Chapter 29

On the twenty-ninth of the twelfth lunar month, the second day of Shen Zhi's hospitalization, Meng Yuwan and Shen Ming never showed up from start to finish. Instead, Lin Mian hovered around him, pouring hot water, cutting fruit—remarkably attentive.

"Xiao Zhi gege, you're so handsome." Lin Mian said. "When you stood in my living room and said you wouldn't get engaged, you were really very handsome. Uncle and Auntie haven't come scold you yet—maybe they're waiting for you to get better. You need to be mentally prepared."

Shen Zhi ignored her, leaning against the pillow without even opening his eyes.

Lin Mian didn't mind, still grinning: "Even though you ignored me when I came to find you these past few days, I've forgiven you now."

"It was you who said you wanted to drag it out a bit longer, to upset your boyfriend." Shen Zhi said.

Lin Mian froze, the smile gone from her face. She stared at the orange in her hand for a few seconds before answering: "Yeah. That trick didn't work on him—he doesn't care at all."

Shen Zhi opened his eyes and looked at the overly bold bouquet of red roses on the windowsill—the ones Lin Mian had sent. He said: "How do you know he doesn't care."

"If he cared, he wouldn't have broken up with me, wouldn't have used some lousy excuse like 'you deserve someone better,' wouldn't have returned every gift I'd given him..." Lin Mian's eyes were already red, but her expression was stubborn. "I'm done playing. I won't keep wanting to see him. I'll forget him very soon."

"That's good. Your parents will arrange a new engagement candidate for you soon."

Lin Mian pressed her lips together and fell silent. Shen Zhi asked her: "How long were you two together."

"Two years, seven months, and nine days." Lin Mian said. "When we first met, he didn't even have a car. Now he's on his second one. He said he needed something presentable for meeting clients."

"This year on my birthday, he gave me a necklace—the first time he'd ever given me something so expensive. Over twenty thousand yuan."

"And then you wore a twenty-thousand-yuan necklace to a gathering, and your friends laughed at you, asking why you were wearing such cheap stuff." Shen Zhi said.

"But it was from him..." Lin Mian wiped her eyes hard, smearing a streak of eye makeup onto the back of her hand. "Last year for my birthday, he gave me a dress—five thousand six hundred yuan. He took on a night job for that five thousand, ate instant noodles every day. He didn't have to do that, but whenever I asked him out to eat, he always refused."

Shen Zhi said: "One casual meal out for you might be half a year of his living expenses."

"I don't need him to pay!" Lin Mian shouted.

Shen Zhi looked at her: "That's the problem."

Lin Mian fell silent, eyes red. After a few seconds she said: "I'm an idiot, and so are you. You can't even sort out your own problems. I don't believe a word you say."

Shen Zhi looked at the IV needle on the back of his hand and said nothing more.

On New Year's Eve, Xu Yan and Xu Nian returned home. Two years since they'd come back for the holiday, it felt like they finally had a sense of belonging. Xu Yan had a little to drink, Fang Hui kept talking to him, Xu Nian cracked jokes on the side. In the end it was Xu Shen who spoke up: "Drink less."

Xu Yan looked up at him and smiled: "Got it, Dad."

Past eleven, Fang Hui was sleepy. The two brothers cleared the table, and only went out after their parents went upstairs. The door opened onto a thin layer of snow, with more still falling from the sky. This New Year's Eve really had snow.

Xu Nian hadn't drunk, so he drove Xu Yan home—drop off his brother first, then go meet his sister for the countdown. He chattered away while driving; Xu Yan barely listened, leaning back in his seat watching the snow outside.

At the Residential Area Entrance, Xu Yan told Xu Nian to stop—he'd walk the rest of the way to sober up. They both got out. Xu Nian asked: "Ge, where in Hokkaido are you going with Lu Sen?"

"Otaru." Xu Yan looked up at the snow and answered. "There's a film that hasn't been released yet that shot some scenes there. We're going to take some poster and promotional photos this time."

"The snow in Otaru should be pretty heavy, right." Xu Nian said.

"Mm, I heard it's thick."

"Last time I was chatting with Lu Sen, he mentioned he'd brought up the Paris thing with you... why didn't you tell me or Mom and Dad?" Xu Nian finally asked.

"It hasn't been decided yet, nothing worth mentioning." Xu Yan answered.

"If you go, what mindset would you go with?"

Xu Yan thought for a moment: "A learning mindset. Getting out more helps my work too."

"That's good." Xu Nian nodded. "I was just afraid you wanted to run, to hide." Xu Yan paused. Xu Nian continued: "I know Shen Zhi came to find you several times. Don't be fooled by him, and don't go abroad just to avoid him. Make your own decision."

"I won't." Xu Yan ruffled Xu Nian's hair. "Alright, it's cold. Go back. Happy New Year."

"You too, Ge. Happy New Year!"

Xu Yan walked alone into the Residential Area. Across the street was the plaza—he'd just passed by and seen quite a few people standing in front of the giant LED screen, probably waiting for the countdown. Xu Yan checked his watch—soon, ten minutes left.

Walking through the Residential Area Entrance, a few meters away by the flower bed, a tall figure stood there. Xu Yan hunched his neck in, chin buried in his scarf, and walked past Shen Zhi. From the corner of his eye he caught the medical bandage on the back of Shen Zhi's hand—small, just a little patch—but to Xu Yan it looked oddly conspicuous.

Xu Yan walked forward, and Shen Zhi quietly followed at his side, feet crunching on the snow with a soft, dense sound. Xu Yan felt tired, and lost. He'd already said the harshest things, had finally and painfully convinced himself to let go—but if Shen Zhi really did like him... if that were the case, Xu Yan suddenly thought, if Shen Zhi had only fallen for him after they broke up, that would be okay—he could still comfort himself that Shen Zhi had finally developed feelings for him... But no. Shen Zhi had managed, over the past several years, to like him and hurt him at the same time. That was crueler than not loving him at all.

Call him annoying, call him hateful—it didn't matter, Xu Yan was used to it. But Shen Zhi's single "I love you" took Xu Yan's life, made him cry out every tear he'd held over these six-plus years—anger, grievance, sadness, regret... too much.

The time difference between their feelings was too vast—not seconds or minutes or days, but over four years. Enough to prove the two of them truly weren't suited for each other.

"Last time my mother came to find you, I didn't know in advance." Shen Zhi suddenly spoke. Probably from his cold, his voice was a bit hoarse. "She suddenly called me, and I heard you two talking. That's when I knew she'd done it on purpose so I'd hear."

"It's fine." Xu Yan said. It wasn't a big deal, he didn't care. Whether Shen Zhi was listening or not, his answer at the time wouldn't have changed.

His throat hurt. Shen Zhi coughed a few times, then said: "I'll make things clear with her, tell her not to come bother you again."

Xu Yan smiled slightly: "That would be best."

The path was too short. In just a few words they'd already reached the bottom of the building. Xu Yan was about to step inside when Shen Zhi suddenly called out: "Xu Yan."

Xu Yan turned around and saw Shen Zhi standing in the falling snow. He felt Shen Zhi had lost a lot of weight, and in that instant he still felt a pang of heartache—wanted to tell him to eat a piece of candy when his blood sugar dropped and he got dizzy, that irregular meals would upset his stomach and he should be careful, to remember to go to Doctor Liu on time for his wrist follow-up and acupuncture... But Xu Yan said none of it. He just looked at him.

"Happy New Year." Shen Zhi said. Then he took something out of his coat pocket—something that glinted. It was the Snoopy Pendant necklace. He said quietly, "I'm giving this back to you."

Xu Yan remembered how Shen Zhi had thrown the necklace out the car window himself back then. He hadn't expected Shen Zhi to have retrieved it—either right away or sometime later... never mind, it didn't matter.

He took the necklace, ran his fingertip over the cold Snoopy Pendant, almost to himself: "Mine again."

Then he raised his hand and tossed the necklace into the flower bed.

'It was mine long ago, how I dispose of it is my business'—those were the words Shen Zhi had said himself when he threw the necklace away. Now Xu Yan returned them to him, word for word.

It wasn't spite, wasn't retaliation, wasn't revenge. Xu Yan couldn't bear to part with it either, but he wanted them both to give up. Some attachments shouldn't be kept—they had to be crushed in person. Even if Shen Zhi really did like him, by now Xu Yan no longer had the strength to throw himself in again.

He didn't look at Shen Zhi's expression, turned and walked into the building without looking back. Shen Zhi only stared at where the Snoopy Pendant had finally landed, as if he hadn't yet come back to himself.

When he got home it was 11:59. Xu Yan went to the kitchen to boil water, glanced out the window without thinking, and saw Shen Zhi still standing there.

The streetlight was dim and yellow. Heavy snow fell in flakes, settling on his hair, his shoulders, his feet—a very quiet scene. Shen Zhi tilted his head up slightly, and through the wind and snow and the distance of four floors, met Xu Yan's eyes. From far away a cheer suddenly erupted—the crowd in the plaza. The New Year had arrived.

Their first New Year countdown together, and it was in a scene like this.

If only it had been earlier. Xu Yan turned off the kitchen light, walked through the living room toward the bedroom. He thought, if only a little earlier—before he'd completely given up hope—if Shen Zhi had said he loved him then, that would have been good.

But it was missed. When one person finally woke up, the other was already exhausted, already determined to let go. The past had been reviewed again and again, and the conclusion was the same: you couldn't forgive, you were destined to drift apart.

His cheek felt a little itchy. Xu Yan touched it, and his palm came away wet—like the snow that had kept melting on his shoulders as he walked from the Residential Area Entrance to the bottom of the building with Shen Zhi.