Chapter 42

For a split second, Yu Fan's whole body went numb.

He could feel Chen Jingshen pulling and rubbing at his hair. Those long, slender fingers were warm, kneading something even hotter than the summer heat into his brain bit by bit.

Yu Fan stared into his dark eyes, forcing his face to stay stiff, and after a few seconds finally squeezed out a hard, flat voice: 'Who... cares what you like? I'm gonna cut it.'

Chen Jingshen swept a glance over his gloomy face — redder than the roses planted in the school flowerbeds — raised an eyebrow, and said nothing.

Yu Fan felt that wasn't enough: 'I'm cutting it today when I get home.'

Chen Jingshen pressed his lips together.

“I’ll shave it all off…” As soon as Yu Fan finished speaking, a familiar premonition rose up. He frowned and asked without emotion, word by word, “Chen Jingshen, are you going to fucking laugh again?”

“No.” Chen Jingshen pulled his hand away and quickly lowered his head again to look at his Mobile Phone, so low that Yu Fan could only see half of his profile.

His hair was suddenly released, and the stale air that rushed in felt almost cool.

That strange sense of emptiness lasted only a second before Yu Fan snapped back, half-rising to lean over and hook an arm around Chen Jingshen's neck, using his palm to turn the other boy's face toward him.

Chen Jingshen dodged at first, and Yu Fan couldn't get him to turn. But then Chen Jingshen's resistance suddenly gave way, letting Yu Fan twist his face around.

And he said he wasn't smiling?

'I let it slide the last few times 'cause we were on the phone, so you think I won't hit you?' Yu Fan grabbed his face from below with one hand, demanding fiercely, 'What are you laughing at?!'

Chen Jingshen's mouth was pulled down by his grip, his expression unusually vivid: 'I was imagining what you'd look like bald.'

'Yeah,' Yu Fan tightened his arm around Chen Jingshen's neck a little more, 'then when I shave it, you better laugh your ass off right next to me, and you're not allowed to stop until school's out—'

'Also,' Chen Jingshen lifted his eyelids to look at him, his eyes smiling, 'Yu Fan, your neck is really red.'

'...'

Chen Jingshen was pulled closer, their faces too near. When Chen Jingshen spoke, his breath brushed lightly across Yu Fan's chin.

'It's like this whenever I'm angry.' After a long moment, Yu Fan's neck, ears, and face were all burning hot, and he said flatly, 'It's even redder when I'm beating someone up. Wanna see?'

Chen Jingshen blinked silently, looking almost tempted, and after a few seconds moved his lips—

Yu Fan gritted his teeth and ordered: 'Say you don't.'

Chen Jingshen: 'I don't.'

Yu Fan let him go, sat back down with his whole body burning up, and took a big gulp of the mung bean smoothie.

Whatever. Let him laugh. I just won't look, okay?

Chen Jingshen closed the game and glanced at his collar: 'Why'd you button up your shirt?'

Yu Fan only then remembered — no wonder it was so hot...

He undid it one-handed, smoothly: 'I was cold before.'

His phone rang a few times. Yu Fan picked it up and saw it was Zhang Xianjing, saying that their two desks were on duty today and he needed to come back to clean the classroom.

'The parent-teacher conference is over, everyone's gone.' Yu Fan put away his phone, picked up the mineral water bottle he'd been using as an ashtray, and nudged the person next to him. 'Back to the classroom.'

They came back late. Zhang Xianjing and Ke Ting had already washed the blackboard and windows and gone home, leaving only the floor to be cleaned.

Yu Fan picked up a broom and tossed it to Chen Jingshen: 'You sweep. I'll go rinse the mop.'

They worked fast, and soon only the hallway behind the classroom was left.

Each carrying a broom or a mop, they shuffled lazily toward the corridor. Yu Fan had just taken one step when he heard a low murmur beside him—

'I never thought she'd go through my diary... sob... what if my mom forces me to break up with you? What do I do?' the girl whimpered.

'It's okay. Even if your mom, your dad, the teachers... the whole world tries to keep us apart, as long as we love each other, no one can separate us. Don't cry anymore, okay?'

Yu Fan raised an eyebrow. The guy's voice sounded familiar.

He turned his head and saw Zhu Xu's sturdy athlete's back.

At the end of the hallway, Zhu Xu had his deskmate cornered in a dead end.

This newly caught couple of young lovers, taking advantage of the empty space, were pressed intimately together.

The golden sun was setting. They stood in the warm light, whispering for a while, and then Yu Fan watched as Zhu Xu's head dipped lower and lower. Before Yu Fan could even back away, they were kissing. Two figures stacked together, Zhu Xu's head tilted slightly, his hand pressed against the other's waist.

Both of them unconsciously tightened their grip on what they were holding.

Yu Fan snapped out of it and was about to push Chen Jingshen back inside, but the person behind him grabbed his clothes first and yanked him backward. Yu Fan lost his footing, bumped into Chen Jingshen, and they both stumbled back into the classroom.

A car horn sounded from downstairs, perfectly covering up their noise. There was no movement from the hallway — they were probably still kissing.

The classroom was even quieter than outside.

Feeling Chen Jingshen's gaze, Yu Fan curled his fingers, not turning around. A sudden, inexplicable nervousness rose in his chest, even though their distance in the stairwell had been closer than this.

After a long moment, Yu Fan turned, pushed the other without looking up, and said quietly, 'Let's go.'

Chen Jingshen glanced outside: 'Not sweeping the hallway?'

'No.' Yu Fan tugged him. '...Let's go home.'

-

That night, Yu Fan saw Zhu Xu wailing in the group chat about getting caught dating his little girlfriend.

[Zhu Xu: But we've already promised each other — we won't let anyone affect our love!]

Then can your love stop affecting other people?

Yu Fan typed that out, thought about it, and deleted it. Whatever. Posting it would probably lead to a whole argument.

After nine o'clock, he waited for a while but no video call came. So he switched out of the group chat, tapped on someone's avatar, and sent a '?'

Chen Jingshen quickly replied with a '?' too.

Yu Fan had nothing else to do, so he just called him.

Chen Jingshen took a while to pick up. He was lounging back in his chair, looking much more relaxed than usual when they video-called. He asked, 'What's up?'

'No problem-solving tonight?' Yu Fan asked.

'I'd like to, but...' Chen Jingshen paused. 'Didn't you notice something missing?'

Yu Fan was confused: 'What's missing?'

'I left too fast this afternoon. Forgot my backpack.'

'...'

Remembering why they'd left in such a hurry, Yu Fan unconsciously tightened his grip on his phone. But he squeezed too hard, and the phone slipped out of his control, slapping face-down onto the desk with a crack.

Fuck.

Yu Fan quickly scooped the phone back up and said flatly, 'Oh. Then I'll hang up.'

'Let's talk for a bit,' Chen Jingshen said.

'...'

What the hell were two guys supposed to talk about late at night? Couldn't they talk during the day when they sat together?

A door opened somewhere outside. Yu Fan instinctively glanced toward it, then picked up his phone and headed for the balcony.

Chen Jingshen watched the swaying night scene on the other end of the screen and asked, 'Your family's back?'

Yu Fan grunted in acknowledgment, braced his hand on the railing, and sat up on the balcony with practiced ease.

He suddenly remembered what he could talk to Chen Jingshen about.

He held the phone up to his face and said, 'Chen Jingshen, show me your room.'

Chen Jingshen looked momentarily surprised, then switched to the rear camera without hesitation and slowly panned around, rotating his chair to show everything.

His room matched his desk — clean, tidy, with cool tones. It was about the size of Yu Fan's entire living room.

Yu Fan looked around, then leaned back against the security bars and said, 'Move it up a bit.'

Chen Jingshen paused for a moment, then tilted the phone slightly upward.

Seeing what he wanted to see, Yu Fan squinted and asked, feigning ignorance, 'Hold on, what's that black cloth covering on the wall?'

The next second, Chen Jingshen switched the camera back to selfie mode. His expression was neutral as he said, 'A camera.'

'Why do you have something like that in your room?' Yu Fan asked. 'Doesn't it feel weird?'

'I'm used to it. I just cover it with a cloth.'

'Can't it hear sound?'

Chen Jingshen hummed in affirmation: 'No audio pickup installed.'

That was okay, then.

So Chen Jingshen wasn't as much of a pushover as Yu Fan had thought, nor as unfree. The black cloth was neatly and tightly draped — clearly a long-standing habit.

Yu Fan let out an unconscious sigh of relief and gave a lazy 'Oh.'

He'd asked what he wanted to ask, so he said, 'Done talking. I'll hang—'

'Yu Fan.' Chen Jingshen's voice came through the earbuds, suddenly calling his name. 'Have you ever been in love?'

'...'

Yu Fan's legs curled up involuntarily, and the relaxed expression on his face tightened again.

Yu Fan had been a delinquent since the second year of middle school — fighting, smoking, drinking, he'd done it all. But the one rebellious teenage activity he'd never touched was early romance.

The reason was simple: ever since he was little, whenever someone confessed to him, he'd blush. No matter when, no matter who.

Could he say that out loud? No.

'Of course. Lots of times.' Yu Fan sat up straighter, a little awkwardly, and then forced out an addition: 'With girls.'

'Really?' Chen Jingshen's eyelids drooped lazily, his expression unreadable. 'Then how come Fangqin said you've never been in a relationship?'

'Is that possible? I've had three since elementary school...' Yu Fan paused.

He had no experience, but saying thirty-something was a bit much, right?

'Thirteen,' he finished flatly. 'Never got caught by a teacher.'

Chen Jingshen: 'Elementary school? What grade?'

This was what they called one lie needing a hundred more to cover it up.

Yu Fan wanted to smoke. He reached for the cigarette pack but then inexplicably remembered what Zhu Xu had said in the group chat that day... so he held back.

As he made up the story, his gaze couldn't help wandering. It drifted to the certificate of merit on the wall inside the room, and inspiration struck—

'Fourth grade, during a summer camp.' Yu Fan said. 'That one you saw last time, the Fei-something summer camp, remember? I got an award, right? Said I was helpful.'

'...'

Yu Fan didn't notice the expression on the person in the video suddenly turn a bit complicated, and kept spinning his tale: 'The person I helped — that was my first girlfriend.'

'...'

There was a long silence on the video. Yu Fan waited for a while, then frowned: 'Are you listening?'

'I heard you.' After a long pause, Chen Jingshen finally spoke. 'How long did it last, and what kind of... elementary school student was she?'

'Why do you have so many questions?!'

To be honest, Yu Fan had completely forgotten about this.

There had been too much upheaval at home. Everything before the first year of middle school was a blur. Or maybe he just resisted remembering.

After all, a long time ago, there had been another person in his life. After that person left, he'd subconsciously stopped thinking about anyone or anything from before.

He stared at the certificate for a moment, and could only vaguely recall—

'A pretty crybaby of an elementary schooler,' Yu Fan said. 'It was too long ago. I don't remember clearly.'

'I see.'

Having finished his story, Yu Fan let out a breath and was about to lean back against the security bars—

'Then have you ever kissed anyone?'

'...'

The bars felt like they were electrified. The moment Yu Fan touched them, he shot upright.

Thirteen relationships, never kissed — that didn't fucking add up, did it?

Yu Fan blinked about ten times before forcing out a single syllable: '...Yeah!'

Chen Jingshen raised an eyebrow: 'Also with that elementary schooler?'

Was that even possible? Elementary schoolers didn't know shit.

But Yu Fan really didn't want to make up another fucking relationship history, so he steeled himself again: '...Yeah.'

Chen Jingshen curled his finger and pressed it against the tip of his nose: 'That young... how did you kiss?'

'How the fuck do you think? Kissed hard! Kissed till our lips were chapped...' Yu Fan closed his eyes, unable to go on. 'Why are you asking about this?!'

Chen Jingshen was quiet for a moment, then said honestly, 'Never done it, so I'm curious.'

Figured as much. You've never kissed anyone, you study nerd.

Yu Fan had spun the lie so well he almost believed it himself. When he looked at Chen Jingshen, there was even a hint of a veteran looking down on a rookie. As he watched, his eyes unconsciously drifted downward.

Chen Jingshen had a high nose bridge. When Yu Fan had had his arm around his neck this afternoon, he'd almost touched it. And his lips were thin, the line of them looking a bit cold. Kissing him probably wouldn't be very— Do I have a fucking problem?!

Yu Fan was stunned by his own thought, his whole body even stiffer than when he'd been making up the story.

His phone dinged. Wang Luan'an was messaging him to play games.

The mouth he'd been staring at suddenly opened and closed. Before the other person could speak, Yu Fan, without a second thought and in a panic, hung up the video.

[s: ?]

[s: How did you two break up later?]

Yu Fan wiped his face, reached down for the cigarette pack, and only calmed down after smoking one.

[-: Breaking up is a painful memory. Why do you keep asking?]

[-: Going to play games. Ask again and I'll block you.]

Yu Fan played games very seriously tonight. For a rare occasion, he battled with his bros until two in the morning.

As a result, the moment he put down his phone and his head hit the pillow, he fell into a deep, dazed sleep.

For the past few years, Yu Fan had dreamed almost every night.

Aside from some bizarre dreams, the rest were mostly the same — the only difference was whether he won or lost. Some were memories, some were fantasies.

Even a few months ago, his dreams were either about him dying or Yu Kaiming dying. Back then, when he woke up, he'd have to lie in bed for a while to make sure he was actually awake and not having an out-of-body experience.

But since the new semester started, those dreams had gradually become less frequent. He started having simple, easy-to-understand dreams.

Like tonight—

He dreamed of the stairwell in the experimental building. Chen Jingshen was sitting on the steps, head down, laughing quietly. And he himself leaned over, hooked his arm around Chen Jingshen's neck, and forced him to look up.

Chen Jingshen let him do it. The moment he lifted his head, he also raised his hand, threading it into Yu Fan's hair, and pulled him down—

Chen Jingshen silently rubbed against his cheek, then his nose, and finally touched his lips.

...

-

Early the next morning.

The moment Chen Jingshen walked into the classroom, he felt someone glare at him with murderous intent.

Sensing it, he looked over and saw his deskmate throw his long-unworn school uniform jacket over the desk and bury his whole head in his arms.

Chen Jingshen sat down in his seat, reached over, and knocked on the desk next to him: 'Did you eat breakfast?'

No answer.

After a moment, Chen Jingshen placed the homework he'd rushed to finish beside him: 'Get up and copy the homework.'

No answer.

Just before morning reading, Zuo Kuan came over from the next class, saying he was too sleepy and wanted them to go smoke before class.

Wang Luan'an: 'Shh, keep it down. You and I can go. Yu Fan's asleep...'

The moment he finished, Yu Fan shot up, stuffed a cigarette into his pocket without a word, and stood up silently.

The person who usually kicked Chen Jingshen's chair to make him move out of the way today didn't even look back. He stepped onto his chair, leaped, and vaulted out the window, heading straight for the bathroom.

Wang Luan'an, Zuo Kuan: '?'

Chen Jingshen: '...'

He got it now. He wasn't really asleep — he was ignoring him.

Ten minutes later, morning reading began.

The Chinese language class representative was still asking the Chinese language teacher which lesson to read today. Chen Jingshen reached out his arm and touched the person next to him.

The moment their arms made contact, Yu Fan yanked his away like he'd been burned.

Chen Jingshen: '...'

He tapped his pen against the desk and turned his head: 'Did I do something to piss you off?'

His deskmate didn't move a muscle, staring at his textbook, and said coldly, 'No.'

Chen Jingshen glanced at his bright red ears: 'Then why are you mad at me first thing in the morning?'