny.

'...' Su Xingchuan frowned. 'Feed yourself.'

Li Xuan turned his head away without a word.

Having already guessed he'd sulk, Su Xingchuan said deliberately, 'Can't even eat covered rice by yourself? It's not like you're paralyzed.'

Li Xuan placed his little pig trotter on Su Xingchuan's arm.

The sudden physical contact sent a violent jolt through Su Xingchuan's body. Where Li Xuan touched him, a heat and numbness spread, a swarm of tiny electric currents shooting up to the back of his neck.

A very weird sensation.

Actually, Li Xuan had often done this the past couple of days. Su Xingchuan had just taken it as playful whining, thought nothing of it, but now it felt strange.

Was it a little... ambiguous?

Guys putting their arm around each other's shoulders was normal, but if his Roommate put a hand on his arm like that, he'd frown and shake it off. It wasn't that he couldn't accept it, just that it was strange. The fact that he'd allowed Li Xuan's behavior these past few days was really not okay.

He picked Li Xuan's hand off and said in irritation, 'It's been a week and you're still faking it. It was just a scratch from glass, no nerve or bone damage. The injuries I get playing basketball are worse than yours. How are you this delicate?'

Li Xuan slowly pulled his hand back.

Su Xingchuan's heart skipped a beat again.

'I—' He started but stopped.

'Sorry.' Li Xuan actually apologized. He stuffed his right hand into his pocket and stood up to leave.

Su Xingchuan, not even done eating, hurried after him.

At the door he remembered to buy a takeout container and dumped Li Xuan's rice into it.

He ran out carrying the container.

Luckily he was tall enough that from the top of the steps he could still spot Li Xuan's figure.

Li Xuan was walking alone into the woods.

Su Xingchuan caught up and grabbed him. 'Alright, alright, I was too harsh, sorry.'

Su Xingchuan didn't even know why he was apologizing to Li Xuan, but facing him, he always instinctively gave in.

Li Xuan looked at him steadily. 'You hate me.'

Su Xingchuan froze, then explained a bit flustered, 'No, it's not hate, it's just... I've never met a guy so delicate, I just found it... strange.'

'What's strange about it?'

Su Xingchuan couldn't put it into words, and afraid he was reading too much into it, he just brushed it aside. 'Let's eat first, I packed it for you.'

Li Xuan wouldn't let it go. 'What's strange?'

Su Xingchuan sighed. 'Nothing, you're not strange at all. A twenty-year-old needing to be fed isn't strange. The fact that I go along with it, I'm the strange one, okay?'

Li Xuan actually nodded and said seriously, 'You are strange, getting mad at me for no reason.'

'...' Su Xingchuan took a deep breath, his blood pressure spiking.

Fine.

He pulled Li Xuan down to sit on the bench.

Again, he fed Li Xuan, without complaint.

While enjoying the service, Li Xuan held up his right hand in front of Su Xingchuan and said pitifully, 'It hurts. It hurts at the slightest touch, hurts so bad I can't sleep.'

Whining and playing pitiful was as natural as breathing for Li Xuan. Su Xingchuan said, 'I'm feeding you, aren't I?'

'You said I was faking it.'

'...' Su Xingchuan was speechless.

'You apologize first.'

Su Xingchuan suspected he must have owed Li Xuan a huge debt in a past life, one so big he had to repay it in this one.

Li Xuan said it with such conviction.

Su Xingchuan was completely helpless. Feeding him, he apologized, 'Sorry, I shouldn't have said you were faking.'

Only then did Li Xuan shift his butt closer, scooting right up against Su Xingchuan.

That was his way of making up.

Su Xingchuan pushed him away, but he scooted back.

After several rounds, Su Xingchuan got tired and let him fidget. In a good mood, Li Xuan swung his legs back and forth, occasionally brushing Su Xingchuan's leg, disrupting the rhythm, and Su Xingchuan's breathing got off too. He forced himself to focus on the plastic container—Li Xuan didn't like scallions or ginger, didn't like eggs.

Li Xuan had a small appetite; halfway through he pushed Su Xingchuan's arm away. 'Done.'

Su Xingchuan handed him a napkin. 'Delicate little thing.'

Li Xuan accepted the comment with ease.

'Did your parents feed you all the way up to school? Who's like you, still needing fed at your age, aren't you embarrassed?'

Li Xuan turned his head without a word.

'You're doing it on purpose.' Su Xingchuan had seen through him long ago.

Li Xuan pursed his lips, a hint of slyness in his brows.

Su Xingchuan tossed the container into a nearby trash can and sat back down next to Li Xuan.

The afternoon was supposed to be sweltering, but the dense green leaves of the little woods blocked out the scorching sun, sending occasional cool breezes that ruffled Li Xuan's hair.

Li Xuan placed his little pig trotter on Su Xingchuan's arm again. He examined his injured hand, turning it back and forth, fiddling with the bandage tape that was already peeling. Su Xingchuan looked down too.

Li Xuan was very quiet at this moment.

Well-behaved, a bit dazed, not annoying at all.

A thought struck Su Xingchuan, and he asked delicately, 'Haven't really made any friends at school?'

It seemed he'd never seen Li Xuan walk with anyone else—whether going to the canteen or studying in the reading room, Li Xuan was always alone.

Li Xuan nodded. 'No friends.'

'Why? Not getting along with your roommates either?'

Li Xuan didn't seem to like the topic, but since Su Xingchuan asked, he answered honestly, 'Don't want to spend the time.'

'Do you talk in the dorm?'

'Sometimes.'

Su Xingchuan understood.

He guessed: the main reason Li Xuan clung to him was probably a lack of friends, being too lonely at school.

This made Su Xingchuan feel a bit more tender toward Li Xuan. He tentatively suggested, 'You could try reaching out, bring some snacks to share.'

'No.'

'Why?'

'I don't like them. I don't want to spend the time.'

'But a person can't be without friends, it gets lonely.'

'I'm not lonely,' Li Xuan said, puzzled. 'My mom and dad, and my uncles and aunt, they're all really good to me. If I have something to say, I tell them, and they all listen carefully.'

It was the first time Su Xingchuan had heard Li Xuan talk about his family.

So Li Xuan wasn't some poor lonely kid. He was just a child raised in a loving, well-off family, with a train of thought unlike most people's, a bit self-centered.

Su Xingchuan had originally thought only kids starved of affection got clingy; clearly he'd been wrong.

A bird chirped from the tree, and Li Xuan looked up.

Su Xingchuan stared blankly at Li Xuan's profile.

His face was so small, palm-sized, with delicate lashes, eyes, nose, and lips. As he searched for the bird, his mouth pursed slightly, his cheeks still chubby. Su Xingchuan reached out, as if driven by some strange force, and pinched Li Xuan's cheek.

Li Xuan's face had a bit of baby fat, it felt nice to pinch.

Su Xingchuan couldn't help pinching a few more times.

Li Xuan suddenly turned to look at him. Su Xingchuan froze, and before he could react, he saw Li Xuan lean in, and then—

kissed him on the cheek.

Su Xingchuan froze for a full five seconds.

!!!

He shot to his feet, all fluffed up like an angry cat, his face flushing and paling by turns, his speech stumbling.

'Wh-Wha—what was that? What did you just do?'

Li Xuan looked innocent, as if Su Xingchuan had scared him, and scooted his butt back.

All the unease of the past few days and Yu Qinglan's teasing finally erupted at this moment. He knew it. He just knew it.

The feeling on his cheek hadn't faded.

He forced himself to calm down.

He suppressed his racing heart and warned seriously, 'Li Xuan, let me tell you, I am not gay. I can't fall for a guy, and even less likely you. If you're gay, stay away from me. I respect your group, but don't bring trouble and burdens onto others. Don't think just because you're good-looking you can do whatever you want. I'm telling you, I will never, in this life, like guys. My orientation is normal, normal! Do you hear me?'

Li Xuan listened quietly to Su Xingchuan's outburst.

He nodded.

Su Xingchuan breathed a sigh of relief, thinking thankfully: luckily he nipped it in the bud, or the consequences would have been unthinkable.

He was just about to calm down when he heard Li Xuan ask cautiously, 'Can I kiss you one more time?'

'...'

Li Xuan said, very sensibly, 'Just on the cheek, not on the mouth.'