Chapter 22

After dinner, the two brothers drank too much. The cause was that when the small Cake was brought out, Xu Nian suddenly grabbed Xu Yan's hand and said earnestly: 'Ge, my birthday wish is that you can have a free, sunny, love-filled new life. Whatever you can't get from other people in other places, we'll give to you.'

Damn it, Xu Yan felt his eyes sting at that moment, almost about to cry pathetically. Fortunately, Xu Nian then grabbed Ji Huai's hand and stuffed it into Xu Yan's palm, saying: 'A heartless cold-faced guy isn't easy to find, two-legged tall-rich-handsome types are everywhere. Look, Ji Huai-ge is pretty good.' Xu Yan pulled his hand out and smacked him on the head, all his moved feelings instantly gone.

But still, he was moved, so he drank too much. Xu Nian got the most drunk because it was his birthday, he had two ges to keep him company, and midway his girlfriend called with birthday greetings. Xu Yan also promised him he'd go home the day after tomorrow to kneel before their parents—Xu Nian was so happy he couldn't find north.

On the way back, Ji Huai drove. Xu Yan told Xu Nian to sleep at his place for the night; after all, his girlfriend was on a business trip and couldn't take him in, and they couldn't send him to their parents' place or he'd get beaten. Coming out of the elevator, Xu Nian hung on Ji Huai like wet mud while Xu Yan blankly fumbled through his pockets looking for his keys. Xu Nian, his face flushed red, looked at him for a few seconds and said: 'Ge, I have a key to your place too, I'll open it for you.' He reached for his key, but his hand ended up in Ji Huai's pants pocket by mistake.

Ji Huai gripped his paw and said quietly: 'Don't grope around.'

Xu Yan gave up on his brother and finally found the key in his own pocket. But when he looked up, he saw someone standing at his door.

It was Shen Zhi—the Shen Zhi he'd recognize even as ashes. Xu Yan's mind was a tangled mess; he didn't know what he'd come for this time. While he was still in a daze, a tearing shout came from behind: 'Shen! Zhi!'

A gust of wind swept past Xu Yan's ear as Xu Nian darted past him, fist swinging toward Shen Zhi's face. Before Xu Yan could stop him, another gust swept past his ear—Ji Huai had stepped forward and pulled him back.

Luckily the neighbors weren't home these past few days, otherwise this scene would definitely get them called out for disturbing the peace.

'What are you here for!' Xu Nian viciously swung his fists. 'You still have the nerve to come! What have you done to my brother, what have you done to him!' Hearing him finish, Xu Yan instinctively touched his own lower abdomen—flat, and it didn't hurt—Xu Nian's lines gave him the melodramatic illusion that he'd gotten pregnant for Shen Zhi and then miscarried.

The scene in front of him was absurd, like a cartoon. Ji Huai was a leash, Xu Nian was a vicious dog restrained by it, and Shen Zhi happened to be standing just outside the danger zone—no matter how far Xu Nian stretched his hand, he couldn't reach him. Shen Zhi looked past Xu Nian's shoulder at Xu Yan, his Adam's apple moving, and called: 'Xu Yan.'

'You're not allowed to call my brother's name!' Xu Nian shouted. 'Get lost right now! Otherwise I'll die together with you today!'

His dear brother gets chuunibyou the moment he gets drunk. Xu Yan finally came back to himself, stumbled over to stand in front of Shen Zhi, and tried to coax Xu Nian: 'Niannian, forget it, forget it.' But after saying it, a meme suddenly flashed through his mind—a puppy blocking a little rooster, captioned 'Brother Rooster, forget it, forget it.' Thinking of that, he suddenly laughed at the most inappropriate moment.

'You still have the mood to laugh?' Xu Nian stood up straight, blankly staring at Xu Yan. 'Ge, how can you still laugh?'

'Someone like him, you should let me beat him up! When you came out to the family and had a falling out for him, where was he? Dad's slap hit your face, half your face swelled up! Where was he! Every New Year when I called you to come home, you always said no. You said in case Shen Zhi went back after New Year with his parents, you had to stay home and wait for him!'

Xu Nian's eyes were red, his teeth chattering: 'Then let me ask you—has he ever spent New Year's Eve with you? You love photography so much. When you graduated, a magazine sent you an offer, but just because it was in another city, you gave it up. You clearly could have done what you wanted much earlier, but you didn't dare to be long-distance. You knew in your heart, once you were long-distance, you two would be over—because he doesn't love you!'

'He simply doesn't love you. What gives you the right to suffer for him like that! What did you get?! You were eighteen when you fell for him. Over six years, almost seven. Spending so much feeling on someone like that—do you have even a little regret? If you'd given up earlier, come home, like now—wouldn't you be happier?'

'Ge, do you know how much I hated the old you? As if in the whole world there was nothing you cared about besides Shen Zhi. But you're my brother... I, and Mom and Dad, we all so hoped you'd be doing a little better...' At the end, Xu Nian started crying outright, sobbing and panting between breaths. Ji Huai gently patted his back without speaking.

The hallway went quiet for a moment. Xu Yan didn't turn to look at Shen Zhi's expression, and didn't dare look up at Xu Nian. He felt guilty. That was his dearest brother. How much he'd been hurt for Shen Zhi—Xu Nian didn't say it out loud, but the sadness in his heart was no less, and Xu Yan knew it all. Only he had been too foolish before, always living in illusory expectations and fantasies, unwilling to pull himself out. It was his fault.

He doesn't love you. These words torn out by Xu Nian—Xu Yan actually felt such relief, such relief.

Xu Yan turned sideways, took out his key and opened the door, then turned to Ji Huai and said: 'Take him inside first. Wash his face.'

Ji Huai nodded, bent down and hoisted the still-whimpering Xu Nian onto his shoulder, and went inside. Xu Yan closed the door, leaned against the wall a bit tiredly, looked down at the floor, and asked: 'What are you here for again.'

Shen Zhi was slightly stunned, unable to say a single word. Xu Nian's words seemed to still be echoing—about things he had never known. Like Xu Yan had come out to his family and been slapped. Like Xu Yan waited every New Year's Eve for him to come home, only to be left waiting year after year. Like Xu Yan had once given up a desired offer because he wanted to stay by his side. Like... Xu Yan had been eighteen, his first year of college, when he fell for him.

When these unheard-of truths burst through time and presented themselves all at once, the only thing Shen Zhi could think was that compared to Xu Yan's love, his own feelings that he still couldn't fully grasp were utterly dwarfed. Xu Yan had already loved him to such an extent, while he was still trying to find the answer—what was there left to find? If the source of everything was that cup of wine from the beginning, did it really still matter now?

'I...' His voice was so hoarse it was hard to hear. Shen Zhi swallowed, then barely managed to continue: 'I wanted to come see you.'

'You've seen me now. Then what?' Xu Yan raised his head, both eyes red—not because of Shen Zhi. He had decided to pull away; he wouldn't generate any emotion for this person anymore. He was just a little sad—that he had once loved Shen Zhi so much. Burning, tenacious, sincere, all-in, reckless. But that kind of feeling hadn't received even a tiny bit in return, and he would permanently lose the ability to love someone like that. He had lost his former self.

So love is a serious illness; if it can't be cured, it's destined to wilt and fade, rotting to ash.

'Xu Yan.' Shen Zhi looked at him, an unknowing pain in his eyes. He said, 'I didn't know you...'

'It doesn't matter. It's all in the past.' Xu Yan lightly cut him off. 'Nothing important.'

Shen Zhi stared at his reddened eye corners, his fingers curling then loosening, stiff like an old marionette. He raised his hand to touch Xu Yan's face, but Xu Yan turned his head away coldly, avoiding it, and asked: 'What exactly is the matter?' Just wanted to come see him? Who would believe that.

'If you have nothing, I have something.' Xu Yan continued.

Shen Zhi was stunned for a moment. 'What?'

'Your study desk, the bottom drawer on the right, there's a small box, inside is a stack of DSLR Storage Cards and a few USB drives.' Xu Yan said, 'Please find them when you get back and mail them to me. I'll text you the address.'

He had left so quickly before that he'd left behind quite a few odds and ends. Two days ago, Lu Sen suddenly asked him if he had any of his old works to study, and only then did Xu Yan remember that the Storage Card and USB drive were still at Shen Zhi's place. From the first time he picked up a Camera to take photos, hundreds of gigabytes of memories—scenery from dozens of cities, countless people who had appeared in the lens—were too precious. He guessed that Shen Zhi had probably long since had someone throw away his clothes and daily necessities, but the study had few traces of him, so Shen Zhi probably hadn't had it thoroughly cleaned out.

'Nothing else. I hope we never meet again.' After Xu Yan finished, he turned and pushed the door to go back inside, but Shen Zhi quickly grabbed his wrist, rarely with some urgency: 'Xu Yan, wait.'

'Not waiting.' Xu Yan turned his head. He didn't struggle, but that gaze had already resolutely separated the two of them thousands of miles apart. 'I waited long enough for you before. From now on, I don't want to wait even a second.' He pulled his hand free, went inside without looking back, and closed the door.

Xu Nian was lying on Xu Yan's bed, head pillowed on Ji Huai's lap, mumbling: 'Shen Zhi is an ice block, right—he didn't make a sound except calling my brother's name... and how is he so tall.' He was a little sober now, relieved he hadn't actually smashed his fist into Shen Zhi's face—otherwise he'd have caused Xu Yan to get entangled again.

'Was I too harsh just now? To my brother.' Xu Nian closed his eyes, his nose red, and asked Ji Huai.

'No.' Ji Huai looked down at him. 'You weren't wrong.'

'That's good.' Xu Nian fell asleep at ease.

Xu Yan stood quietly behind the front door for a while, then walked toward the master bedroom. His head was a bit dizzy. He gently pushed open the door and saw Ji Huai help Xu Nian adjust his sleeping position, stand up, and cover him with a blanket. Xu Yan was about to go in, but then saw Ji Huai maintain his leaning posture, curl his fingers, and very gently brush Xu Nian's face—his gaze extremely focused, as if the whole world contained only the two of them.

That kind of motion, that kind of expression... if Xu Yan hadn't fallen for men, he might not have thought much of it. But unfortunately, he had loved Shen Zhi for over six years—he understood too well what this meant.

Why was it like this? One wave not yet settled, another rises. Xu Yan thought somewhat dazedly: Heavens, why did you let me see this.