—

Too terrible. Shen Zhi thought amid thundering heartbeats. He'd only just promised himself he could love Xu Yan like a normal person, but losing control had come so fast — he hadn't anticipated it, hadn't prepared at all.

But his instinct was to hold Xu Yan. A fatal gap had opened somewhere in his body, and only Xu Yan could fill it.

Shen Zhi buried his face in the crook of Xu Yan's neck and closed his eyes. They'd only been embracing for two seconds, but he felt it was already an immense comfort, and at the same time not nearly enough — afraid Xu Yan might push him away at any moment.

Xu Yan didn't do that. He'd had a little alcohol and was in a slow-reacting state right now. He was a bit stunned, dazed — the force of Shen Zhi's lunge had knocked him back against the wall, pinned there, unable to move. He could feel Shen Zhi's body rigid, trembling slightly. Shen Zhi's face pressed against the side of his neck, cool and damp, his hands locked tight around Xu Yan's waist, heavy heartbeat palpable — Xu Yan sank into confusion.

In his not-fully-clear mind, a metaphor surfaced: a child who'd had a nightmare, looking for his mother.

'Let go,' Xu Yan finally came back to himself and said quietly.

Shen Zhi didn't move. He caught a faint clean scent on Xu Yan's T-shirt, different from before — Xu Yan had switched laundry detergents.

Three years. So many things had changed; why not the detergent.

Seeing Shen Zhi wouldn't budge, Xu Yan frowned. The elevator suddenly dinged, and he immediately pushed Shen Zhi's shoulder to separate them — what came out was a media worker, head down looking at a phone, walking toward a room at the other end, not noticing them.

Xu Yan glanced at Shen Zhi. Shen Zhi was slightly bowed, his wet bangs hanging down to cover his eyes. Xu Yan was silent for a moment, then turned to go back to his room.

'Xu Yan.' Shen Zhi caught his hand, as if it cost him great effort, and said, 'Can we... talk?'

Just like in the dream, he didn't know what he wanted to talk about. He only wanted to be with Xu Yan.

His eyes were red-rimmed, looking at Xu Yan, a faint plea showing through his gaze.

Xu Yan pressed the bridge of his nose. His thoughts ran slow under the influence of alcohol. The sentence 'I can love you like a normal person now' popped up at the wrong moment, adding to his indecision — and Shen Zhi's state really was strange... Forget it.

'Go to your room,' Xu Yan said.

Before his heart could relax for even half a second, it was suspended again. Shen Zhi thought of the person in Xu Yan's room — reality wasn't much kinder than the nightmare. He understood no one would bring an ex into their room to talk in front of their girlfriend, but his chest still seized with sudden pain, his whole body wanting to crouch down, to ease the killing ache.

'Okay.' It took him a long while to push a single word out of his throat.

Xu Yan brushed past Shen Zhi's shoulder and walked into the room, sitting down on the single sofa in the living room. Shen Zhi poured a glass of water and set it in front of him. The moment the glass touched the coffee table, Shen Zhi suddenly straightened up, hastily said 'wait a moment,' and went into the bedroom — he hid the medicine box by the bed under the pillow.

Knowing perfectly well Xu Yan couldn't see, knowing perfectly well Xu Yan couldn't possibly walk into the bedroom, Shen Zhi still had to hide it — hide it thoroughly, along with his unease, his panic, his guilt, his collapse.

'It's late. What did you want to say?' Xu Yan looked at Shen Zhi across the coffee table and asked.

Shen Zhi's hands were clasped together, hanging between his legs. His head was lowered, his shoulders sinking, as if his spirit were exhausted. Xu Yan suspected he might topple forward onto the floor the next second.

'When did you and she... get together?'

Xu Yan took a few seconds to react, then understood Shen Zhi had misunderstood.

'That doesn't seem to concern you,' he answered.

The sword of Damocles hanging overhead finally came down. Shen Zhi drew a shallow breath, raised his hand, and buried his face in his palm. In fact, from earlier until now, he hadn't had the courage to look at Xu Yan, and his posture had grown increasingly withdrawn.

'If what you call talking is prying into my privacy, then I have nothing to say.' Xu Yan stood up. 'I'm going back.'

'Xu Yan.' Shen Zhi immediately dropped his hand and rose. 'Wait.'

'Stay a little longer.' Like a destitute person who had been wandering for a long time, he repeated, 'Stay with me a few more minutes.'

Xu Yan suddenly felt a sour, swelling, dull ache rise from somewhere in the center of his abdomen. The feeling was somewhat unfamiliar, but he'd experienced it before — a long time ago, late one night, Shen Zhi had come home late from the Company, gone to the walk-in closet to get his pajamas. Xu Yan had been half-asleep, keeping track of when Shen Zhi would finish showering and come to bed, but after more than half an hour, he still hadn't heard any movement.

Xu Yan opened his eyes, got out of bed, and walked into the walk-in closet.

He saw Shen Zhi sitting on the carpet, his head leaning against the cabinet beside him, that fair face weary and quiet, asleep just like that.

At the time, Xu Yan had a moment of breathlessness. He didn't know why his heart ached so much — he wanted to wake him to finish showering and sleep, wanted to drape a blanket over him, wanted to heat a glass of milk for him... but in the end, Xu Yan only walked softly to Shen Zhi's side, sat down, and carefully gathered him into his arms. He felt Shen Zhi needed to be cared about, looked after, protected. In that soundless walk-in closet, Xu Yan thought, and that person could only be himself.

But reality was always full of regrets, scattering people who had once sworn they wouldn't part.

'What's going on with you.' Xu Yan pulled himself out of the distant memory and asked him.

'Nothing.' Shen Zhi looked away and said quietly, 'Maybe just a bit tired.'

'If you're tired, rest.'

The line couldn't have been more casual, but in Shen Zhi's eyes — who hadn't heard anything like it from Xu Yan in over three years — it was as precious as genuine care. Shen Zhi strained to suppress the urge to go up and embrace Xu Yan, watched him sit back down on the sofa, paused two seconds, and asked softly, 'Did you drink?'

'Mm.' Xu Yan's elbow rested on the sofa arm, his palm supporting his chin, and he answered lightly.

'Was today hard?'

'It was okay.'

'You're leaving tomorrow?'

'Yes.'

Xu Yan answered a few questions coolly. Shen Zhi suddenly fell silent — he realized he still had countless, scattered questions he wanted to ask, but worried Xu Yan might find it tiresome.

So he said, 'Drink some water. You'll be thirsty once the alcohol wears off.'

Xu Yan lowered his eyes to the untouched glass of water on the coffee table, then looked at Shen Zhi, and said flatly, 'No.'

'Afraid of being drugged.'

Shen Zhi froze on the spot, the little color that had just returned to his face draining in a second. Those four short words had torn a gash in his heart, and a flood of feelings close to grievance kept pouring out. At the same time, he knew he had no right to feel aggrieved — when he had hurt Xu Yan in the past, Xu Yan must have been more aggrieved, more hurt than he was now. And — even feeling that aggrieved and hurt, Xu Yan had still had to smile at him, still had to keep loving him.

After a long stretch of dead silence, Shen Zhi's voice, hoarse, opened: 'I'm sorry.'

'There's nothing to apologize for.' Xu Yan was very calm.

He didn't want to bring up the past — three years ago, and now. He told himself again and again not to look back, not worth looking at, just a mess on the ground. But what could he do? Shen Zhi was his past. As long as Shen Zhi stood in front of him, he would be forced, over and over, to look back at the past.

Rather than warn himself every second not to remember, exhausting himself like this, forever at an impasse, better to lay it all out — say it and be done. He and Shen Zhi had no present, no future; the only thing they could talk about was that little bit of the past.

If even now he couldn't face these things head-on, then the three years would have been for nothing.

Scars — once healed, they're fine. Even if you can't help picking at them a couple of times, they won't bleed; just a patch of skin that looks a little different, that's all.

'I'm not here to hear you apologize.' Xu Yan looked at him. 'I want you to feel guilty.'

'If you really do feel guilty, or to put it another way, if you really love me — if you hold even one of those two, you should never appear in front of me again, never bother me. Right?'

Shen Zhi lowered his head, and said word by word: 'I can't do it.'

'Misunderstanding you was my fault.' His voice trembled; only after a deep breath did he barely steady himself. 'But Xu Yan, I'm really not trying to be with you as some kind of revenge.'

The word 'revenge' had always been like a knife stuck in his heart. Shen Zhi was willing to take on every mistake, but not this one — he couldn't admit it, because he truly, genuinely had never had such a thought.

Xu Yan's fingers moved unconsciously — he didn't know whether it was 'revenge' or 'try' that had stung him. He said, 'Being with someone who drugged himself, trying it out — there's no other possibility but revenge.'

'No.' Shen Zhi still insisted on denying it. He raised his head, his reddened eyes fixed directly on Xu Yan. 'I just don't want to become strangers with you.'

'You confessed to me. I didn't respond. And you avoided me for a whole four months.'

'After my birthday that night, you went out on field research. When you came back, I went to find you, and you said you wouldn't bother me anymore.'

'I never knew what it felt like to like someone...' His voice grew quieter. 'So at the time, I didn't know I liked you.'

'Wanting to try with you is because I don't want to lose you.' Shen Zhi exhaled, trembling, and still said, 'Not revenge.'

He rarely — almost never — had said this much to Xu Yan in one go. He remembered Lan Qiuchen mentioning that sometimes, after taking medication, the urge to express oneself would increase, you'd want to talk a lot. Probably the medicine he'd just taken was kicking in, Shen Zhi thought.

But he suddenly remembered — the seven pills he'd taken earlier, he had thrown them up afterward.

Xu Yan, however, suddenly let out a soft laugh — Shen Zhi said he liked him. Before they 'tried,' nearly seven years ago, Shen Zhi had already liked him. Even believing Xu Yan had drugged him, he still hadn't wanted to lose him.

It was too absurd. Xu Yan asked with a smile, 'Not wanting to lose me — so for the four years we were together afterward, you gave me the silent treatment, ignored me, wore me down?'

'Shen Zhi, which single thing you did wasn't pushing me away, telling me to get lost? That's what not wanting to lose me looks like?'

Shen Zhi's hands clenched into fists, pressed hard against the sofa, knuckles white, speaking with difficulty: 'So I'm sorry... I was clearly only fighting with myself, fighting with that misunderstanding, but I hurt you. I'm sorry.'

'You're sick.' Xu Yan looked at him for a few seconds, then said suddenly.

Shen Zhi's Adam's apple bobbed. The corners of his mouth pressed into a faint smile, his gaze empty: 'Yes, I'm sick.'

He knew Xu Yan's 'you're sick' was just colloquial, but he still felt deeply wounded — after all, he really was sick. The kind of sick that required seeing a doctor on schedule, taking medicine without interruption.

'...' Xu Yan felt his temples ache. 'I'm sleepy. I'm going back first.'

The air in his lungs seemed to be sucked out at once. His whole person floated, dazed. Only one thought remained in Shen Zhi's mind: Xu Yan was leaving. But he couldn't find a reason to make Xu Yan stay even a moment longer. His pale lips moved, and all he could do was rasp out a single name: 'Xu Yan...'

Xu Yan stood by the sofa, stared at him for a while, then walked over, stopping in front of him.

Shen Zhi looked up, his expression like someone who had trekked day and night across a desert, utterly spent, finally catching the first sign of coming rain. But Xu Yan only looked down at that thin face, his tone utterly flat, and said, 'Just be strangers, Shen Zhi.'

That suggestion was destined to get no answer. Shen Zhi bit down hard, lowered his head as if nothing were wrong, reached for Xu Yan's right hand, and rubbed his bare ring finger. 'Where's the ring?'

Xu Yan frowned slightly and pulled his hand back: 'None of your business.' He only coordinated accessories when attending events; in private, he always kept things as simple as possible and didn't like wearing jewelry.

'I'll wait for you.' Shen Zhi suddenly raised his head and said, looking at him.

Xu Yan didn't immediately register what he meant. Shen Zhi paused, then spoke again, every word bitten out with difficulty and force: 'Wait for you to end this relationship, to want to start with someone else.'

Only the air conditioner running filled the room. Xu Yan fixed his eyes on Shen Zhi's, and after a long while asked him: 'You wait for me to break up?'

Shen Zhi's jawline tightened: 'Yes.'

'You want to be the backup?'

His chest heaved uncontrollably a few times. Shen Zhi said, 'Yes.'

Xu Yan suddenly laughed: 'Shen Zhi.'

'Attorney Shen.' He called him that, with a sense of absurd disbelief — hard to imagine Shen Zhi, so proud and composed, saying something like this. 'Have you forgotten? You were the one who got ended in the last relationship.'

How could he forget. But even so — Shen Zhi forced himself to stand: 'I want to start over.'

Xu Yan stepped back in time with his rising motion, keeping distance: 'No need.'

Like an invulnerable shield — whether gaze or expression, Xu Yan was as decisive and clean-cut as three years ago, giving no margin, leaving no opening. Shen Zhi couldn't hold back the swelling ache in his chest. It felt too far away — he had to touch Xu Yan to feel better. He reached out and hugged him again, his chin hooking over Xu Yan's shoulder, his throat choking: 'Then I'll wait too.'

He held the person tight, and at the same time felt a noisy, sharp ringing pouring into his ears, rushing in to occupy his hearing, blocking all the way to his throat, leaving him unable to hear or speak. Shen Zhi opened his mouth, but couldn't hear what he himself was saying. Panic seized his consciousness. He foresaw he was about to show his hand — but there was nothing he could do, really nothing he could do. He couldn't let go cleanly, couldn't let Xu Yan leave.

But in the end, he still let go, using a precarious mask of calm to try to hide the surging waves in his body and mind. Shen Zhi lowered his eyes, his lashes covering his unfocused pupils. His whole body's muscles had gone rigid, hard to move, his voice low and hoarse: 'Go back and rest.' But in truth, he couldn't tell whether those were really the five words that had come out of his mouth.

Xu Yan studied his face. He saw Shen Zhi's complexion deathly pale, standing upright, looking utterly exhausted, as if a touch would knock him over. Xu Yan touched his own jaw — Shen Zhi had hugged him tightly just now, and a chain around Xu Yan's neck had pressed right against his jaw, hurting a little.

'You rest well too,' Xu Yan said. He turned and walked out of the room. As he closed the door, he saw Shen Zhi still standing in place, head lowered, expression unreadable.

The door closed. Shen Zhi closed his eyes, adjusted his breathing, tried to walk toward the bedroom, but it was hard — he had to hold onto something. A few steps' distance took him nearly two minutes. He braced himself against the bed's edge, reached under the pillow with his other hand for the medicine box. When he opened the lid, his wrist trembled uncontrollably, and the dozen or so pills in that compartment scattered loosely across the bed.

Shen Zhi stared at them. Gradually, the pills and the bedsheet twisted together into a knot, like a whirlpool. The image turning brought on nausea. He had no choice but to close his eyes. His elbows gave out, and his whole body collapsed onto the bed, letting himself sink, sink down.