Fifteen

Shen Zhi drove with a cold face to a nearby green belt and stopped. Xu Yan looked down, fiddling with his DSLR—this kind of space made one feel awkward, especially between two people who had already ended things. Xu Yan couldn't help thinking of some indescribable things that had happened between him and Shen Zhi in this car. Only a few times, but precisely because it had been only a few times, the impression ran unusually deep.

After quite a while, Shen Zhi still said nothing. If he kept touching the DSLR any longer it would develop a patina. Xu Yan raised his head and looked at the pendant hanging in front of him—a metallic vintage Snoopy Pendant, something he had picked up on a trip to Chicago a year ago. He had settled on Shen Zhi's Levante because it was a private car, unlike the other company cars that required maintaining appearances. Xu Yan had asked if he could hang the Snoopy Pendant on it, saying it matched the color of the car well, and besides, this one wasn't driven often anyway. Shen Zhi, as usual, couldn't be bothered to answer, so Xu Yan had carefully hung the Snoopy Pendant up.

Of course there was a selfish motive—behind the Snoopy Pendant were the initials of his and Shen Zhi's names: SZ&XY, which Xu Yan had specially asked the shop owner to engrave. He didn't know whether Shen Zhi had ever noticed the secret on the back of the Snoopy Pendant. Most likely not—if he had, this Snoopy Pendant probably wouldn't have survived until now; it would have been torn down long ago.

Another stretch of time passed, no one knew how long. Shen Zhi, one hand resting on the steering wheel, not looking at Xu Yan, just staring straight ahead, said quietly: "Happy wedding."

"Huh?" Xu Yan turned his head blankly to look at him. Shen Zhi's profile was very cold—he was naturally cold-looking, his temperament cold too; when expressionless he could practically freeze a person to death. Xu Yan frowned and asked, "What?"

"Wishing me happy wedding?" Shen Zhi finally turned his head, his gaze cold and bleak as it fixed on Xu Yan, and asked him.

Xu Yan was stunned. He had indeed said those words; he hadn't expected Meng Yuwan to actually pass them along for him—that was too thoughtful. He didn't see anything improper in it. At this point, he couldn't exactly say, I wish you an immediate divorce. Xu Yan sincerely hoped Shen Zhi would be happy in his marriage, not a shred of falsehood in it; only the bitterness and pain inside, he would swallow that himself. It wasn't the first time; he would get past it eventually.

"Yes." Xu Yan nodded, and seizing the chance repeated it right in front of Shen Zhi's face. He said, "I wish you happy wedding." After saying it he felt a little lighter. When he had loved Shen Zhi to the point of death, he had never imagined there would come a day when he would say something like this to him, but now he said it easily—that was a good thing.

But after Xu Yan finished speaking, he watched Shen Zhi's expression grow even colder, completely unable to figure out what the problem was. The one getting engaged was Shen Zhi, the one who didn't love him was Shen Zhi. If it was because he disliked him so much that he didn't want to hear such words from his mouth, Xu Yan could understand that. The more he understood, the more bitter it became, but Xu Yan only smiled and said, "Why are you looking at me like that? If you think what I said is unlucky, then I won't say it again."

Shen Zhi pressed his lips, staring at his right hand gripping the steering wheel, the knuckles pushing the skin white. He pressed down the indescribable dark fire within him again and again, and said, "You don't have to be like this. I didn't know my mother had contacted you, and I don't know what she said to you."

"It's nothing, she didn't say anything." Xu Yan said it lightly.

Shen Zhi paused, then said, "Today she brought it up with me. I thought back to what you said before about seeing our two families eating together."

Xu Yan kept his gaze on the Snoopy Pendant and gave a very soft "mm-hmm," indicating he was listening—but only listening. He didn't want to dig into those things anymore.

"If you're angry because of the engagement, there's no need. I never..."

"Angry because of the engagement?" Xu Yan suddenly cut him off, shifting his gaze from the Snoopy Pendant to Shen Zhi's face. His expression was very calm, but when he looked directly over, there was unexpectedly a trace of cold severity in his eyes. After knowing each other for so many years, Shen Zhi had never seen this look in Xu Yan—it could practically make one's heart go cold.

"If not because of this, what else could it be." Shen Zhi met his gaze and asked back.

Xu Yan studied him carefully for a few seconds, and suddenly felt it was laughable. Not that Shen Zhi was laughable—himself was laughable. What had he been thinking, burning so much love into a relationship like this? Even after his heart had died, the other person still treated it as a tantrum, still thought some single event was the culprit. But in truth that was only the fuse—just the last straw that broke the camel's back.

"It's a lot of things." Xu Yan leaned back against the seat, closed his eyes, and said slowly, "But none of them matter now. Do you understand? The reason doesn't matter anymore. What matters is that I don't want to continue." Even if there were a misunderstanding as vast as the sky, even if Shen Zhi told him today he wouldn't get engaged—so what? Then let him go back to the past, to being treated coldly, to being ignored, to being hurt? Forget it. Spare him. He had no strength left to repeat the same mistakes. He was truly tired.

Maybe there had been a tiny bit of happiness—imagined or one-sided—but it really wasn't enough. Xu Yan could no longer sustain himself on those faint sparks. He couldn't see any sign that Shen Zhi was about to love him, to embrace him; instead, countless times he had tasted the fear of possibly being abandoned at any moment. Some people need a sense of security in a relationship, and Xu Yan was that kind of person. He looked as though he didn't care at all, but deep in his heart he still longed for Shen Zhi to reach out and pull him up, to let him feel, just a little, that he mattered to someone.

Because he had finally understood that some things could never be obtained, he simply ended it. It was better for everyone.

"Do you feel you've condescended to come find me, but instead of happily trotting back after you, I was ungrateful—so now you're very angry?" Xu Yan didn't need to open his eyes to know how awful Shen Zhi's expression was at that moment. He smiled and said, "But Shen Zhi, the feeling you let me taste in the past was ten thousand times worse than this. We are far from even."

After he finished speaking, he opened his eyes. The sun had already set; it was the depths of winter, and the driver's side window was open, very cold. Xu Yan didn't look at Shen Zhi, just straightened up, raised a hand to cradle that Snoopy Pendant, and asked, "Can I take it away? There's only one like this in the whole world. You don't like it anyway—rather than it being an eyesore, why not..."

Before he could finish, Shen Zhi, who had been silent all this time, suddenly released the right hand that had been gripping the steering wheel, ripped off the Snoopy Pendant, and with a cold face hurled it out the window. A faint metallic sound cut through the air; the one-of-a-kind Snoopy Pendant in the whole world fell into the green belt and vanished without a trace.

Xu Yan stared blankly out the window. Shen Zhi, both hands gripping the steering wheel, eyes fixed on the road ahead, said coldly, "It became mine a long time ago. How to dispose of it is my business."

"Oh." Xu Yan came back to himself and gave a faint smile. "You're right." Just like his feelings—given to Shen Zhi without reservation, so he could only let Shen Zhi do as he pleased with them. There had never been any equality between them. Maybe Xu Yan should never have harbored any delusions from the start; everything was him bringing trouble on himself. He deserved it. A person who presumed affection had no right to blame the other party.

Xu Yan was quiet for a few seconds, then reached out, opened the car door, got out, closed the door, and walked toward the Residential Area without looking back. He didn't say goodbye, didn't say a single word. Between them, it really was over.

At dinnertime Xu Yan received a call from an unknown number. It was the organizer of a photography exhibition, who said they had seen his work online and felt his style fit well with the theme of this show, and asked if Xu Yan would be willing to participate. Many magazine and fashion industry people would be in attendance; if Xu Yan intended to develop in the direction of photography in the future, this was a very good opportunity.

Xu Yan had heard of this photography exhibition. He thought for one second and agreed—after all, the opportunity was rare, and he would get to see more excellent photographers and works; for him it was also a worthwhile experience. After hanging up, Xu Yan called Xu Nian and told him about it. Xu Nian responded with half-hearted "mm-mm, ah-ah," looking very perfunctory, so Xu Yan asked him if he was up to no good.

"No way, I'm driving, almost at your Residential Area," Xu Nian said. "Sister made me a little Cake, I brought it over for you to try. Later I'll send some to Brother Ji Huai."

"Your girlfriend making a Cake and you're this happy about it," Xu Yan said. "Then hang up—drive carefully."

"Mm-mm." Just before hanging up, Xu Nian suddenly went "whoa" again. "This Maserati's not bad..." He was driving past the Maserati by the green belt and glanced at it. The lights inside the car were on, but he couldn't see anyone; he didn't know where the owner had gone. Behind the bushes something seemed to flash for a moment, then was gone. Xu Nian didn't pay it any mind and kept driving forward.

The cold winter night was damp and chill; dew glistened in the grass, wetting his shoes and the hems of his trousers. Shen Zhi held his phone's flashlight and paced back and forth through the green belt, the white breath he exhaled quickly dissipating into the air. His hands were frozen red, his throat itchy; he coughed uncomfortably a few times—poor rest plus the cold, and a chill had come on fast.

Such a small patch of ground, searched back and forth more than a dozen times, and nothing found. Then his head began to feel dizzy too. Shen Zhi, panting, pinched the bridge of his nose, and suddenly saw a flash of light under the bushes a few steps away. He quickly strode over, bent down, his fingertips touching cold metal, and picked it up—it was that Snoopy Pendant. The pendant was covered in cold dew and bits of grass. Shen Zhi shone his flashlight on it; the Snoopy Pendant swayed and turned, revealing its back, on which was engraved in cursive English: SZ&XY.

He tucked the pendant into his coat pocket and returned to the car. The heater wrapped around his chilled body. Shen Zhi folded his hands on the steering wheel; his right wrist, having been exposed to the cold, had flared up an old injury that throbbed dully. He lowered his head, buried his face in his arms, and coughed hard, shivering all over.

Still cold. This winter seemed especially cold.