Chapter 56

Xu Yan woke up in the guest bedroom of Ji Huai's house, feeling tight-chested and short of breath, like he was suffocating. Opening his eyes, he saw a leg draped over him — Xu Nian's leg.

'Get off…' Xu Yan kicked him. Xu Nian grunted, rolled over, and went right back to dead sleep.

Last night had gotten a bit out of hand. Xu Nian had gotten too into DJing at the bar, and Xu Yan had been plied with drinks by several friends, leading to a blackout. Lying in bed now, he struggled to recall anything, only managing to remember a few fragments.

He remembered that halfway through the drinking, Yu Xue had called to wish him a happy birthday. Learning he was at a bar, she'd been itching to come over, but Xu Yan had dissuaded her, saying, 'I don't want us to end up trending together on social media tomorrow.'

He remembered Xu Nian playing a nightclub version of 'Happy Birthday' for him while asking into the mic, 'Gege, what did you want to tell me? Please, just tell me already.'

He remembered later, Ji Huai and Lu Sen both disappearing for a while. When Xu Yan went to the restroom, he ran into Ji Huai in the hallway and, bleary-eyed, saw a fresh hickey on Ji Huai's neck. Xu Yan had patted his shoulder and slurred sympathetically, 'I won't tell anyone about your little adventure.'

He remembered walking a few more steps and bumping into Lu Sen. Hazily, he'd noticed Lu Sen's lips were very red, the corner of his mouth was chafed, and there even seemed to be a bruise on his neck. Xu Yan had leaned in with great concern to ask if he'd gotten into a fight. Lu Sen had smiled and said yes, he'd fought with someone. Xu Yan had instantly flown into a rage, yelling about getting revenge and calling the police, only to be stopped by Lu Sen in the end.

……

In short, it had been a chaotic night: clinking glasses, deafening music, a noisy, surging crowd.

The clearest memory was of a guy from the next booth coming over to ask for his WeChat. Xu Yan had looked up drunkenly at him — white T-shirt, black-framed glasses — and for a moment he'd thought he was seeing Shen Zhi, though he couldn't tell if it was Shen Zhi from university or Shen Zhi from that evening. But looking closer, it wasn't him after all.

It wasn't Shen Zhi.

Xu Yan sat up in bed, holding his head. Seeing Xu Nian sleeping so soundly, he slapped him on the back. Xu Nian yelped and woke up.

After shoving each other around while washing up, the two of them left the room and then froze in place, staring at Ji Huai and Lu Sen sitting side by side at the dining table eating breakfast.

'Morning,' Ji Huai said. 'Come eat.'

Xu Yan and Xu Nian walked over and sat down across from them. Xu Yan glanced back; the living room sofa was perfectly tidy, with no sign anyone had slept on it.

Xu Nian asked, tactless as ever, 'Did you two sleep together last night?'

'Mm,' Lu Sen responded, drinking his soy milk.

That made sense, Xu Yan thought. Among the four guys present, only Xu Nian was a pure straight guy. Both Ji Huai and Lu Sen had shown interest in Xu Nian in that way. All things considered, of course it was most appropriate for him, the older brother, to share a room with Xu Nian.

Thinking this, everything clicked into place. Eating his breakfast, Xu Yan glanced up and saw the still-fresh hickey on Ji Huai's neck. He mentally 'tsk-tsk'ed, then turned his eyes and saw the chafed corner of Lu Sen's mouth. Somehow, Xu Yan suddenly couldn't bring himself to 'tsk' anymore.

Something felt off.

'You got into a fight last night, didn't you?' Xu Yan asked.

Lu Sen smiled lazily. 'Drank too much, forgot.'

'No way. We should go back to the bar and check the surveillance, see what really happened. Can't just get beat up for no reason,' Xu Nian said seriously.

'Better not,' Lu Sen said, his tone light and airy, carrying a hint of half-serious joking. 'What if we see something we shouldn't? That'd be hard to handle.'

After breakfast, they all went their separate ways. Xu Yan went home, took a shower, and started packing for his business trip. The next shoot was in Santorini, with a flight that evening.

In the afternoon, he went to the Company to check and pack equipment. Afterwards, Xu Yan drove to a restaurant; he'd arranged to have dinner with the designer for his new house.

'Sorry I'm a bit late,' Xu Yan said, sitting down hurriedly with a smile. 'Something came up at the Company.'

'It's fine, I haven't been here long either.' The designer was young, wearing a pair of thin-framed glasses. He extended his hand to Xu Yan, a faint smile on his face. 'Hello, Mr. Xu. I'm Song Jin.'

They had only communicated via WeChat before. Xu Yan had roughly discussed his style and color preferences — he didn't pursue high-end sophistication, preferring simplicity, but the simpler the design, the harder it was to execute. Song Jin had also been very busy; if they were to really start the renovation, it would have to wait until autumn.

Halfway through the meal, Song Jin showed Xu Yan the preliminary design model. Xu Yan knew at first glance it was perfect — it felt incredibly comfortable, almost exactly what he had envisioned. The feeling of seeing a mental image concretely realized was supremely pleasing.

'Excellent. After I get back to the country, we can discuss the soft furnishings further.' Xu Yan was in a good mood. While swiping, his finger accidentally brushed the bottom of the tablet, switching it back to the home screen. He saw the wallpaper was a photo: a guy holding an orange cat, only showing a bit of his chin. The orange cat was very fat, with droopy, dejected-looking eyes, both timid and cute.

'You have a cat?' Xu Yan handed the tablet back, asking casually.

'Yes, it's called Grapefruit,' Song Jin said, taking a sip of juice. 'It's on a diet right now.'

Xu Yan chuckled and nodded with a serious expression. 'It really should be.'

Shen Zhi had gone to Lan Qiuchen's private clinic yesterday. Today, he went to the Hospital to get his newly prescribed medication. It happened to be after work, so the two of them went out for dinner together.

'I see you have quite a lot of work here now. Planning to buy a place? It'd be more convenient.'

'I thought about it before,' Shen Zhi replied. 'Not anymore.'

'I understand.' The reasons had been laid out by Shen Zhi during yesterday's psychological counseling session. Lan Qiuchen sighed. 'Be extra careful during this period. Take your medicine on time, don't drink, and avoid staying up late.'

Completely cutting off this relationship was undoubtedly a painful, heavy burden for Shen Zhi. Lan Qiuchen had never been so apprehensive, afraid Shen Zhi wouldn't be able to bear the weight and get through it, afraid he'd completely collapse and not recover.

Shen Zhi said, 'I requested a month's leave today.'

'Really?' Lan Qiuchen was somewhat surprised. Although a month's leave could never bring recovery, this decision also signified Shen Zhi's attitude to some extent. Lan Qiuchen stared at him. 'During this month, can you manage to come to the clinic regularly?'

'I'll try my best.' Shen Zhi's face was pale and weary, not at all like someone about to have a month off.

After paying the bill, the two of them left the restaurant. Lan Qiuchen was on the phone with his girlfriend, arranging to pick her up somewhere. Mid-call, he sensed something was off and looked back — Shen Zhi was standing stock-still.

'What's wrong?' Lan Qiuchen hung up and walked back.

Shen Zhi didn't speak. His expression was calm, but Lan Qiuchen had a bad feeling that it was precisely the calm of dead ashes. He followed Shen Zhi's gaze to the left. At the restaurant entrance, under a tree by the roadside, stood two men chatting face-to-face, smiling.

The one in the black T-shirt looked familiar to Lan Qiuchen. He soon remembered seeing him at Ji Huai's birthday — Ji Huai's childhood friend, a photographer for Tide.

He was about to ask something, but the next second, he suddenly couldn't utter a single word. During his psychological counseling, Shen Zhi had always referred to the other party in the relationship as 'he,' never mentioning a name. Lan Qiuchen only knew 'he' was Shen Zhi's university classmate, ex-boyfriend, had been abroad for three years, and was a photographer.

Unexpectedly, now there was an answer. 'He' was Xu Yan.

'Xu Yan. We met at his friend's birthday,' Lan Qiuchen said quickly. 'He knows I'm a psychologist.'

Shen Zhi snapped back to reality because of his words, turning his head to look at him, his throat moving as if speaking was difficult. After a moment, Shen Zhi finally said, 'You go ahead.'

Actually, what he wanted to say wasn't 'You go ahead,' but 'Please go quickly.' If he were normal, he'd be perfectly at ease, unconcerned about whether Lan Qiuchen had met Xu Yan or whether Xu Yan knew Lan Qiuchen was a psychologist.

But he was sick, so even having a meal with his psychologist felt like being in a compromising situation. He felt guilty, without any of the composure and fearlessness he should have — none at all.

'Call me after you get back to the car,' Lan Qiuchen said quietly. 'Or anytime, if you feel something's off, contact me.'

Given Shen Zhi's current state, Lan Qiuchen was very uneasy, afraid he might have another episode like the previous two times.

After speaking, Lan Qiuchen decisively walked away in the opposite direction. At the same time, feeling the gaze, Xu Yan turned his head and saw only Shen Zhi standing alone at the foot of the steps.

The sun had set. Behind Shen Zhi was the brightly lit restaurant. Xu Yan looked at him for a moment, then turned back to Song Jin and said, 'That's settled then. Thank you for your hard work. After I get back, we'll go take a look at the house.'

'Okay.'

'Where are you heading later? I can give you a ride.'

'No need to trouble yourself. Someone's coming to pick me up; they should be here soon. I'll meet them over by the mall.' Song Jin glanced at his watch. 'See you next time. Drive safely.'

'Okay, bye.'

Watching Song Jin walk ahead to cross the street, Xu Yan stood there for a bit, then turned and walked over to Shen Zhi, asking casually, 'Here for dinner?'

Shen Zhi had been lost in thought; even when Xu Yan walked right up to him, he was still dazed. Xu Yan's voice felt distant to him. After a few seconds, he answered irrelevantly, 'I didn't know I'd run into you.'

He was afraid Xu Yan would think he was engineering a chance encounter. He should have left earlier, before Xu Yan saw him, but he truly couldn't move his legs — whether from lack of strength or unwillingness, he couldn't say.

'I didn't mean it like that,' Xu Yan said. He saw a group of people heading towards the door inside the restaurant and, afraid of blocking their way, reached out and tugged Shen Zhi's wrist. 'Let's go.'

The warmth of his palm lingered on Shen Zhi's wrist for only a brief moment. Shen Zhi looked down at his own wrist a beat late, then heard Xu Yan ask, 'In a hurry?'

'No.' Shen Zhi felt his voice was so light it might float away. He doubted Xu Yan had heard him.

But Xu Yan had heard. He said, 'Then come with me to the car to get something.'

What was there to get? Shen Zhi couldn't imagine. Walking side by side with Xu Yan, he felt unreal, his steps unsteady. Only when he occasionally brushed against Xu Yan's shoulder did he briefly escape that daze and return to reality.

They reached the car in under two minutes. Xu Yan opened the passenger door, bent down, and reached into the glove compartment. Shen Zhi stood to the side like a test-taker faced with a question beyond his ability — he couldn't solve it, couldn't think of an answer, could only wait for someone else to give it to him.

Xu Yan straightened up quickly and handed Shen Zhi a small parcel box.

Inside was that stack of Storage Card units and USB drives, the ones Shen Zhi had mailed him a few days ago.

These were the only things Xu Yan had ever asked him for after they separated. Shen Zhi had needed great resolve to decide to send them back. They were like a period mark — Xu Yan had drawn countless ones long ago. Shen Zhi had stubbornly resisted, but in the end, he'd admitted defeat in disgrace, drawing the period he owed with his own hand.

But Xu Yan had told him they were no longer needed, that he'd consider giving them to him. Shen Zhi hadn't held out hope, yet when Xu Yan actually handed them over, Shen Zhi realized he couldn't accept them.

He was the one who'd asked Xu Yan for them. Xu Yan was giving them. Why didn't he want them anymore? So he'd exhausted himself drawing that period, thinking it ended here, but Xu Yan was even more ruthless, repeating it right in front of him.

His faintly beating heart was thrown into a boiling pot of oil, fried until scalding and bubbling. Back and forth, over and over, he could still feel the pain. What to do? Stop tormenting me. Shen Zhi almost wanted to turn and leave; at least then he'd still have the ability to say goodbye to Xu Yan.

'Didn't you say you wanted them?' Xu Yan asked, seeing him not take it after a long moment.

Shen Zhi managed to regain a bit of his senses. Before he could speak, Xu Yan added, 'I'm heading to the Airport later. I'll be back in seven or eight days.'

He'd originally planned to say it after returning from his business trip, but since he'd run into Shen Zhi today — a weird sort of fate — he might as well go with the flow and say it. It was going to happen sooner or later anyway. Being straightforward would be better for everyone.

Shen Zhi finally raised his hand and took the parcel box. His hand trembled noticeably; he didn't know if Xu Yan saw. Shen Zhi tried his best to breathe steadily and said, 'Have a safe trip.'

'Okay,' Xu Yan replied. He had no time to consider whether this exchange felt slightly stiff. Suddenly, his palms were sweating, and his heart was racing — a feeling he hadn't had in a long time.

Just like when he'd confessed to Shen Zhi over seven years ago. Even though the positions, the situation, and his state of mind were different now, looking at Shen Zhi, that nervous flutter resurfaced — because they were about to face a brand-new relationship, though he didn't know how it would end.

Let's give it a try.

'Shen Zhi,' Xu Yan called his name somewhat seriously.

Shen Zhi wanted to step back, afraid Xu Yan would say more words he couldn't bear.

The last rays of the sunset were cut by the buildings into a straight line that happened to envelop their upper bodies. They stood facing each other. The evening breeze blew between them, scattering the past, the noise fading away. It was very quiet here.

'Mm?' Shen Zhi managed only a faint, strained syllable after a long pause.

Xu Yan looked into his eyes and said, 'We can give it a try.'