Chapter 6

After getting off the high-speed rail, Xu Yan spotted Xu Nian standing tall in the crowd the moment he stepped out of the station—his younger brother by one year, who'd gone abroad for school right after high school and was now taking over the family Company. On the train Xu Yan had messaged Xu Nian to say he was coming back; Xu Nian had played it cool and aloof, texting something like 'what does it have to do with me, you never come home anyway, don't expect me to come pick you up...' Just brotherly behavior—tough talk on the surface, honest body underneath. He still came to wait for Xu Yan in the end.

When they met, before Xu Yan could open his mouth, Xu Nian gave him a cold look, reached out and took the duffel from his hand, then turned and walked off. Xu Yan followed with an amused smile. 'Thanks for coming to get me, Mr. Xu. Dinner's on me tonight.'

Xu Nian ignored him, walking with an expressionless face, until they were both in the car. Then Xu Nian said coldly, 'Bringing so little stuff—you're just back for dinner, right?'

'No. I'm back.' Xu Yan said lightly. 'Not leaving.'

The hand fastening the seatbelt stopped abruptly. Xu Nian looked up, studied Xu Yan's profile, opened his mouth as if to ask something—but in the end didn't. He turned his head away, slowly started the car. 'Oh.'

But little Mr. Xu's mood clearly began to lift; not long after he initiated conversation himself. 'Going to see Mom and Dad now?'

'Not yet,' Xu Yan said. 'In a while, no rush. Take me to the apartment I lived in during high school.'

'No one's lived there in too long. I'll need to get an auntie to go clean it up.' Xu Nian glanced at him, his tone unreadable. 'Walking out with nothing but this—go buy some daily necessities first.'

Xu Yan smiled and nodded—actually, Xu Nian had always been a clingy sweetheart, but ever since Xu Yan fell out with his family two years ago, Xu Nian was so disappointed in him that he ended up acting all awkward and prickly like this.

At the time Xu Nian had already known Xu Yan was with Shen Zhi—to be precise, he'd known for over a year. Xu Yan had told him in person. They were both young, and Xu Yan was family, so he'd told his brother first, given him a heads-up, to keep the whole household from exploding when he came out later with no one calm enough to handle it.

Xu Nian was a straight man—because he'd been sexually harassed by a man in high school, he'd been homophobic ever since. Going abroad, where the atmosphere was more open, Xu Nian had been harassed by more gay men—his homophobia had deepened. Learning Xu Yan was dating a man, he'd blown up, asking Xu Yan if he was out of his mind, was he out of his mind, liking a man, letting another man fuck his ass!

Xu Yan had asked him then, 'How do you even know I'm the one getting fucked?'—he'd asked it that way, but he really was the one getting fucked, and the thought that it was Shen Zhi fucking him left Xu Yan feeling openly, shamelessly satisfied.

After buying things and going home, Xu Yan wandered slowly around the apartment for a long time. A little old, after all it was the Residential Area he'd lived in during high school, but familiar. From the mall to the apartment Xu Nian barely spoke; he went to the kitchen and boiled a pot of water, then came back out and stood in the living room for ages, until finally he couldn't hold it in. Watching Xu Yan walk out of the room, he asked, 'He kicked you out?'

There's no breakup where you only bring this little stuff. They'd lived together for two years—the only explanation was that his ge had been thrown out by Shen Zhi!

'Yeah,' Xu Yan answered offhandedly.

'I'll kill him!' Xu Nian suddenly raised his voice—sure enough, sure enough, his ge had been kicked out by that bastard Shen Zhi, damn it! Xu Nian clenched his fist. 'I told you he was no good! You were devoted to him, and he still threw you out!'

He said this and headed for the door, looking like he was really about to go kill Shen Zhi. Xu Yan hurried over and grabbed him. 'I'm kidding, kidding, I left on my own, he doesn't even know.' Xu Nian didn't believe it, glaring at him. Xu Yan raised his hand to swear, his tone sincere. 'Really, I just couldn't be bothered to pack. Whatever I need is at home, right?'

Xu Nian grew even more suspicious. 'How did you suddenly come to your senses?'

'I don't know. Maybe I'm tired.' Xu Yan shrugged, smiled as if nothing mattered, and turned to go to the kitchen for water.

Xu Nian followed, stood at the doorway, looked at Xu Yan's back, and suddenly said very seriously, 'I've always thought he wasn't good, ge. Two years ago when you argued with Mom and Dad, that wasn't coming out—you did it for Shen Zhi. You never said you liked men. You only said the person you liked was Shen Zhi, and Shen Zhi is a man.'

Water poured into the cup, the steam hot, rushing straight at Xu Yan's face. He didn't speak. Xu Nian went on, 'You said you were with Shen Zhi, but he didn't face it with you. Being in a relationship is two people's business, but from start to finish, only you were the one trying.'

'Xu Nian...' Xu Yan began quietly.

Xu Nian cut him off. 'Fine, you said before you didn't want Shen Zhi bothered by these things. But if he really loved you, he'd never find this kind of thing annoying. That's something you both should be carrying together—do you understand?'

Two cups filled. Xu Yan braced both hands on the counter, head bowed in silence. After a moment he turned around, a smile on his face. 'How did you get so deep thinking about my stuff?'

'I just want to tell you.' Xu Nian was serious as an elementary schooler, saying each word carefully. 'Shen Zhi isn't worth it.'

'Whether he's worth it or not is my call,' Xu Yan looked at him. 'But from now on, you don't need to bring up me and him anymore.'

Xu Nian looked him up and down, then finally nodded. 'Ge, I'll trust you for now. I hope you don't disappoint me.'

'No. I'm not responsible for your expectations—only my own decisions,' Xu Yan said.

'...' Xu Nian held it in for a moment, then settled for the next best thing. 'That works too!'

It was a workday; Xu Nian didn't stay long before heading back to the Company. Xu Yan finished putting things away, showered, and flopped back on the bed to sleep. He woke up in the evening, the dusk a dim yellow. Xu Yan opened his phone and replied to a few messages, then finally looked at Shen Zhi's chat pinned at the top, muttered to himself 'almost forgot'—and unpinned Shen Zhi.

Not having bothered Shen Zhi all day, Xu Yan was even happy for him—finally free of himself.

Xu Nian sent him a WeChat: Ge, I'm off work, let's go eat! Drinks and clubbing!

'Idiot,' Xu Yan cursed with a smile.

A little past nine, Shen Zhi came home. From outside, the whole house was dark—not a single light on. That wasn't usual. Xu Yan rarely worked overtime; he usually went straight home after work. Even when he occasionally went out with friends, he'd say so in advance. But today, the entire day, Xu Yan hadn't sent him a single message—not even the daily routine question of whether he'd be home for dinner.

He went inside, turned on the lights, took a yogurt from the fridge, and drank it in the living room. When he'd finished, upstairs was still quiet. Xu Yan was a light sleeper—sometimes when Shen Zhi came home late, as long as the car stopped outside, even if he was asleep he'd hear it, alert as a puppy, and would immediately turn on the light, come downstairs, and say 'you're back' to Shen Zhi. A pointless sentence, but Xu Yan always said it with a smile, even when he was very sleepy.

He seemed never to tire, never to grow weary—as if just one more glance at Shen Zhi would be enough to satisfy him completely.

The trash bag was freshly replaced, empty inside. Shen Zhi tossed the yogurt container in, went upstairs, pushed open the bedroom door—Xu Yan wasn't there. The blanket was made up neatly as always, the curtains half-drawn, the surroundings quiet. Shen Zhi's brow furrowed slightly. He took out his phone and sent Xu Yan a WeChat: Where are you.

He quickly closed his phone again, took his pajamas, and went to the bathroom. Over half an hour later, Shen Zhi came out, drying his hair as he picked up his phone. Lots of messages, but not a single one from Xu Yan. Shen Zhi tossed the towel aside, poured a glass of water, drank a few sips, and glanced at the phone on the blanket—no movement.

Shen Zhi stood by the desk holding the water glass for a while, then went back to the bed, opened his contacts, found Xu Yan's name, and dialed. One second, ten seconds, twenty seconds—no one picked up. This was no longer in the territory of Xu Yan coming home late without reporting to him being merely uncomfortable; it could be a safety issue. Shen Zhi was about to arrange for someone to reach out to Xu Yan's friends, but the moment he was about to press end, the call connected.

The other side was loud, music and cheers deafening—no need to guess where. Shen Zhi's brow creased, his chest rose and fell once, and he asked coldly, 'You're at a bar?'

What answered was an unfamiliar male voice, unfriendly and arrogant. 'What's it to you?!'

'Where's Xu Yan?' Shen Zhi's frown tightened. 'Have him pick up.'

Before that person could speak, Shen Zhi heard Xu Yan's voice, clearly drunk, a little slurred. 'Stop it... give me the phone.' After a clatter of noise, Xu Yan asked, 'Hello?'

'Having a great time out, are you,' Shen Zhi said in a low voice.

Xu Yan blinked, somewhat dazed. This tone was too familiar... questioning, cold, emotionless—like a boss lecturing a subordinate, even ruder than that. Xu Yan inexplicably laughed and said, 'Yeah. How could I not be happy.'

Shen Zhi expressionlessly pressed the water glass down onto the desk—with some force; the remaining half cup inside rocked violently, a few drops splashing out. He said, 'You don't need to come home tonight.' Drinking with colleagues yesterday, drinking with random people today—where did all this drinking come from.

'I'm not coming back...' Xu Yan's voice was a little low, his gaze drifting vaguely toward the noisy dance floor below. Slowly, word by word, he said, 'Not coming back.'

'Wait until you're sober tomorrow, then talk to me.' Shen Zhi finished the sentence, hung up, tossed the phone onto the bed, picked up the towel, and went to the bathroom to blow-dry his hair.

He could already picture what Xu Yan would look like coming home tomorrow—grinning, saying 'I was wrong, won't happen again,' then coming over to hug him, asking 'what do you want to eat, I'll make it for you, don't be mad'... Just the usual apology tricks, never serious, always capable of making someone angry.