Chapter 57

Because he hadn't expected Xu Yan to say this, Shen Zhi didn't react at all. Like standing on the edge of a rooftop, one step from throwing himself down—he'd already prepared to jump, but the hem of his clothes was lightly pinched. The force wasn't enough to hold him back, but it happened to hook his last shred of survival instinct.

He turned back, wanting to see clearly what had grabbed him, but he only saw a vast white fog.

"You…" Shen Zhi knew he was speaking, knew what he said, but he couldn't quite hear his own voice. His gaze couldn't focus. He asked hoarsely, "What did you say?"

"Don't play deaf." Xu Yan said.

The fog before his eyes suddenly dispersed. Shen Zhi stood in the rooftop wind, turned back to look—the one who had grabbed him was Xu Yan—Xu Yan from nine years ago, Xu Yan from seven years ago, Xu Yan from three years ago, Xu Yan right now. So many Xu Yans overlapped, the youthful brows and eyes becoming steady, the searching gaze becoming certain, tears becoming the light of sunset clouds reflected at the bottom of his eyes, the time difference adjusted and set right, and that sentence was also recalled clearly.

What Xu Yan said was: we can try.

Shen Zhi had once said the same words to Xu Yan with chaotic, obscure, unclear emotions—his testing, his hesitation, his misunderstanding—had given Xu Yan countless pain and torment over a long time afterward, making Xu Yan disheartened.

That sentence was the beginning of their mistake, but now Xu Yan had made it a new starting point.

His heart only began beating again at this moment, accelerating wildly, about to break through his chest. Shen Zhi was like someone who'd been drowning for a long time, finally rescued, pulled ashore, standing in sunlight, regaining the exhilarating breath he'd been denied for years. But because the oxygen intake was too fierce, his head spun, he almost couldn't stand steady—this was the kind of reaction that would require calling Lan Qiuchen.

"Xu Yan…" Shen Zhi wanted to reach out and hold him, but feared this was a dream, that touching would shatter it—he was caught in a dilemma, his hand raised and lowered again.

Xu Yan said calmly: "I'm not like you. When I say try, I mean I'll seriously try with you, I'll set my mindset right and treat this well. If it works, we start over. If it doesn't, then that's that. Do you accept?"

If the current them still couldn't build a good relationship, then it really wasn't meant to be—losing would be a willing loss.

Shen Zhi tried hard to take in Xu Yan's words, every character, every sentence, conducting rigorous analysis in his mind, finally confirming that Xu Yan really was going to try with him—if, if it worked—they would be together again.

A heart thrown down from ten thousand meters high, about to crash to the bottom and shatter, Shen Zhi had already given up saving himself, but somehow it was caught intact, then gently placed on the clouds—incredible.

"Why do you have a face like you're taking an exam." Xu Yan looked at him. "Are my words that hard to understand?"

"What if this is a dream." Shen Zhi asked a question that might sound foolish to Xu Yan but was crucial to him.

But Xu Yan didn't seem to find it foolish. He reached out and pinched Shen Zhi's face with moderate force, asking: "Does it hurt?"

He could understand Shen Zhi's current feelings better than anyone, because back then, after hearing that "we can try," he had also thought he was dreaming.

Shen Zhi nodded. It hurt, so it was real—at least seventy percent likely real.

He suddenly felt wronged, felt sad. He'd had many similar dreams, waking and being disappointed again and again. So many times he had asked Xu Yan if this was a dream, and Xu Yan had always said of course not. Shen Zhi had been tricked countless times.

Only this time, Xu Yan pinched his face and asked if it hurt.

His eyes ached, an acidic swelling rose from the back of his neck, through the top of his head, spreading to his eye sockets and nasal cavity. Shen Zhi drew a breath and suddenly reached out to embrace Xu Yan. Xu Yan's whole body was knocked backward, but Shen Zhi held him tightly, face buried in his neck, tears rolling down his neck.

Xu Yan came back to himself, hesitated a moment, raised his hand to hold Shen Zhi's back, awkwardly stroked it a few times, and said: "We'll talk about everything else when I get back. I need to go to the Airport."

"Where are you going on a business trip." Shen Zhi asked, his voice nasal.

"Greece." After saying it, remembering how Shen Zhi had gone to Japan to find him that year, Xu Yan immediately added: "Don't come."

Shen Zhi searched his mind—his Schengen visa had long expired, even if he wanted to go there wasn't time.

"I'll wait for you to come back." Shen Zhi said. He loosened his grip slightly, held Xu Yan and looked at him. The distance was close enough, but neither took the initiative to kiss—they were still in a buffer period.

"Then I'll get going." Shen Zhi's red-eyed, tear-filled appearance looking over was simply too pitiful. Xu Yan lowered his eyes, "Take care of yourself."

"You too."

The two of them really were being polite enough. Xu Yan got in the car, saw Shen Zhi standing there with a dazed expression, still seeming lost in thought. After thinking for a moment, he rested his elbow on the window edge and called out to Shen Zhi: "Come here."

Shen Zhi walked two steps toward him, leaned down, Xu Yan tilted his chin up and kissed him at the corner of his mouth.

Without waiting for Shen Zhi's reaction, Xu Yan turned back and drove away.

He watched Shen Zhi's figure in the rearview mirror, touched his own chest—beating hard, but it felt pretty good.

Shen Zhi, frozen in place, was pulled back to reality by the phone ringing. He picked up, and Lan Qiuchen asked: "How did it go?"

"What?"

"Can you hear me?" Lan Qiuchen got nervous, "What's your condition right now?"

What condition? Shen Zhi looked at the delivery box in his hand and slowly said: "I'm in a relationship."

Good lord, hallucinations. Lan Qiuchen immediately got anxious: "Where are you right now? I'll come find you immediately."

"I'm very clear-headed." Shen Zhi answered, "Xu Yan said he can try with me."

After a long silence, Lan Qiuchen asked: "What's this situation? You decided to give up, and now Xu Yan agreed?"

"Because he's very kind, he's very good."

"…"

Actually, compared to the surprise at hand, Lan Qiuchen was more worried that if Xu Yan's softness of heart was a momentary impulse, if some problem arose later, then for Shen Zhi it would undoubtedly be a second injury, one Shen Zhi absolutely could not bear.

But for now they could only take it one step at a time. She couldn't exactly pour cold water on the only medicine keeping Shen Zhi alive. Lan Qiuchen smiled and said: "Remember to take a deep breath. Are you about to faint?"

"Almost, but I stood steady." Shen Zhi looked at the sky, almost dark, only a patch of heavy dark red left, he said, "If I really couldn't stand steady, I just held onto Xu Yan."

"Very good, congratulations. Remember to take your medication when you get back, come see me on time. You're on vacation, don't stay up late, chat with your boyfriend more when you have nothing to do, keep your mood up."

"Not a boyfriend yet, Xu Yan only said he'd try with me."

"Then you were just telling me you're in a relationship?"

"Can't I?"

"…You can."

On the drive back, Shen Zhi looked out the car window. For the first time in these years, for the first time, he noticed how green the leaves were, how bright the city lights, how clear the sound of traffic, people coming and going, so lively—he was actually one of them, a living person.

It turned out that besides boundless pain and endless darkness, he could still taste the flavors of anticipation, happiness, hope.

The feeling of long-distance relationship right after getting together was practically depressing. Although Shen Zhi was on vacation at home, he still had to handle quite a lot of things. Apart from not having to fly around for business trips, everything else wasn't much different from when he was working, which to some extent distracted him.

That night he sent a message asking if Xu Yan had boarded, Xu Yan replied he was already on the plane, waiting for takeoff.

Shen Zhi: Get some sleep on the plane, don't be too tired.

Xu Yan: Okay.

And then nothing.

During the day Xu Yan was busy with shoots, plus the time difference, by the time he finished work and returned to the hotel, it was already the early hours of the morning for Shen Zhi—he was adjusting his schedule, taking sleeping pills on time every night, hadn't stayed up late in days. They didn't chat much, their attitudes restrained, but Shen Zhi's daily motivation was waking up and checking his phone, using the chat history to confirm he wasn't dreaming.

On the sixth day, Shen Zhi went to the clinic, and the first thing Lan Qiuchen said to him was: "Lawyer Shen, that's enough, rein in your smile."

Today was the seventh day. Shen Zhi didn't specifically ask when Xu Yan was coming back. He'd said seven or eight days earlier, and Shen Zhi had researched the flights—Xu Yan should arrive the afternoon after tomorrow.

But in the evening, after Shen Zhi finished his workout and shower, he came out and saw his phone lit up. He picked it up and looked—it was a message Xu Yan had just sent: I'm here.

At the Airport? Shen Zhi's heart rate suddenly quickened, he felt a bit dizzy, his hair still not dried he grabbed his car keys and prepared to go downstairs to drive. Going to the Airport to pick someone up definitely wouldn't make it in time, and besides Xu Yan had a driver. Shen Zhi was typing to tell Xu Yan he was going to his place now while leaving the room, but the sound of unlocking came from the living room, the door was pushed open, and Xu Yan walked in dragging a suitcase.

This was even more unbelievable than him coming back early. Shen Zhi stood upstairs staring blankly at him.

Shen Zhi was completely unprepared, couldn't have imagined Xu Yan would come straight here after getting off the plane. Everything in the house was still as it was—how would Xu Yan react? Shen Zhi felt Xu Yan looked very calm—he didn't know if he hadn't noticed or if he didn't think it mattered.

Xu Yan looked up at him, paused, and said: "Came back early."

Hesitation was unnecessary. Shen Zhi quickly walked down the stairs, went up to Xu Yan, took the suitcase from his hand. The two of them fell into a tacit yet awkward silence for a moment. Shen Zhi said: "Take a shower and rest first."

Xu Yan nodded, didn't speak, was really tired.

Going upstairs, Shen Zhi put the suitcase in the walk-in closet. Xu Yan followed him in, opened the case, looking for pajamas and underwear. Shen Zhi squatted beside Xu Yan, watched him, reached out and touched a small bruise by his jaw, asking: "What happened here?"

"Fell while taking photos, but luckily." Xu Yan said, "Luckily the Camera was fine."

"I'll put some medicine on it after your shower."

Honestly, everything right now was unfamiliar to both of them, both feeling out how to be with each other again. Xu Yan didn't know how to respond to Shen Zhi's care, could only nod. He turned his head to the side and saw Shen Zhi also looking at him, Xu Yan immediately turned his head back.

While Xu Yan was showering, Shen Zhi stood in the room. The sound of water was like pouring on his heart, drip drip drip, soaking him through. So much so that Shen Zhi couldn't help raising his hand to look at his palm—dry—he hadn't actually been soaked.

The bathroom door opened, Xu Yan came out drying his hair, walked to the bed, threw himself down on it, and said weakly: "I'll sleep for a bit first."

"Your hair needs to be dried." Shen Zhi went to get the hairdryer.

Xu Yan reached out and grabbed Little Crocodile, hugged it to his chest, changed direction, rested his head on the edge of the bed. Shen Zhi sat beside his head, drying his hair for him. The hairdryer hummed, Xu Yan was drowsy, Shen Zhi's fingertips rubbed and touched his scalp, Xu Yan felt it wasn't quite real. In this suspended state he closed his eyes—maybe it really was fake, but at this moment he didn't want to verify.

He didn't know when the hairdryer stopped, maybe it had been stopped for a while. Realizing this, Xu Yan slowly opened his eyes—the scene hadn't suddenly shifted back to his own home. He was still in Shen Zhi's room, still lying on the blanket, a throw draped over his back, the Little Crocodile in his arms had been warmed by body heat. He turned his head, Shen Zhi was still sitting beside him.

"You only slept for half an hour." Shen Zhi brushed aside some of the hair on his forehead, looking down at him as he spoke.

It felt like he'd just closed his eyes, but half an hour had already passed—Xu Yan thought this. He looked up from below, only one layer of curtain was drawn, some of the outside light could still come through, Shen Zhi's silhouette was faintly visible in the dimness.

Xu Yan suddenly said: "You've lost weight."

You've lost weight. This sentence always appeared at the first meeting after a long separation, but Xu Yan only said it now because he could only say it at this moment.

"Lost a little." After a long while, Shen Zhi answered.

Mental illness, chronic insomnia, medication side effects, high-intensity work… all these things, nearly a thousand days accumulated, a person would inevitably thin out for it, unavoidable. Many people had asked him why he'd lost weight, urged him to take care of his health, but why did Xu Yan saying these three words make him saddest.

He wanted to complain to Xu Yan, pour out every difficult day and night of these three years, but he himself was the culprit of all the suffering, he deserved it.

So say nothing.

Shen Zhi took the medicine from the nightstand, turned on the lamp: "Let me put some medicine on."

"Oh." Xu Yan turned over, rested his head on Shen Zhi's lap, exposing his jaw.

Shen Zhi very gently applied the medicine to that patch of skin. There was no other sound in the room, such a quiet scene, but why was his heart beating so fast, so fast he was afraid Xu Yan would hear.

If it's a dream, if it's an illusion, then stop here, don't wake up.