5

Su Xingchuan slept terribly that night.

The incision hurt so much he couldn't close his eyes or even move. All he could do was take deep breaths now and then to ease the pain a little.

He'd braced himself to stay wide awake until dawn, but then the guy in the next bed noticed his tossing and turning and struck up a conversation with real enthusiasm. 'The first couple days after surgery are always rough. Getting the catheter out hurts even worse. But those two aren't the worst of it — the worst is when you try to pee tomorrow, man. Feels like you're pissing razor blades.'

Su Xingchuan's face went sheet-white.

The agony was barely imaginable.

'Oh yeah, Xiao Su, how come you're all alone? That guy who was here this morning — why isn't he with you?'

'He's a friend. Had a work thing tonight, couldn't make it.'

'No partner?'

Su Xingchuan gave a small smile. 'Nope.'

'Good-looking guy like you, how could you not have a partner? Standards too high?'

Su Xingchuan's mind went to Li Xuan. 'Haven't quite gotten over the last one yet. Not really in the mood to date right now.'

'That devoted, huh,' the guy said, his tone turning earnest. 'You really oughta find someone. I mean, not even looking far ahead — just being in the hospital, having someone to keep you company and lend a hand, that's gotta beat lying here all by yourself.'

Su Xingchuan just went 'Mm' and didn't answer.

It wasn't that he lacked people to help out. Hiring a caregiver would be no big deal with his money. Finding someone to fill the hollow in his heart, though — that was harder than reaching the sky. Mostly because he still couldn't forget that person.

He still couldn't forget.

That night he drifted in and out of sleep until daybreak.

Dazed, he half-felt like someone had come to his bedside during the night, bent down, and held his hand. But when he woke before dawn, there was no one there — only the snoring of the man in the next bed echoing through the room.

Probably just another dream.

Li Xuan showed up at nine in the morning to remove his catheter.

Even though they'd seen each other bare countless times, and just had surgery the day before, when Li Xuan lifted his blanket and moved to pull down his pants, Su Xingchuan couldn't help but cough.

'Uh, hang on a sec.'

Li Xuan stopped.

'Let me ask you something, just…' Su Xingchuan hesitated, glanced left and right, then lowered his voice. 'You work at a men's health hospital. You've seen that many men, done that many surgeries. Does it ever make you lose interest in, you know, that stuff?'

'Yeah. I've got zero interest in you.'

'…' Su Xingchuan had asked for it.

Li Xuan reached out again, and the moment his hand got near that area, Su Xingchuan instinctively blocked him, grabbing his wrist.

'Hold on, let me just breathe a minute.'

The worst injury Su Xingchuan had ever had before this was snapping his arm playing basketball in middle school. He was young then, just wanted to get back to school and hang out with his friends, so the fracture didn't really faze him.

He'd actually thought he wasn't afraid of pain.

He'd forgotten he was still gripping Li Xuan's wrist, his thumb rubbing back and forth nervously. 'Give me just another thirty seconds.'

Li Xuan suddenly spoke. 'Su Xingchuan, have you thought about me at all these years?'

Su Xingchuan's mind blanked. 'What?'

Li Xuan stood beside the bed and leaned in slightly. Su Xingchuan could see his profile clearly, the tall, elegant bridge of his nose.

What had he just said?

For the first time, this reunion after so long felt real. So it hadn't been his solo performance all along. So Li Xuan wasn't just a spectator.

Before he could finish the thought, a flash of sheer agony shot through his lower half.

Li Xuan had already pulled the catheter out.

Swift and precise, not a wasted second.

One squeeze, one pull.

Su Xingchuan cried out from the pain, cold sweat beading on his forehead.

'Alright, keep lying down,' Li Xuan said.

'………'

Su Xingchuan couldn't stop himself from calling after him. 'Li Xuan, what did you mean by what you just said?'

Both of them used each other's full names now, done with pretending.

Li Xuan paused. 'Just meant to distract you.'

Su Xingchuan hated that cold, detached front of Li Xuan's more than anything. He pressed on regardless. 'Then don't you want to know whether I've thought about you all these years we've been apart?'

Li Xuan's frame wavered slightly. He looked less composed than a second ago.

The young nurse suddenly burst in. 'Sorry, Mr. Su! I was supposed to remove your catheter at nine — got so busy I completely forgot. Huh? Dr. Li, why are you here doing it yourself—'

The nurse froze at the bedside. Li Xuan's face stayed as impassive as ever. He said, 'Just took care of it. Go on with your work.'

'Uh… oh…' The nurse stared at Li Xuan blankly.

The man in the next bed came back too. All of a sudden the room was bustling. The tiny spark of honesty had barely flickered to life before it was snuffed out.

Li Xuan lingered at the foot of Su Xingchuan's bed for a few seconds.

Neither of them spoke.

The nurse tried to lighten the mood and said with a smile, 'Mr. Su, you can be discharged this afternoon.'

Su Xingchuan curved the corners of his mouth, but he couldn't find any real joy.

*

Su Xingchuan had barely recovered from the pain of Li Xuan's swift and merciless handiwork when a new challenge arrived.

Two hours later, he stood in the ward's bathroom.

And understood what it meant to piss razor blades.

He finally got it — the older guy hadn't exaggerated one bit.

What was the difference between this and death by a thousand cuts?

Su Xingchuan staggered against the wall, sucking in sharp breaths from the pain. Truly, there was always a stronger player, always a greater pain behind the pain.

A few minutes later.

Su Xingchuan found Li Xuan's office. Li Xuan was sitting alone, organizing medical records. Su Xingchuan knocked and walked in.

Li Xuan looked up at him and froze for a moment.

Before Li Xuan could ask, Su Xingchuan got straight to the point. 'I'm pissing blood.'

'That's normal,' Li Xuan said, looking back down to write.

'I—' Su Xingchuan walked right up to him, being completely unreasonable. 'I think you did this on purpose. Settling a personal score. You messed me up.'

'You can file a complaint against me.'

'Li Xuan, can you just talk to me like a normal person?'

'I am talking normally.'

Before, Li Xuan never would have answered like that. Back when he was being passive-aggressive, all jealous and sour, if Su Xingchuan had asked 'Can you just talk to me like a normal person?', Li Xuan would've just thrown himself at him and bitten down on his neck. His most-used line then was 'I'm gonna bite you to death, and then we'll die together.'

Su Xingchuan had always found Li Xuan abnormal, but he liked him anyway. Now Li Xuan had become normal, and to Su Xingchuan it felt utterly foreign. He still preferred that spoiled, unhinged little madman from before.

Li Xuan picked up the cup beside him, but before he could drink, Su Xingchuan rushed over and blocked him. 'You have a bad heart — why are you drinking coffee?'

Li Xuan went very still.

Li Xuan had been a premature baby and had a weak heart since childhood — premature beats, arrhythmia, iron-deficiency anemia… Su Xingchuan remembered it all better than Li Xuan himself. What he couldn't eat, what he should eat more of — Su Xingchuan was the one who'd kept track. Otherwise Su Xingchuan never would've said that dating back then felt like raising a kid.

'Why do you look so awful?' Su Xingchuan suddenly noticed the dark circles under Li Xuan's eyes. 'Didn't sleep well last night?'

Li Xuan set the cup down and turned his head away.

He didn't want to answer.

The atmosphere grew more and more awkward. Su Xingchuan awkwardly pulled his hand back. He'd pushed his probe too far, and clearly Li Xuan wasn't having any of it.

Su Xingchuan couldn't wrap his head around it. Back then, Li Xuan had been the heartless one who broke up with him. So how come, seven years later at this reunion, he was still the one coaxing Li Xuan? Was this just his fate?

'I'm gonna go do the discharge paperwork in a bit,' Su Xingchuan said sullenly.

The nurse had told him: for an afternoon discharge, he had to get all the paperwork sorted before 11:30 AM.

'Mm.'

'Should I get some anti-inflammatory meds or something?'

'Mm.' Li Xuan started writing out a prescription for him. 'Come back in a week to have the internal stent removed.'

'I have to have something pulled out again?' Su Xingchuan's whole being wilted.

Li Xuan nodded calmly.

'When should I come for the follow-up?'

'Four weeks from now.'

'Do I still register with your name?'

'Mm.'

Su Xingchuan couldn't think of anything else to ask. He stood there, feeling all awkward, then lifted a hand and rubbed the back of his head.

Li Xuan still didn't initiate any conversation.

Su Xingchuan had no choice but to leave.

He took a stack of papers and went to handle the discharge. The process was quick — less than half an hour from start to finish.

Xie Liang messaged him: [Need me to come pick you up?]

Su Xingchuan: [No need. I drove here.]

Xie Liang: [How'd it go with your ex?]

Su Xingchuan: [He can't wait to see me gone.]

Xie Liang: [That rough. Time to switch it up, buddy. Don't worry about leaving old friends behind — there'll be a new village just around the bend.]

Su Xingchuan: […]

A new village? Su Xingchuan thought: I haven't even left this one yet.

With two hours left until discharge, Su Xingchuan was already getting fidgety. He got up to pack his things. The older guy in the next bed was being discharged tomorrow too. His wife was peeling an orange and offered half a segment to Su Xingchuan. Su Xingchuan smiled and waved it off, saying ruefully, 'Thanks, sis, but I really can't risk fruit right now.'

The guy let out a rumbling laugh. 'Just gotta tough it out these next couple days.'

Su Xingchuan glanced up at the clock in the ward.

With just one hour left, Su Xingchuan got a call from his boss, telling him he needed to accompany him on a visit to Zhongjin Group the day after tomorrow.

'Alright, got it.'

The moment the work call ended, a wave of exhaustion hit him.

These past few days in the hospital, watching Li Xuan, he'd almost felt like he was back in his student days, his head full of nothing but romance and feelings. But the adult world was never just about love — most of it was work.

If Li Xuan kept ignoring his overtures and insisted on being strangers, then Su Xingchuan had no reason to keep clinging on.

Fine, then, he thought. That's that.

But a few minutes later, Li Xuan showed up.

Su Xingchuan had already packed and was sitting on the edge of the bed, reading work emails on his phone.

The guy in the next bed called out, 'Dr. Li, what brings you here?'

Li Xuan said, 'Just checking in.'

Su Xingchuan had just turned his head when Li Xuan pulled the privacy curtain shut and stepped over to him. For a moment Su Xingchuan didn't know what to do. He put his phone down and asked, 'What's up?'

'Still really painful?'

'A— a bit.'

Li Xuan put on gloves. 'Lie down. Let me take another look.'

Su Xingchuan had just pulled his pants on and now had to take them off again. Something felt off — Li Xuan hadn't come earlier, hadn't come later, and when he'd gone to his office Li Xuan had ignored him. But now, of all moments, he showed up.

Li Xuan's fingers were still very cool.

Pathetically, Su Xingchuan found himself getting hard right in Li Xuan's hand.

'Seems like it's not actually that painful.'

'…'

You really couldn't blame Su Xingchuan. Seven years single plus a still-gorgeous ex — what man could hold back?

'Pain is normal. It'll gradually ease up over the next couple of days. If the blood in your urine persists, get in touch with me.'

Su Xingchuan forced himself to act casual. 'Get in touch how?'

He sat up and pulled his pants back on.

Li Xuan stripped off his gloves and took out his phone. 'WeChat.'

Su Xingchuan's heart soared with joy, but he kept his face neutral. He opened his phone, his tone coming out a little pointed: 'I figured you'd still remember. Then again, it's been seven years.'

Su Xingchuan pulled up his QR code and Li Xuan scanned it.

After the friend request went through, Su Xingchuan saw that Li Xuan's WeChat name and profile picture hadn't changed. He knew they hadn't.

The WeChat name was just Li Xuan, and the profile picture was a little cat.

Late at night, when he couldn't sleep, he'd search for Li Xuan's WeChat ID, checking whether Li Xuan had changed his profile picture, using it to gauge his new life.

Actually, his own WeChat name and profile picture hadn't changed either.

Su Xingchuan hastily glanced through Li Xuan's Moments and found nothing but reposts of the hospital's public account articles. He let out a subtle breath of relief and put his phone away like it was nothing.

Examination done. WeChat added.

Li Xuan didn't seem to have any reason to stick around anymore. Su Xingchuan racked his brain and finally came up with a topic that could buy them a few more minutes together. 'After I go back, is there anything I need to watch out for?'

Actually, the nurse had already gone over it with him.

Li Xuan said, 'Keep your sex life a little less frequent.'

Su Xingchuan blanked out for a moment, then shot to his feet, instinctively explaining, 'I got this condition from work stress.'

Li Xuan's face was indifferent. 'Oh. Then take it easy at work. And keep your sex life a little less frequent.'

'…'

Su Xingchuan raised a hand and then dropped it again.

A thousand things were on the tip of his tongue, but just as he was about to speak, he remembered what the young nurse had said—

'Last month on his birthday, some really good-looking guy brought over a cake and helped him hand it out to the doctors and nurses in the department.'

Li Xuan wasn't like Su Xingchuan. His orientation had always been guys, and he was the clingy, dependent type who really needed someone.

Dating someone else after they broke up — that was perfectly normal for Li Xuan.

Su Xingchuan shouldn't have been holding onto false hope in the first place.

He knew Li Xuan had misunderstood his relationship with Xie Liang, and he'd let that misunderstanding stand on purpose. Not being able to forget was the truth, but getting dumped for no reason had hit his pride hard. He'd always wanted to get one back in front of Li Xuan, so he'd never explained. But now, watching Li Xuan be so cold, he suddenly felt like there was no point. Maybe he was the only one still stuck in that winter seven years ago.

'I'll be heading off, then.'

Su Xingchuan picked up his jacket from beside him.

Li Xuan took a step back and gave him space.

Su Xingchuan didn't have much — everything fit into one carry bag. As he passed by Li Xuan, he didn't pause.

He carried himself exactly as nonchalantly as he'd envisioned.

But the second he got to the parking garage, the regret hit him.

He sat in his car and scrolled through Li Xuan's entire Moments history, top to bottom. Unfortunately, Li Xuan had it set to show only one year, so Su Xingchuan couldn't see everything.

The more he couldn't see, the more it gnawed at him.

That very night, he couldn't resist messaging Li Xuan.

Su Xingchuan: [Dr. Li, what do I do when it hurts every time I go to the bathroom?]

Li Xuan: [Just hold it.]

Su Xingchuan: [… ]