52

Tang Yunyan's assistant opened the door, called out 'Hello, Attorney Shen,' and Shen Zhi nodded and walked in. Toto stood on the shelf, and seeing Shen Zhi arrive, flapped its wings and shouted: "Laogong! Laogong!"

"Hopeless," Tang Yunyan said. "Since last time it never says 'warm welcome' anymore—calls everyone laogong."

Shen Zhi stared at Toto for a few seconds. Tang Yunyan patted his arm: "Xu Yan's in the dressing room, just tried on two sets. I think he looks a bit tired, so I let him rest first."

"Okay."

The dressing room door was ajar. Shen Zhi knocked twice, no answer. He assumed Xu Yan had fallen asleep inside, so he pushed it open.

The scene before him was genuinely unexpected.

Xu Yan was wearing a black qipao, sprawled on the floor. The satin fabric traced his figure in smooth, even lines; the slit rode high, bare skin running from ankle all the way to mid-thigh. The raised shoulder blades, the dipped waist, the taut line of his hips—though the posture was admittedly neither dignified nor elegant, there was undeniably something oddly artistic about it, like a black swan.

"Shit..." Xu Yan cursed under his breath, turned his head, startled. His gaze traveled up from those black leather shoes, past the pressed trousers and blue shirt, and settled on Shen Zhi's face.

Just absurd.

Shen Zhi felt it took him half an age to come back to himself. His Adam's apple bobbed. He crouched down and asked, "What's wrong?"

Xu Yan was still on his knees, propped himself up slightly, frowning: "The earring fell off."

"Designer Tang made that Black Diamond Earring herself. If I really lost it, she'd kill me."

"Get up, I'll find it." Shen Zhi reached out to help him stand, then crouched down again, lifting the trailing hems one by one, and finally found the earring behind the model rack.

Xu Yan was facing the mirror, fastening buttons. Shen Zhi walked to his side, took a napkin, wiped the post, and said, "Let me put it on for you."

"Thanks." Xu Yan handed him an earring back and tilted his head, exposing his right ear.

He watched Shen Zhi's serious profile in the mirror. They stood close. Shen Zhi's knuckles rested lightly against his jaw. The whole process took only ten seconds. After fastening it, Shen Zhi didn't lower his hand. He knew Xu Yan could see him in the mirror, but he still bent his head and pressed a kiss to his cheek.

Xu Yan had watched it all happen with his own eyes. He'd had a premonition of something like this—he just hadn't expected Shen Zhi to actually put it into practice on the spot.

"I'm going out." He said quietly, stepped around Shen Zhi, and headed for the door.

"This set suits you. Most of the male models at Company tried it on, but only you match the feeling I want." Tang Yunyan nodded in satisfaction the moment Xu Yan came out. "Good thing the exhibition was postponed, otherwise I'd never have gotten you, you big busy man, to help me try things on."

Xu Yan stepped barefoot onto the platform, smiled, and asked, "Did you have Photographer Lu try it?"

"He did." Tang Yunyan raised an eyebrow. "He looked absolutely stunning in that deep purple set. I'll send you the photos later."

Xu Yan felt his heart settle.

Shen Zhi stood by the window, watching Xu Yan intently. He wasn't in any hurry. He could wait for Xu Yan to finish everything.

That set took over half an hour to shoot. During it, Shen Zhi stepped out twice to take phone calls. After the second call, when he came back in from the balcony, Xu Yan had just gone into the dressing room.

"No more shooting. Photographer Xu's time is yours now." Tang Yunyan said, feeding Toto as she spoke.

"Thanks. You worked hard." Shen Zhi said.

Xu Yan changed into his own clothes, came out, said goodbye to Tang Yunyan, and walked out. Shen Zhi followed. Toto watched their retreating backs, swallowed the feed in its beak, and shouted: "Laogong take care! Laogong goodbye!"

People kept passing in the corridor. Xu Yan walked forward in silence, all the way to the end. He pushed open a door and looked back at Shen Zhi: "Come in."

Shen Zhi walked a few steps inside. It was a storage room, boxes and wooden boards scattered across the shelves. Xu Yan closed the door and leaned against it. His expression did look like what Tang Yunyan had said—a bit tired. He asked, "What did you want to see me about?"

"Didn't sleep well last night, or worn out from the business trip?" Shen Zhi answered a different question.

Xu Yan lowered his eyes. His lashes moved: "Didn't sleep well. What did you want to see me about?"

"I saw the news." Shen Zhi said slowly. "So I asked Lin Mian. She told me Yu Xue and Lin Yan have been together for quite a while now."

Xu Yan's expression stayed calm: "So what? I never told you I was with her."

That was true. Shen Zhi hadn't had time to think it through when he arrived, but just now in Tang Yunyan's office, watching Xu Yan, he'd sorted his thoughts. He remembered that Xu Yan had never once admitted to being with Yu Xue—it had all been his own speculation. Xu Yan had simply never denied it, and Shen Zhi understood why.

He felt light, relaxed—like he could finally exhale. The stone on his heart had been lifted. He had Xu Yan's forgiveness, and now this surprise on top of it. He was happy.

"Mm." Shen Zhi smiled. "What time do you get off tonight? Want to grab dinner together?"

He'd already prepared himself to be turned down. It was fine—he could try again. But he hadn't expected Xu Yan's answer to be: "Enough."

"Enough." Xu Yan said coldly. "I remember telling you last time we could be ordinary friends. If you're going to be like this, then don't be."

Shen Zhi froze for a moment. The joy in his chest froze and cooled in an instant. It took him a while to react before he said, "It's fine. If you're busy..."

"I'm free, but I won't have dinner with you." Xu Yan's head was full of what Xu Shen had said—'think about your own face.' He could forgive Shen Zhi, but he was also jolted awake: rather than constantly retreating his defenses, holding the line was the safest bet.

That resolve finally took shape just now, in the dressing room, after Shen Zhi had kissed him so lightly—the sudden spike of his heartbeat, the loss of control. Xu Yan had nearly walked out of the dressing room with both arms and the same-side leg moving together.

"Shen Zhi, I know what you mean, and I know what you're after. Really, enough." Xu Yan said bluntly. "I've already started a new life. Accepting you would mean breaking it. I won't do that."

Shen Zhi stepped closer, his tone almost pleading: "You don't have to break anything. Keep things exactly as they are. I'll be very careful—I won't cause you any cracks or gaps. I promise."

"What can you promise me? And what's the use of a promise?" Xu Yan's back trembled. His voice was very low. "You know the saying about being bitten by a snake and fearing a rope for ten years—but the one who was cold-shouldered for four years isn't you. What right do you have to ask me to try again with you?"

"How many times during those years did I secretly want to slap myself, wondering whether I just wasn't good enough, or whether you'd never have been able to fall for me in this life. Do you know what it feels like—half convinced there's no hope, but still desperately holding on? You ground my feelings down to nothing, bit by bit. I have a scar now. Do you understand?"

Emotions surged. Shen Zhi felt he couldn't breathe all at once. He had to take a deep breath, his hand pressing against the shelf beside him to keep himself upright: "Xu Yan, I'm sor—"

"Don't say sorry. I've forgiven you. But stop coming around to bother me—live your own life properly." Xu Yan finished, turned, and pulled the door open. He didn't look back, only said at the last moment, "If you keep this up, I won't mind going abroad again for a few years."

The door closed. The room was very quiet. Sunlight through the glass lit up countless fine dust motes. Shen Zhi stared at those floating particles, feeling them rushing into his nose and mouth in waves, blocking his nasal passages, his throat, his lungs. His chest heaved violently, but his breathing grew harder and harder. The room grew smaller and smaller, wrapping around him like a cocoon. Shen Zhi closed his eyes, stepped forward, his hand found the door handle. He pulled it open and stepped out into the empty corridor.

He couldn't remember how he'd walked through the corridor, taken the elevator, left the company. By the time Shen Zhi reached his car, the ground was already swaying violently—the weightlessness and dizziness almost made him unable to stand. He reached for the car door, couldn't open it, then remembered he hadn't unlocked it. He mashed the key fob haphazardly and finally wrenched the door open. He sat inside, fumbled open the storage compartment. When he reached for the pill bottle, the pills inside rattled—that sound amplified dozens of times in his ears, unbearably harsh. Shen Zhi's brow twisted in pain.

He swallowed a few pills—three or five, he couldn't count. His throat was dry. He wanted another sip of water; the bottle was in his hand, but he had no strength to lift it. His legs were going numb. Shen Zhi closed his eyes. His trembling hand slowly moved over, pulled the vibrating phone from his pocket, and with great effort raised it a little higher.

The words on the screen were crooked. Through the blur, Shen Zhi made out that it was Tang Yunyan's name.

He was afraid Tang Yunyan was calling about Xu Yan. He strained to steady himself and answered—but immediately regretted it, because he couldn't make a sound at all.

"Hello? Shen Zhi?" Tang Yunyan's voice seemed both far away and close. "My assistant said she saw you in the corridor just now and you didn't look well. Are you driving?"

Shen Zhi lifted his head, gasping in big breaths, trying to speak, but it was terribly hard. He felt sealed inside a bottle—sludge kept pouring in through the mouth, the space inside filling bit by bit. He was trapped within, unable to move.

"Shen Zhi? What's wrong? Isn't Xu Yan with you?"

Not here... not been here for a very long time. So long he was about to forget what it felt like to have Xu Yan.

Shen Zhi's forehead pressed against the steering wheel. He finally forced out a hoarse sound: "Help me..."