32

"It's someone..." Xu Yan paused, "I know."

"Then you two talk, I'll head up first." Lu Sen said.

He said this when the two of them had already walked up to Shen Zhi. Xu Yan said "there's nothing to talk about" and went up the steps with Lu Sen. Shen Zhi reached out and caught his arm, calling him: "Xu Yan."

"Sss—" Lu Sen laughed and said, "Better talk after all." Saying this, he took the things from Xu Yan's hands. "I'll bring these up for you first." He glanced at Shen Zhi, not expecting the other to be looking at him too. That gaze... wasn't exactly aggressive, but being stared at like that was genuinely pressuring.

Lu Sen went back to the hotel. Xu Yan stood on the steps, half a head taller than Shen Zhi, but he quickly stepped down the stairs. Because from this angle looking down, Shen Zhi's slightly upturned face gazing up at him looked inexplicably gentle, and for an instant Xu Yan's heart softened—once he stepped onto the ground it was much better. He realized he really did have masochistic tendencies in front of Shen Zhi.

"Don't tell me you're also staying at this hotel." Xu Yan said.

Shen Zhi shook his head: "No." He said, "I didn't book a hotel."

Xu Yan immediately looked up at him. As his lashes lifted, the light from the lamp suddenly lit up the depths of his eyes. Half his face was buried in a scarf, only a pair of eyes showing. Xu Yan's eyes were really beautiful. Shen Zhi suddenly had a strange thought—if a butterfly landed on Xu Yan's eyes right now, if it did—he wished he were that butterfly.

"Up to you." Xu Yan said, "This hotel is already fully booked. Go look somewhere else."

"Is your room big?" Shen Zhi looked at him and suddenly asked.

Xu Yan immediately stepped back, like a wary hedgehog: "Whether it's big or not, what does it have to do with you?"

Shen Zhi pressed his lips together and answered two words completely unrelated to the question: "Okay."

"Shen Zhi." Xu Yan's hand clenched into a fist inside his sleeve. He said coldly, "I've told you many times, we have nothing to do with each other anymore. What exactly do you want?"

"I wanted to see you." Shen Zhi's lashes drooped slightly. Standing there, he was like a quiet painting. He said very slowly, "I want to be with you."

A sense of absurdity rose in Xu Yan's heart. Not to mention he had never imagined Shen Zhi would say such things to him, he couldn't even imagine Shen Zhi saying such things to anyone with that expression or tone. But now it had happened, right in front of him. Shen Zhi had no need and no way to force himself to say these things. Precisely because of that, Xu Yan found it absurd.

What's the use of saying this now?

"What you think is your business." Xu Yan looked away. "Don't come bother me."

Shen Zhi nodded, then looked at Xu Yan and said without warning: "I want to pursue you, Xu Yan."

This feeling—Xu Yan felt his head and chest suddenly stuffed with several tangled skeins of yarn, unable to react for a moment. He almost instinctively answered: "Then I'm rejecting you right now." Then he turned and stepped up to go back to the hotel. He felt he couldn't stay one more second; it was too much of a reversal.

Shen Zhi wants to pursue him? How? Like his past self, shamelessly and wholeheartedly? That wasn't something Shen Zhi could do. But regardless, Xu Yan was certain he would never become the Shen Zhi of the past, would never stand by coldly watching the other's love like he once had. Because Xu Yan had tasted that feeling, and it was too unpleasant, so he wouldn't replicate it on Shen Zhi, nor use it for revenge—swap their positions and make Shen Zhi taste that bitterness instead.

He couldn't personally smudge the young love of the past, become the kind of person he despised, so he could only cut it off decisively. From the moment he stepped out of Shen Zhi's home, Xu Yan had thought this way.

Shen Zhi didn't chase after him. He did nothing, just stood in place, quietly watching Xu Yan's back.

After returning to his room, Xu Yan quickly took a shower. He had originally planned to soak in the hot springs, but now he had no mood at all. After washing, he opened his computer, imported today's photos, sent a copy to post-production, then started retouching. Once he found something to do, Xu Yan could easily lose himself in it. This was also why he was here retouching some photos that didn't need his touch at all instead of soaking in the hot springs late at night.

There was a knock on the door. It was Lu Sen, asking him: "Are you asleep?"

"No." Xu Yan got up to open the door. "Retouching photos. Practicing."

"Your stuff." Lu Sen handed him the sweets and souvenirs, paused, then said, "I just went to the balcony to smoke and saw him still standing downstairs."

Xu Yan was startled. Before getting up to open the door, he had glanced at the time. About two hours had passed since he finished talking to Shen Zhi... Shen Zhi hadn't left?

"It's really cold out there." Lu Sen said. "And he doesn't seem to have brought any luggage. Looking at the flight time, he probably came straight here after landing without eating dinner."

Xu Yan lowered his head without speaking. Lu Sen shrugged: "Just stating facts. I'm heading back to my room. Good night."

After closing the door, Xu Yan stood in front of the computer for a while, then walked over and pulled open the balcony door. Icy cold air rushed at him. He walked to the railing and looked down—below the hotel entrance steps, the stone bench was piled with white snow; beside it stood a street lamp. Shen Zhi was standing beside the street lamp, like a tree growing in the cold night. He had originally been looking at the ground, but suddenly raised his head. That gaze was about to travel up the floors toward Xu Yan's balcony when Xu Yan quickly retreated several steps, returning to the room before their eyes could meet—but given the distance between them, even if they had locked eyes, they probably couldn't have made out anything clearly.

Xu Yan turned off the computer, washed his face, brushed his teeth, got into bed and pulled up the covers, turned off the light. The room was very quiet. He could hear the wind outside. Xu Yan closed his eyes, but Shen Zhi's figure appeared in his mind—standing by the stone bench downstairs, snow all around, the street lamp casting a halo of dim yellow light around him.

Don't think about it, don't think about Shen Zhi. Xu Yan tried to think of other things—various things, various people, anything at all, rolling them through his mind. Finally he picked up his phone—he'd been in bed for almost an hour and still had no sleepiness at all.

He sat up from the bed, stepped barefoot onto the floor, and pulled open the balcony door. Outside seemed even colder. Walking to the railing and looking down again, at this moment Xu Yan was almost on the verge of collapse—that very helpless, very anxious feeling—Shen Zhi was still standing there, hadn't even changed position.

"Shit." Xu Yan cursed hoarsely, turned and went back inside, pulled a coat from the rack and threw it on, opened the door and stepped out.