Chapter 33

Just out the door, he ran into Lu Sen, who was carrying sushi back to his room. Lu Sen paused and asked Xu Yan, "Are you hungry too?"

Xu Yan shook his head. "No, I'm going downstairs for a bit."

"Feeling sorry for him?" Lu Sen saw Xu Yan in such a hurry and smiled knowingly. "When I told you earlier the hotel was full, I wasn't lying to you."

Xu Yan's mind was a mess right now. He walked toward the elevator and said, "Let him come sleep with you."

Lu Sen answered with great generosity, "Sure, no problem."

It really was colder outside. Xu Yan walked out of the hotel, his steps pausing for a moment before he continued down the stairs. Shen Zhi stood there with his head lowered, motionless, like a frozen frame from a film. Hearing the sound, he raised his head. Xu Yan was already standing in front of him, his complexion visibly poor, but Shen Zhi seemed not to notice, only asking softly, "Why did you come out in slippers? The snow is slippery."

"You're not wearing enough clothes either, it's so cold outside."

Many complicated emotions—helplessness and irritation among them—were suddenly blocked by those two sentences. Xu Yan looked at Shen Zhi's reddened nose and face from the cold, and a sense of frustration rose in his heart. He might be able to harden his heart and say countless decisive words, but he truly couldn't bear to see Shen Zhi suffer—physical suffering, perhaps a serious aftereffect of having been a bao mu for four years. As for the psychological kind, Xu Yan didn't know what Shen Zhi was thinking, and had no interest in knowing.

"What exactly did you come here for?" Xu Yan asked him.

"I just thought of it—earlier you said you wanted to come to Hokkaido to see the snow together." Shen Zhi said, "So I came."

When had he said that? Xu Yan himself had forgotten, only had a vague impression. He often chattered in front of Shen Zhi about wanting this and wanting that, as if there wasn't a single thing in the world he didn't want to do—on the condition that it was with Shen Zhi. But he also knew clearly that Shen Zhi hadn't been listening at all, so many of the things Xu Yan said he forgot himself, just talking to himself—the bitter norm.

Xu Yan said nothing, turned and went back to the hotel. Shen Zhi watched his figure disappear, then lowered his head again.

At the front desk, Xu Yan asked if there were any empty rooms. The receptionist told him there weren't. But Xu Yan didn't leave immediately, still standing there, which made the receptionist a bit confused—did he need any other help? Xu Yan shook his head and said, sorry to trouble you, please add an extra blanket to my room.

He went back out, stood on the steps, and called to Shen Zhi, "Come up." Shen Zhi suddenly raised his head to look at him, his eyes brightening, but Xu Yan had already turned and gone back into the hotel after speaking.

Silent the whole way, back in the room, Xu Yan dug out a new pair of underwear from his suitcase—might be a bit small for Shen Zhi, but wear it or don't. He also took the yukata for the hot spring from the rack and tossed it all on the bed, then walked toward the door and said, "Go take a shower."

Shen Zhi had been standing by the door without moving. Seeing Xu Yan about to leave, he grabbed Xu Yan's hand and asked, "It's so late, where are you going?"

His hand was too cold, like a block of ice, his whole body stiff from the cold, radiating chill. Xu Yan tried to pull free but couldn't, and said in a lukewarm tone, "To my colleague's place."

Shen Zhi looked at his profile, was quiet for a few seconds, then said, "I'll leave right now, don't go, get some sleep."

"I have something to discuss with him." Xu Yan said. He pulled again, and this time Shen Zhi didn't use force, let go, and let him out.

Xu Yan, who wasn't hungry, stayed in Lu Sen's room for twenty minutes, ate three of his taiyaki and four hand rolls. When he was about to leave, Lu Sen asked, "Want to take some back for your... acquaintance to eat?"

"No, it's none of my business." Xu Yan said, "I'm going back, goodnight."

"Good~night~" Lu Sen's tone was quite teasing.

The door was ajar. Xu Yan pushed it open, glanced at the bed—the extra blanket had already been delivered. Pulling his gaze back, he saw Shen Zhi sitting on a cushion at the small table drinking water, his hair half-dry, wearing a navy-blue kimono-style yukata, slender hands, straight shoulders, a sharp jawline—there was a kind of composed, elegant geometric beauty to him.

Actually, after separating from Shen Zhi, Xu Yan had once tried to persuade himself to see more of the world, to avoid being like a frog at the bottom of the well in matters of aesthetics. After working at the magazine, he'd seen plenty of actors and idols, stunning faces everywhere, but Xu Yan had never found in anyone else a feeling similar to what Shen Zhi gave him. What exactly that feeling was, he couldn't say, and that was the most fatal part—because he didn't know what it was, he couldn't find a substitute, and it left him unsettled.

At this moment Xu Yan was certain he was a hopeless face-con, still able to sincerely think Shen Zhi was good-looking at a time like this. Going around in circles, he was still that frog in the end, trapped at the bottom of the well, completely blindfolded.

The two looked at each other for a moment. Xu Yan closed the door and went to brush his teeth in the bathroom. He'd planned to just go straight to bed, but a WeChat call suddenly rang—again, that pest Xu Nian. Xu Yan sat on the edge of the bed and picked up, just as Shen Zhi happened to ask him, "Want some water?"

Xu Nian was about to speak when he heard another male voice from Xu Yan's side, and immediately became alert. "Ge, there's someone in your room?" It was almost midnight, and earlier on WeChat Lu Sen had told him everyone had already wrapped up and gone to rest, so why was there someone else in Xu Yan's room?

Xu Yan, for reasons he didn't understand himself, answered, "No." Actually, if he'd said it was a colleague it would've been fine, but Shen Zhi was sitting right there in his room, and Xu Nian hated Shen Zhi so much—Xu Yan suddenly felt guilty.

"Impossible, I clearly heard him ask if you wanted water." Xu Nian said, "Ge, you're guilty, what are you guilty about?"

"What did you want me for?" Xu Yan changed the subject.

Now Xu Nian couldn't remember at all what he'd wanted to say to Xu Yan. He got excited. "Right? There's someone in your room and you don't want to tell me, right?!"

Xu Yan: "..."

"Ge!" Xu Nian suddenly raised his voice, "It's fine! Let me tell you, 2020 had no 1, so you and Shen Zhi broke up, you were destined to break up. Now it's 2021, there's a 1! It's only right that you've met someone else, am I right?!"

His tone was so loud that Shen Zhi heard it clearly too, and raised his head to look at Xu Yan. Xu Yan's face was like dead water. If he had committed a crime, the law would punish him—not let an idiot little brother like this torment him.

"When you were four, you climbed up to the third-floor balcony with a kite on your back wanting to fly down. I shouldn't have held you back." After saying that, Xu Yan hung up the voice call.

The room returned to quiet. Xu Yan took off his coat, pulled back the covers and lay down, closed his eyes. Soon he felt the light dim—Shen Zhi had turned off the light in the living area, walked over, and the other side of the bed sank slightly as Shen Zhi lay down too. Sleeping in the same bed again after several months, Xu Yan only felt heavy, even a little oppressed, his chest tight and uncomfortable.

The bedside lamp was turned off, plunging everything into darkness. Xu Yan opened his eyes. He knew he definitely wouldn't be able to fall asleep quickly tonight, so he stopped struggling pointlessly, just zoned out like this, and eventually when he got tired enough he'd fall asleep.

About two minutes passed, Shen Zhi moved, shifted his sleeping position. Xu Yan hadn't paid it any mind, still staring blankly at the darkness in front of him, but Shen Zhi suddenly moved closer, one arm reaching around from behind to hold Xu Yan's waist, his forehead pressed against the back of Xu Yan's neck. Xu Yan's whole body stiffened at once, his back going numb, his heart suddenly beating fast.

"Xu Yan." Shen Zhi spoke in a low voice, the sound traveling from Xu Yan's back to his ear, very close. He said, "Can you give me some time."

"I want to pursue you." Shen Zhi said, "I know it's hard for you to accept, you don't have to give me an answer right away." Because any answer given immediately would certainly be a refusal, just like Xu Yan's instinctive resistance at the hotel entrance.

"I just hope you'll give me a chance, some time. I'm not like you—I don't have such a good personality, I don't have a family like yours. I'm far behind you, but I'll learn."

His tone was low and serious, but Xu Yan only felt it was absurd—that there would come a day when he heard Shen Zhi say he had a good personality. He'd always thought Shen Zhi considered him an annoying two-faced pest.

"You don't need to learn." Xu Yan finally said, "There's no possibility between us, I don't like you." He thought darkness really did have its benefits—at least it let a person lie fluently.

Shen Zhi suddenly held him tighter, about to say something, but Xu Yan spoke again, "People have to take responsibility for what they've done. Whatever you did before, you have to accept the consequences."

"Letting you in to sleep tonight doesn't mean anything else, don't read too much into it. I'm tired, if you still want to talk, please go outside."

His tone was very stiff. After a long while, Shen Zhi slowly let go of him, and Xu Yan heard him say, "Okay, I won't bother you anymore."

The silent darkness seemed to devour everything. Xu Yan's throat rolled hard as he swallowed down all those unnamed things in his chest that were trying to revive.

That night Xu Yan didn't sleep well. He was a light sleeper to begin with. In the early hours, vaguely hearing Shen Zhi draw a sharp breath, he immediately opened his eyes. For a moment Xu Yan almost instinctively reached for the light to ask if Shen Zhi's stomach hurt—this had happened often over the past few years. Shen Zhi would suddenly get stomach pain in the middle of the night, and Xu Yan would wake up the moment he heard Shen Zhi's abnormal breathing, get him medicine, pour hot water.

But Xu Yan quickly sobered up—now is now.

He maintained his position lying on his side, feeling Shen Zhi curl up into a ball behind him, softly hissing breaths, then coughing a few times restrainedly—probably caught a cold from standing in the snow too long. Soon, Shen Zhi got out of bed, reached over and tucked Xu Yan's covers up a bit. He walked to the bathroom, closed the door partway, made a phone call. Xu Yan vaguely heard him say a few words in Japanese, then Shen Zhi came out of the bathroom, very quietly opened the room door and went out.

Within a few minutes, Shen Zhi came back. Xu Yan heard the sounds of opening pill packaging and pouring water. He roughly figured it out—Shen Zhi had called the hotel to send medicine up, and was afraid the staff's knocking would wake him up, so he'd stood outside the door waiting in advance.

He heard Shen Zhi coughing. The sound was clearly very quiet—Shen Zhi was obviously holding back. But Xu Yan felt it was too clear, as if it rang right by his ear, then struck against his heart, again and again.

A few minutes later, Shen Zhi tidied up the table, washed his hands and came back to the bed, but didn't go to his own side—instead he walked to Xu Yan's side. Xu Yan immediately closed his eyes—even though in this light there was no need to worry about Shen Zhi discovering he was awake. He felt Shen Zhi gently stroke his hair, cool fingertips brushing past his cheek.

Shen Zhi stood there for a few more seconds before going back to the bed, picked up his pillow and put it at the foot of the bed, lay down with his head at the other end—to avoid passing his cold to Xu Yan. After that, his breathing was irregular for a long time, occasionally muffled low coughs, clearly not asleep.

Winter nights are longer than days, but Xu Yan felt that tonight seemed to have no end at all, especially hard to endure. Each of them lay awake on the same bed, the distance between them very far, no possibility of drawing closer.

Once Xu Yan had said he wanted to come to Hokkaido with Shen Zhi to see the snow. Back then neither of them had expected it to be realized in a situation like this.