12

Xu Yan wasn't home—the kind who'd open the door even at three in the morning—but Shen Zhi had now been waiting at the door for ten minutes with no response. A baseless irritation rose in him. He pinched the bridge of his nose, leaned against the corridor wall, stared at the front door for a while, then opened his phone and saw a Weibo push notification from ten minutes ago, alerting him that his specially-followed account had just posted—the specially-followed account was Xu Yan's.

The special-follow setting had of course been Xu Yan's doing, but Shen Zhi didn't see the point of it, because Xu Yan didn't use Weibo at all. His most recent post was from over two years ago—Xu Yan couldn't even remember which match had prompted it—where he'd gone on Weibo to curse the national football team, and their mutual friends had all liked it.

Shen Zhi tapped the push notification, and the page jumped straight to Xu Yan's post from ten minutes ago. Only two words: Going home! Geotagged in Lhasa, with nine photos attached. Shen Zhi opened them one by one and saw a face that wasn't unfamiliar—Ji Huai.

The photos were clearly Xu Yan's work—worthy of the well-known photographer he'd been in college. Even straight out of a DSLR, they were a pleasure to look at: the scenery, the portraits, the composition, all top-tier professional. Of the nine photos, three were of Ji Huai, three were pure scenery, and three were of him and Ji Huai together, arms slung over each other's shoulders, smiles wide and bright. Every shot was a masterpiece, and though it had only been ten minutes since posting, the comments had already exploded with mutual acquaintances praising Xu Yan's photography and asking who the handsome guy beside him was. One girl, probably a high school classmate of Xu Yan's, typed a string of exclamation marks: You two!!! Am I shipping the real deal here?????!!!!

Xu Yan replied: Huh? Shipping what? What real deal?

The girl: Nothing, just kswl [heart]

Another comment stood out—Shen Zhi vaguely remembered it was from someone who'd been quite close to Xu Yan in college. It said: Oh no, how are you going to explain this to Shen when you get back [smirk]

That comment had been the earliest one, but Xu Yan had never replied to it, skipping over it to respond to everyone else.

Shen Zhi exited Weibo and checked the flights. If Xu Yan was coming back today, he'd land around eight in the evening. Shen Zhi switched to WeChat, messaged his assistant to book a nearby hotel, then pocketed his phone and walked toward the elevator.

After getting off the plane, Xu Yan and Ji Huai found a hotpot place for dinner. Xu Nian forcefully inserted himself partway through, and after they ate he mapped out the route: he'd send Xu Yan home first, then send Ji Huai home, and finally go to his girlfriend's place to sleep. Blissfully, hehe.

Xu Yan had met his girlfriend before—a glamorous older-sister type. Xu Nian had always preferred older women; every girlfriend he'd dated was more than four years older than him. He genuinely loved the mature and the striking. He'd been with this girl for almost two years now, and Xu Nian had mentioned planning to get engaged this year... Engagement. The word alone made his mood complicated. Xu Yan stood on the roadside rubbing his eyes, telling himself to stop connecting anything to Shen Zhi.

But he hadn't expected that the person he'd meant to leave in the past and never mention again would actually be standing at his door.

Xu Yan was on the phone with Ji Huai as the elevator descended. Apparently Xu Nian had received a message from his girlfriend halfway through—she'd had something come up at the Company and needed to go in. She'd told Xu Nian to go home obediently and wait for her to finish before coming to find him. Xu Yan heard his brother wailing loudly on the other end, asking Ji Huai whether sister didn't love him anymore and didn't want to see him. Ji Huai soothed him while still on the phone with Xu Yan, giving him a live broadcast of Xu Nian's foolishness.

"I miss sister so much... she's been on a business trip for a week. I thought I could see her tonight." Xu Nian sobbed.

Ji Huai: "She'll come find you later."

Xu Nian: "Who knows how long 'later' is, wuwu..."

Ji Huai: "Cry if you want to cry, but stop hugging me—you're getting snot on my clothes."

"He's an idiot." The elevator doors opened and Xu Yan pulled his suitcase out, saying, "Let him cry, don't—" His voice cut off the moment he saw the person in the corridor. Ji Huai asked on the other end, "What's wrong?" Xu Yan said "Nothing, hanging up first," put down his phone, and stood still.

About five or six meters apart, Shen Zhi stood beneath a corridor light, looking at him. From that face Xu Yan read everything familiar: impatience, coldness, simmering anger... each one something he'd dreaded seeing yet had been forced to face often over the past few years. Each one. Neither of them spoke at that moment, but in the crossing of their gazes Xu Yan realized once more—he should never have tried to get what he wanted from Shen Zhi. Before, he'd amused himself shamelessly, sunk in a laughable relationship and unable to pull free. But after leaving and walking freely for a while, Xu Yan found he couldn't bear any of it anymore.

Every bit he figured out was like shedding a heavy layer of clothing. Xu Yan felt lighter inside and stepped forward. His gaze at Shen Zhi was calm, but his heart wasn't—like, he thought, Shen Zhi would soon be engaged, would be someone's husband. Sounded even more attractive... What would Shen Zhi be like with someone, up close? He didn't know. Xu Yan had never felt it, so he couldn't imagine.

"Something?" Xu Yan walked over, took out his key to open the door, and asked casually, "Business trip go okay?" Actually he'd originally wanted to ask where the engagement venue was and how the scenery looked, but he let it go—too gossipy. Shen Zhi would get that annoyed face again, or reply with some cold "none of your business," and that would just be asking for a snub. Xu Yan pushed the door open. He was exhausted, wanted nothing more than to shower and collapse into bed, and didn't really feel like talking.

He wasn't that magnanimous either. His 'ex-boyfriend' was about to get engaged, and they'd only just split up half a month ago. Xu Yan's mood was complicated—seemed like Tibet hadn't purified his soul. He'd have to go again when he had time.

The door only opened halfway before it stopped. Xu Yan looked down at the hand that had reached past him—Shen Zhi had grabbed the door and wouldn't let him push it open. Xu Yan turned to look at him and asked, "What, I can't even come back to my own home?"

Shen Zhi stared into his eyes for a moment, then withdrew his hand and said, "You went traveling."

Xu Yan let out a weary sigh, turned around and leaned against the door frame, and said lazily, "Yeah."

"With someone else," Shen Zhi added.

Xu Yan nodded. "That's right."

He looked frank, nonchalant, and had no intention of explaining. Shen Zhi's expression darkened and his voice dropped: "Why didn't you tell me."

Xu Yan had been so sleepy his eyelids were drooping, but hearing this finally roused him a little. He looked up at Shen Zhi, genuinely puzzled: "Why would I tell you?" Was that reasonable? Xu Yan now suspected Shen Zhi's brain had broken from exhaustion—how could he ask something like that. He asked seriously, "You came all this way just to quiz me on my Lhasa travel homework?"

Shen Zhi had no interest in trading barbs with him. He looked away at Xu Yan's suitcase—the airline baggage tag was still stuck to it, crumpled. The case was orange. Shen Zhi remembered that a few months ago Xu Yan had said he wanted to buy a new suitcase, had shown him a picture, and asked if orange looked good. Shen Zhi had glanced at it and said, "Ugly." He'd said ugly, and Xu Yan had thought it ugly too, and immediately bought a plain, versatile black one instead.

But now Xu Yan had bought this color again, as if... what he'd said before no longer counted.

After a long silence, Shen Zhi finally asked, "When are you coming back?" Running away from home, seeing friends, letting his heart wander—if this went on any longer, Shen Zhi wasn't sure he still had the patience to wait him out.

"Back where?" Xu Yan frowned, and as it gradually dawned on him, his expression turned incredulous. "Back to your place?" Shen Zhi said nothing, as if by default.

Xu Yan slowly straightened up, his gaze wandering over Shen Zhi's face. He knew Shen Zhi wouldn't make this kind of joke. He couldn't believe it—that Shen Zhi would stand here, all because he still didn't know their relationship had ended, still firmly believed Xu Yan would shamelessly come back.

"Shen Zhi." Xu Yan's expression was absurd and self-mocking. His voice hoarse, he asked softly, "Do I really look that cheap?" Cheap enough to pine one-sidedly for four years and still be content with it, cheap enough to know you were getting engaged and still hover around you... Xu Yan knew Shen Zhi had always thought he was thick-skinned, but he truly hadn't expected that, in Shen Zhi's eyes, he really was just a shameless idiot with no dignity.

His emotions churned and tumbled, all of it forcefully swallowed down by Xu Yan. He saw Shen Zhi freeze for a second, frown, and ask, "What do you mean?"

Xu Yan suddenly laughed—no meaning behind it, he just felt like laughing. He shook his head wearily. He wanted to say breakup, but couldn't get the word out—not out of reluctance or nostalgia, but because that word was too commonly used for couples. But looking back now, he and Shen Zhi really couldn't count as having dated; after all, the other had never treated him as a boyfriend—so he needed a different way to phrase it, to put a period on this relationship.

He slowly let the laugh fade, raised his head, let his gaze pass over Shen Zhi's hair to the corridor light, and said, "I mean, we're over."